Amberstorm

Moved

Moved from "Mistysplash's Profile" since characters should be kept at the name of that character with nothing else in the character namespace (otherwise the name won't show up correctly in automated locations). Formatting looks good, though, at a glance. If you have questions, check out The Guide to Creating a Character. If that doesn't answer it, just let me know.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:25, 19 August 2013 (CDT)

Check Results - 14 September 2013

Greetings and welcome to your first go-round in our applications department! Characters ususally go through 2-4 rounds of decline and editing, so do not feel discouraged about the fact that this was declined. CoSC has diffrent rules, and a diffrent approch to Warriors. The Apps process is where new players pick up a ton of these critical details.

In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations that don't require change will be noted in the text). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.

KEY DATES

• Born and dubbed - Currently you're using the "born" designation, which is intended for non-clan cats. Please use the "kit" selection so that it correctly links to your clan's history page.
• Missing Names - You'll need to define the full name progression (exact dates are encouraged, but not required). You'll need to add the name changes she has had for apprenticeship and warriorhood so they appear on the list.

VITALS: She-cat - She-cats are currently banned for creation in RiverClan (and all other, actually) clans. We're trying to sort through a deficit of males in all clans. Though with upcoming deaths and things like that we might have it evened out soon.

PERSONALITY

• Calm, but fiery - Powerplays. Please describe what you feel gives these impressions rather than forcing others to view your character in a certain way. You must leave room for other players characters to interpret her traits. Check out the Powerplaying Help Page.
• She sometimes wishes she were a medicine cat, but she loves the feel of fur in her claws and the tang of an enemy's blood in her mouth. - This is just a comments for your information on two major points. The first is that at CoSC cats don't pick their paths. A cat only becomes an MC when they are selected for the path by the current Medicine Cat, who usually tests the kittens before they're apprenticed to see if they want to take one into training if they need an apprentice. And secondly: Mistysplash is too young to have been in battle. She would have been passed over for the campaign against the otter, and there haven't been enough border battles in the desperate times that she could consider it implicit that she'd seen combat.

APPEARANCE

• Length - We require a minimum of one paragraph consisting of at least 3 complete sentences. What you have produced is the equivalent of a short description and is not detailed enough for the full description.

HISTORY

• However, a fox had been recently spotted - Aside from the otter that was hunting RiverClan, there have been no foxes IC during her lifetime. Foxes are dangerous and require a full patrol to remove from the territory, and thus as more dangerous here than in the books.
• One day, she decided to sneak out of camp to explore the territory. … Mistykit had almost reached the border with WindClan - Camps have a sentry 24 hours a day at CoSC. You'll have to find a player, or an NPC, who was negligent enough to miss a kit leaving the camping. This cat would be shamed (alongside the mother or whoever had kitsitting duty at that time) for loosing track of a kitten.
• Don't tell any cat 'bout me, okay? It's our secret. Make something up." the tom showed his teeth one last time and streaked back over the border. - Why would he say this? He can't hide that there was a trespass. He'd leave tracks and scent on the wrong side of the border. As soon as a patrol came along the trespass would be discovered.
• The clan bought her story - Powerplay. You would need the permission of the players of every cat in the clan to have that happen. and given that Foxes are one of the cleverest of predators, I doubt anyone would believe the species that frequently outsmarts grown warriors would be given the slip by an inexperienced, untrained kit.
• They checked the borders and hunted, and Mistypaw continued to train - This is just a comment, because you're fuzzy on a lot of your whens. She wouldn't see the borders (aside from the tour) until later in her training. She would be 3 moon or so old before she'd be on border patrols (she'd be a semi-competent fighter before they would put her in that danger).
• She looked up a shadow fell across her vision. It was an elderly WindClan warrior, and he didn't look happy. Mistypaw wracked her brain for where she had seen that tortoiseshell pelt before. It was long ago... But that didn't matter now. Misty paw looked around, wide-eyed, as the tom unsheathed his claws. Where was Icefur?! She backed up slowly as the tom sprang at her. With a fierce caterwaul, Icefur shot out from behind a tree and dragged the Windclan tom off of Mistypaw. The toms rolled around, snarling, and Icefur screeched, "Run, Mistypaw!" Mistypaw hesitated, not sure if she should leave her mentor alone. She watched in horror, frozen, as the WindClan tom lunged forward, clamping Icefur's throat in his jaws. Icefur's eyes widened as blood spurted out of his throat and ran down his snow-white pelt. - I can't let this have happened off screen. This would have been war between the clans and would interfere with the existing plots here at the game. WC and RC have actually been rather peaceful for many moons.

