Mothflight

Decline #1 - Check Results - 16 September 2014

PERSONALITY

• When push comes to shove, she does what she's told. She's never disobedient... - The first sentence strikes me as being indicative of there being some reticence obey, and the second directly conflicts with that. I suspect I'm just not reading into it the meaning you want read into it and we need a little clarification.
• Her general nonchalance ensures that she is comfortable in any setting, with any company. - Borderline powerplay that can be fixed by saying "she feels comfortable" instead of is.

KEY DATES: Born and dubbed - You selected birth instead of kit. This means you're linked into the wrong dates system and she won't show up properly on the list for ShadowClan.

HISTORY

• They were apprenticed at six moons - You should include this in the key dates. It'll help other players know things like when she entered the apprentices den when writing/updating profiles.
• Pinestripe, who was quite plainly expecting her first apprentice to be something like Hazelpaw - Not exactly a request for change... But at CoSC every cat does not mentor. Senior Warriors are the trusted inner circle of the clan leader, not cats over a certain age. Most mentors come from that group of cats, meaning that some cats never end up mentoring. Would Pinestripe be overconfident enough to be expecting an apprentice at all, let alone more than one (as suggested by the word "first"). You can totally leave the implication in there. I just figured I should make sure you're not just assuming the fandom standard is what we run apprentices by here.
• took their warrior names together at twelve moons - Since you know when it is, you should figure the date in.

Decidedly a most excellent first round.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:17, 16 September 2014 (CDT)