Brightdawn/Archive 1
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 30 August 2009
Welcome to your first round of approvals. I'd like to let you know that going through a few rounds of this is perfectly normal, and not to be discouraged. It's rare for a character to go through without at least one. If you have any questions, just drop me a PM.
PERSONALITY
- an energetic young she-cat - This is a powerplay, which means the line controls other people's characters. In the context of a character sheet, it usually refers to forcing characters to interpret yours in a specific way. Please describe the things you feel give an impression rather than just stating the impression.
- is often cheerful - Borderline powerplay.
- is very determined - Powerplay.
APPEARANCE
- She has very pale gray-blue stream-colored eyes - 'Stream colored' seems like a weird descriptor, as stream isn't color... and usually streams are clear strait down to the bottom, or mucked up and so muddy you can't see them...
- which sparkle mischieviously when she's teasing - Powerplay, as it forces "mischievous" on the interpretation of the sparkle.
HISTORY
- As a result, she was somewhat coddled by her mother, Squirrelleap, which she disliked. - This is just mostly an FYI, not a direct problem, in relation to something you might wish to include. Bloodstar does not believe in coddling kits, and when it comes to his attention to that it's happening, he takes measures to ensure the kit has the room they need to grow, including things like sending queens with kits who are weaned out on hunting patrols and the like so they can be left with less restrictive babysitters.
- Brightkit became the warrior Brightpaw - Mis-listed the rank.
- The Clan deputy informed her that she had passed and on the following day the Clan leader named her a warrior. - Assessments are not a pass/fail endeavor. There could be a cat who went out and caught nothing on a trip and might still be made a warrior in response, because things like hunting are very much the subject of chance on top of the skill of the cat in question. Brightdawn would not have been made aware of any results of the assessment, or any intention to make her a warrior. She would find out when the rest of the clan did.
- she would be given a den on the outside, the coldest spot in leaf-bare. - Sleeping outside of the den, in the elements would be her death. She would literally be frozen to death or at least die of hypothermia. The purpose of the warriors den is to share body heat and protection of the elements as the temperature heads below zero (see the Temperature Guide and the Weather Reports).
- As she is only a young warrior - See ThunderClan by Age. There is another young warrior in the clan at the moment.
You have an excellent start, and if you have any questions about the check results just drop me a PM.
Check Results - 4 September 2009
PERSONALITY
- Brightdawn can be easily distracted by a moth or a leaf, but as she progressed in her apprenticeship Brightdawn learned to be more attentive. - If the information is historical in nature it belongs in history, not personality.
- Great work. You did a lot of improvement in one round. This is the way it should go. I suspect unless you make major changes we'll be golden after this round.