You've got a good start. We just need to refine it a bit so that it fits into the existing CoSC plotline now. Feel free to let me know if there is anything that you have questions about or would like assistance with.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:16, 14 September 2013 (CDT)

Moved & Quick Declined

Moved the character to the new name. It should be noted, however, that an Apprentice Aged character will never be approved. It is strictly forbidden by our bans list and creation of young cats has never been permitted at CoSC outside of planned litters.

Additionally, setting your own character to "Approved" is not acceptable. This is clearly outlined by the form instructions that only Administrators may make those selections. Please refrain from doing so again.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:54, 17 September 2013 (CDT)

Check Results - 18 September 2013

Due to the fact that you didn't actually work on the character and opted to just write a new one don't expect to make a ton of progress. Characters usually get declined a few times at least to clean up details and nitpicks. CoSC is unlike any other game out there. Don't expect a sheet to go through the first time I read it. You'll almost certainly be required to do some editing. Please don't feel compelled to start fresh every time you're declined. You'll get never IC that way.

PERSONALITY

• Adventurous and bold, Amberstorm's fiery personality lands him in trouble more times than he can count - Powerplay. What you describe could be interpreted many different ways (troublemaking, foolhardy, etc) rather than just the two traits you are attempting for force others to view him as.
• Even if it has its advantages (being the first to scent prey and intruders) - Both a powerplay and nonsensical. You cannot claim the right to always be the first to scent things. Also, adventurousness and boldness have nothing to do with scenting ability.
• will always land him in some kind of mess - This is just a warning: If you write an absolute into your character sheet you would be expected to play it and accept the consequences. This would mean always having his tendency to rush in headlong get him into trouble every time he's in a situation. You might want to reconsider the way it is currently worded.

APPEARANCE

• Lack of Detail - You'll want to actually describe the markings in more detail. Where is the white located? How far down does the color go? Is he a van? (the white being mentioned first vaguely implies this…)
• silver-gray bicolor - Gray based coats are currently banned in RiverClan.
• He has white and silver-gray bicolor - This is just a nitpick on my part, for you consider and decide how you want to say it. "silver-gray and white" and "silver-gray bicolor" mean the same thing. Generally speaking, the color is put before white (just a convention from the cat-fancy and not mandatory, though).

HISTORY

• She dubbed the tom, a little silver-and-white scrap of fur, Amberkit, for his big amber eyes - Kittens are born with closed eyes and named on the evening they're born. He would be 8-10 days old before his eyes would open, and then they would be blue and give way slowly to amber. It's fine if you start him out named Silverkit or something generic and then name him Amberpaw when he's apprenticed over his big amber eyes.
• the she-cat, a strong, muscular white-furred kit, Frostkit, for her snow-white fur - From a genetic standpoint, it's unlikly that a silver and a cat named Darkpelt could throw a white unless she was albino (which is a bad thing). Non-albino white is a dominate trait. So either one of the parents needs to have it, or she's the rare (and handicapping) albino and her brother likly carries the gene hidden in his blood. You can stick with it, but be warned, it could effect him if he ever breeds.
• Silverfeather refused to disclose the kit's father's name, for her own reasons, and the Clan puzzled over the mystery. Was the father a strong, loyal RiverClan tom, or was Silverfeather's mate loyal to a different leader? No matter what the Clan thought about the kit's father, they still cherished the young cats. - This is mostly just a statement and a request that you take out mentioned to the actions of the clan (powerplays). It's perfectly normal at this game for the queen to not disclose the sire. In fact, it's considered taboo for a tom to claim to have mated with a queen and sired her kits unless she states he was involved first. They have an implicit, traditional right to privacy. Mates and Mating protocols for Queen's Privacy.
• But then the two started drifting apart- Frostpaw had proved to be a great fighter and hunter, while Amberpaw excelled at swimming and fishing. - A cat who is good at hunting and fighting at the same time, is only good at them, never great or excellent. The muscles are completely different and being good at both limits your ability to be great at both due to the lack of focus. Also: Fishing is a part of hunting in RiverClan. Swimming is an expectation, but not overly encouraged as it serves as little more than added safety if you fall in the river.
• Amberpaw was always enlisted on the fishing patrols and Frostpaw preferred hunting patrols. - Fishing patrols don't exist at this game. About half the year here the river isn't even fishable.
• They served Riverclan, but Frostfeather seemed to be cozying up to a handsome tom named Blackpelt. Amberstorm thinks they will soon become mates, but does not know for sure. - This sort of thing is not done off camera with NPCs. We only occasionally do NPC litters and never from family. You can create the Frostfeather NPC, but would be expected to try and adopt her out, and kill her off if an adopter couldn't be found in a month or two. But Blackpelt can't exist. If the sister finds a cat to sire a litter, it would have to be a player character.

