Ashcloud/Archive 1

Check Results - 5 May 2010

It's always fun to see a first submission from someone, and you've done pretty good. It's very unusual for a character here, even when the player has been here awhile, not to go through a few rounds of decline before it's approved. If you have any questions about this decline you should direct them to Kitsufox.

PERSONALITY

• a curious and friendly tom - A very borderline power play. You do a good job of giving the whys and wherefors of the traits, but it's still iffy to just claim them like that rather than leave other players room to interpret them through the eyes of their individual characters. We're probably the strictest game in the warriors fandom where Powerplay is concerned.
• although he has his solemn days - Please clarify the causes of this better, as right now it's just a free pass to have the character act however you please in a given situation without regard to the other established personality traits.
• Although he doesn't act like it he is loyal and understanding at heart - If he appears to lack loyalty, how is he a warrior? A cat who's loyalty is in doubt isn't going to easily be granted a warriors name. Cats are judged by how they act. If he doesn't act loyal why would the leader have trusted him with the freedom and privilege of warriorship?
• Featherclaw has taken as a self-centered egotist, but he doesn't care what others think. - I think you changed tack right in the middle of writing that sentence. I also think their might be powerplay in it, but since it's garbled I can't be sure. Just keep powerplay avoidance in mind when you edit ;)
• Even though he appears generally open and carefree, Featherclaw is very collected and is not very serious because he finds it difficult to connect with another cat properly. - Please clarify this. I'm very unclear on what it means, and parts of it seem to contradict each other...
• His nature is in a way conflicting for he is very sociable but has a sensitive or reserved side few are made aware of. - Unfortunately the traits do have to be balanced against each other and explained in a way that makes it clear how they exist despite the conflict in the same cat. It should be noted, also, that a reserved cat and a sensitive cat are not the same thing, so the 'or' in that section of the sentence seems like the wrong word to use.

APPEARANCE

• Overall - Please clarify the markings some. Particularly the darker points. I'm about 90% sure you're shooting for a pointed bicolor, but am not exactly sure... We do require that cats be genetically possible (we use real genetics for breeding), so if you need assistance working out how to word things, just drop me a PM. I suggest finding a picture of a cat that looks similar to what you want, and describing that cat (with the modifications to get exactly the markings you want). It just takes the guesswork out of the genetics, and then you have something to show me to help you work out how to clearly word the description of issues crop up. It should be noted, though, that including a picture in your links is not a substitute for a full and proper description in the way some games permit.

HISTORY

• Shortly after the day of his ceremony to apprenticeship he became more laid back, intent on excelling to a respectable warrior. - So he completely altered his core nature in a heartbeat? Certainly he had challenges defying his fun loving, headstrong and unfocused nature, for sweeping changes of a personality are difficult to manage at best, and near impossible at worst.
• timid at first at the thought of not doing something right - This seems at odds with the rest of his personality.
• Most of the time he spent with the elders were to hear their stories of their time as warriors, inspiring him to do what he could to have few regrets as a warrior. - Did he not start visiting the elders or hearing the historical tales as a kit? That's a valuable training time, and if his mother isolated him so completely that he didn't get the tales as a kit and they were new to the point of him wasting time sitting in the elder's den as an apprentice when he should be training or working I think the leader would have interfered.
• When his time finally came for his warrior ceremony excitement was immense is normal for a new warrior. - It's another of those sentences where you changed your mind mid writing, I think...
• Featherclaw had gained more respect with his warrior name with the Clan - Powerplay. I doubt cats will respect him more now that he's a warrior that shows no outward signs of clan loyalty than they did as an apprentice. But you must leave that for the reader to decide.
• It wasn't often that his presence was turned away - Powerplay.

Remember, if you have questions just let me know. It's a very nice start, even if the decline seems a bit long.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 11:53, 5 May 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 17 May 2010

I offer my humblest apologies for the length of time this took to get a second reading from me. Finals week was brutal for me, but the turnaround time should be much more normal than the they have been in the past. We'll get you live in the game as quickly as possible from here on out.

PERSONALITY

• Featherclaw is generally flamboyant - This bit is still a powerplay because you haven't done anything to back up the statement as fact. You'll either need to edit it out or add in information that gives players room for interpretation.
• Featherclaw is a fiercely loyal tom that does not take lightly the importance of his Clan or family - Powerplay. Loyalty is a matter of opinion. Some would consider family being anywhere near the list with clan to be a failing of loyalty.

APPEARANCE

• under his ears like a wave before it get's taken over with a dark gray, From his shoulders the dark gray fades as it flows down near his tail. His tail is an even darker gray, near black, on the top, near black, on the top nearing the tip of his tail with the base of it the soft gray of his back & His back paws both are solid soft gray while the front only has a few flecks of gray, more so on the right than the left. - I'm specifically listing a series of statements because they're all a part of what I'm going to talk about. Specifically, it's the collection of markings together that are the issue. The tail and head being darker than the body is very clearly a "Pointed" marking. The light tail tip and the pale paws, however, do not fit with this. I suggest looking at a few pictures of pointed bicolors and pointed cats so that you understand the rules of where the dark areas happen, but basically, all 6 extremities (head, tail, 4 paws) need to have the dark color.
• White Markings - The markings described are not exactly consistent with the way that white on cats works. Check out the page describing the [Genetics:White Marking Gene|White Marking Gene]].

You're making very good progress. I look forward to seeing the next revision. If you have any questions just let me know.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:52, 17 May 2010 (CDT)

Post Approval Fixes - 31 May 2010

I could not bring myself to do a full decline over these two insignificant changes. Character is approved, but you'll want to fix these.

PERSONALITY

• does his best - Gender change missed.

HISTORY

• was born he had been - Gender.