Honeycloud/1
From Children of StarClan
Contents
Check Results - 21 December 2008
CAPITALIZATION ISSUES
- The words Living, Warrior, and She-cat must be correctly capitalized in accordance with instructions or your character will not register properly with the system.
PERSONALITY
- will sneak to the nursery when she is not on patrol and doesn't have any duties at all to play with the current kits - Why did it become a crime for a cat to pay a visit to the nursery? Since she's doing so on her own time, why is sneaking necessary? Was she banned from the nursery by the Clan Leader?
- 1 Dimensional - The only things you've given us about this character are that she likes to be happy, likes kits, and likes running. You'll have to include more than her likes, and acctually talk about the personality itself.
APPEARANCE
- Her fur is a pale yellow color & Her stripes extend from her neck to the tip of her tail and are pale orange in color - Please clarify this, as I'm getting the distinct impression of a cat who possess a dilute base (fawn, or pale yellow) with non-dilute stripes (ginger, or red). There is also the issue of you needing to clarify what you mean by stripes. Markings like tiger stripes don't exist in domestic cats, so I'll need you to clarify if these are tabby stripes or otherwise.
HISTORY
- Her mother comforted her by saying Rainkit was in StarClan and that he had all of his strength back. - Back? But wasn't he born weak...
- Honeypaw was heartbroken, for the strong bond that had grown between her father and herself was severed. - In what way was the bond severed? Clanners believe firmly in a life beyond death and the idea that the dead continue to watch and guide from the afterlife. How would death sever any bond they had? Please clarify.
- Cloudstorm was found dead at the same place that Goldencloud was, persumably from a fox attack as well - Why didn't the fox eat the body?
- request that her name be Honeycloud, in honor of Cloudstorm and Goldencloud, the two toms she loved so much. The leader agreed - You'll need to notify Blackstar of the situation, and ask him to provide a statement here (on this talk page) with his approval or disapproval of the situation.
- Honeycloud sat the traditional new warrior vigil, then sat vigil for Cloudstorm before returning to her new warrior duties. - How could she participate in both? They'd have happened at the same time (the clan would not have kept a dangerous dead body around any longer than needed for the pleasure of one cat).
Kitsufox Fox's Den 21:45, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 22 December 2008
PERSONALITY
- Single Dimensional - The character is still incredibly flat, and you leave absolutely no space for other players to interpret things about her. The focus is still on 'she likes this and that'. There's no room for interpretation, or dynamic realism to the character. It's just a flat super-happy-bouncy uber!generic personality.
- Lack of Flaws - This character has absolutely no flaws (this is part of what's causing it to be so flat).
APPEARANCE
- Her fur has a dilute base of pale yellow. Her tabby, non-dilute, stripes extend from her neck to the tip of her tail and are ginger in color. - A cat cannot be dilute and non-dilute at the same time. This is why clarification was such an issue before.
HISTORY
- found the will to go on without mourning, for it was the day of her warrior ceremony and she felt that being named a warrior would erase all her grief. - You'll have to ask Blackstar about this section, too, as I don't know if Doublestar would have been willing to hold a Warriors Ceremony (which your character would not have known was to be that day, anyways) when a vigil for a dead warrior was to be held.
Kitsufox Fox's Den 16:19, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 23 December 2008
PERSONALITY
- Single Dimensional (3rd INCLUDE) - The character is still incredibly flat, and you leave absolutely no space for other players to interpret things about her. The focus is still on 'she likes this and that'. There's no room for interpretation, or dynamic realism to the character. It's just a flat super-happy-bouncy uber!generic personality.
- One of Honeycloud's weaknesses is that she is paranoid about bad situations. In a bad situation, she tries to keep optimistic at all times. But if the situation worsens in her mind it is blown way out of porportion and she has a panic attack. In her panic attacks she tries desperatly to convince herself that everything is alright and that she should stay calm. During her panic attacks she feels nervous and jumps at every noise around her, thinking that something is going to pop out at her and scare her. Another weakness is that she has difficulties with simple conservation. She gets so nervous that she has a panic attack and stutters on the first word she says. - This would be debilitating to the point where it would have prevented her from being a warrior. What leader would permit a cat who panicked to the point of uselessness out into the world as a warrior?
APPEARANCE
- She is a red-tabby cat with pale orange fur and mackeral dark orange stripes. - You're still putting 'pale' and 'dark' in the same description. This indicates a mixing of dilute and non-dilute. Try looking at a few examples of good tabby descriptions for some ideas: Cardinalpaw, Sagepelt, & Hawkstar.
HISTORY We're at a point where some new things have to get discussed, that haven't been mentioned before now.
- One day when Honeypaw was close to her warrior ceremony, news broke out that Goldencloud went missing. On patrol a day later, Cloudstorm found blood-stains on the ground. Fox-scent was mingled with Goldencloud's scent, so the patrol figured that Goldencloud had died from being attacked and eaten by a fox. Around noon a patrol went out to find the fox and drive it from WindClan's territory. The patrol, lead by Cloudstorm, found the fox. The fox attacked Cloudstorm and left him fatally wounded. Luckily the other cats on the patrol were able to drive the fox out before it could get anyone else and eat Cloudstorm's body. - The issue here is that this would have been two moons ago to be close to her warriors ceremony. A fox in a clan's territory is a really, really big deal. CoSC holds to the idea that such things are not as easy for cats to drive off as the books make them. Given the proximity to the recent Killingcough plot, I really can't let it go through given the timing. If you change the timing, though, they could be made into victims of the Fisher, Sair Fen, in the Rise of the Killer plot.
Kitsufox Fox's Den 18:05, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 27 December 2008
Christmas caught up with me, and thus this is the first chance I've had to look at things.
PERSONALITY
- Comment - The entire thing changed... and is so different. Just taking the time to mentally note that I'm shocked by the sudden and complete morph this has gone through. I thought you were shooting for a pleasant to be around character...
- Single Dimensional (4th Include) - The core issue is still here. You have one trait, and that comprises everything you said. Certainly there is more to this character than ambition?
Kitsufox Fox's Den 16:38, 27 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 28 December 2008
PERSONALITY
- She honors their ways so she wouldn't do anything to become Deputy of the Clan. - According to this, she would make no effort to be the deputy. I have a feeling you meant that she wouldn't violate the code to become deputy, but you're going to want to reword for clarity if that is the case.
- She couldn't imagine killing another cat in her clan, for honesty is one of Honeycloud's traits. - I didn't know refusal to do murder and honesty were links thus like this...
- Honeycloud is very kind to her fellow warriors - Mild powerplay, as what is and isn't kind is a matter of perspective (Bloodstar once told an apprentice he looked forward to meeting him in battle, and considered it doing a kindness to the cat by being willing to show him how life really is, for example). Please edit to remove the angle that forces people to view your character as kind.
- She is very motherly towards apprentices and kits - This one's just touching the border of powerplay, so you may want to change the wording to buff it out.
- Still a Touch Flat - You've done a great job of improving it thus far, but things are still a bit flat.
- Tagged in Content - You may which to sit down and work on the wording of your personality a little bit for clarity and suchlike, as it's pretty obvious right now that the last two paragraphs were just stuck onto the end.
Kitsufox Fox's Den 15:43, 28 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 3 January 2009
PERSONALITY
- While I don't have any specific issues, I do have a few requests. #1, I'd like to see a brief overview sort of thing applied to the beginning so that people referencing your character's sheet do not necessarily need to read it all. You also might wish to edit the whole personality, which is rather long, for brevity. You do repeat yourself a lot during the course of it.