SIGNIFICANT CATS: Mentor: Ravenshimmer - He's simply not significant. There's no reason to name him and remove the name from circulation. Naming him just creates extra work for you, and creating the character brings nothing to the game. You'd be better served asking one of the players of the older cats (even dead ones of the correct age) if they'd let that character have been your's mentor.

Remember, if you have any questions, just let me know.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:16, 18 September 2013 (CDT)

Check Results - 22 September 2013

PERSONALITY: fiery personality - Powerplay. There are a ton of ways that a cat can take a tendency to get into trouble. Focus on describing what you think leads to the "fire" instead of just claiming it.

HISTORY

• She dubbed the tom . . . Graykit - This does not match what you list as his birth name in the Key Dates section.
• They served Riverclan, - Incomplete sentence. You either missed some removing stuff, or meant to add on to the end of this...
• Premature End - The history stops abruptly at 12 moons. You'll want to address the few months you left out, even if it's just brushing the edges of things like the hard winter we're currently in.

FAMILY; Full Sibling Frostfeather - Just so you know, you'll be expected to create the NPC sheet for her (just outlining what information about her is provided by the Amberstorm sheet) and offer her up for adoption. If she's not adopted in a reasonable time period, we'd then come up with an appropriate end for her.

GENERAL: I'm not sure how to describe Amberstorm's fur in more detail (I don't exactly know the correct names for all the markings) but I want to provide a picture. I am not sure how- it says to provide a link, and I have the picture saved to my desktop. Help please? - We don't permit the uploading of random images for inclusion on the character sheets. If you want to email me a copy so we can talk about the markings in more detail, try admin@kitsufox.com . Though what you've adjusted it to here is fine. You did a good job of describing the various placements of the markings and gave it much more detail in the process.

It's good progress. Keep going like this and you'll be IC in no time.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:54, 22 September 2013 (CDT)

Check Results - 23 September 2013

KEY DATES & HISTORY

• Born Silverkit in the Moon of Leopard's Rest (2007) & In the Moon of Running Prey of 2008 . . . gave birth to two healthy kits. - Date conflict.
• They became warriors in the moon of Tiger's Wrath in 2008 - Assuming the Key Date listed is correct, then they were two moons old. The current moon is Tiger's Wrath of 2009.

HISTORY: They became warriors in the moon of Tiger's Wrath in 2008, taking the names Amberstorm and Frostfeather. They served Riverclan, and continue to. However, during the harsh winter a couple moons later - There is some sense that you're not understand this well. Assuming you meant the became a warriors moon to be in 2009, then it's the current moon (granted, it would also mean they had become warriors at 15 moons instead of 12 as per normal, so you're going to want to fiddle with your dates a bit).

FAMILY

• Dame Mistysplash - Just so you know, you would have to kill her off in this history, along with the site. You would not be able to make them into playable characters (off camera litters are not permitted). If you want to use the name Mistysplash in the future, you won't want to use it here. I suspect you're fond of the name.
• Sire Whitepelt - Please address what's happened with him, even if it's just mentioning that he died. I understand that he's unknown to her, but it will help speed things when we have to go in and put the NPCs into the system.

Mostly just some timeline concerns. Approval isn't far off, now.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 19:59, 23 September 2013 (CDT)

Check Results - 29 September 2013

VITALS: Out of Grayfur - Grayfur is an already used name. You'll have to selected a name that has not been used in our past for the NPC mother.

Just one last thing, but it's a serious enough thing that I can't let it slide. Almost there now! (I'll keep my eyes open and try and catch it immediately so we can get him IC)  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 10:39, 29 September 2013 (CDT)

Approved - 1 October 2013

You have no idea how happy I was to see you catch the moon-in-names thing on your own!  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:43, 1 October 2013 (CDT)

Confiscation

Hi Kitsu, I wanted to post to get Amberstorm back. I am sorry for missing the check, I didn't know I was supposed to do something. It won't happen next time. Thanks! Mistysplash

I know you're an active player, so it's no trouble to get him back (I tried to avoid it all together, but couldn't stretch it more than 24 hours - You must have been away over that period). Also: Remember to sign all messages posted to talk pages with four Tildes (~~~~).  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:03, 21 November 2013 (CST)

Confiscation

Hi Kitsu, I wanted to post to get Amberstorm back. I am sorry for missing the check, I didn't know I was supposed to do something. It won't happen next time. Thanks! Misty splash

Recovery accepted. Despite the huge lag. Hopefully you'll return to the game with the rest of us.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:14, 20 February 2016 (CST)