Dusktalon
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 1 February 2010
A pretty solid start.
PERSONALITY
- The one lasting impression of Dusktalon's warrior ceremony has left him with is a puffed-up sense of superiority. - I think you changed tack about half-way through the sentence.
- He holds the warrior code as his own personal law book, in which must be abided by at all times. - The second part of the sentence makes little sense. in which what must be abided at all times? Please clarify the language.
- It would be an understatement to say that Dusktalon has pride in his clan - Very mild powerplay in deciding that his level of pride in his clan is understated. A cat who possess a similar clan-pride-level would see his as normal or appropriate, and the rest of the world to lack proper pride. Please take care that your wordings leave space for such differences in personality and interpretation amongst the characters players will be interpreting this personality on the behalf of.
- often in the most brutal way conceivable - Powerplay. I know of some characters that could conceive of little brutality and still others who could conceive of a great deal. Perhaps you meant that to be a phrase that looks inward to what he can conceive. If so you should clarify.
APPEARANCE
- Dusktalon's pelt is thick, almost luxurious- but coarse - The words course and luxurious are directly at odds with one another. A course, practical pelt is not a luxurious one, even if it is thick.
- The only other color on his body other than gray, is flecks of white on his front paws. - Please clarify the marking as the word "fleck" is rarely used in a dictonary sort of way and I find that myself and others tend not to agree on what it means. If you are meaning white spots on the top of the foot, then I would have to cite genetics and ask you to find a photograph of a solid colored cat with a marking remotely like that. I've seen mostly solid cats with white toes, but never spotted paw-tops.
- Windclan is notorious for their clanmates to possess a lean frame - This is not consistent with the WindClan of CoSC. The common WindClanner is a smallish cat of fairly common build. Overly lean cats might be well suited to run, but not to cope with a prey animal as large as they are. Catching it is a waste of time if you're so frail-ly built that you break as soon as one lashes out with a powerful hind leg. In addition to the WindClan page you might also check out the Bans list compilation for the clan. It gives you a live output of the various builds and how many members of the clan are each. It's a useful tool to figuring out what "normal" is.
HISTORY
- His father had died in the elder's den shortly a couple moons after his birth, and grew up without a father. - I'm not sure or not if this is true, so consider it more guidance and a comment from me than a request for correction. It feels like this might be making more of something that, in the context of this society, is inconsequential into something as if it was a big deal. In a society where mothers have the right to refuse to name a father growing up without one is not exactly something big...
- His mother was ill, in which her sickness ate at her everyday, until she finally died. All that he could think about was the pain that plagued her until her death. - For purposes of record keeping please identify the illness.
If you have any questions feel free to drop me a line.