Otterscar/Archive 1
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 22 July 2010
You have a very nice start going on. Understand that is nothing abnormal about 2 or so rounds of decline and edits because CoSC has higher standards (and slightly different ones) than most players are used to. If you have any questions whatsoever just drop Kitsufox a PM.
PERSONALITY
- While the rest of her family wallowed in sorrow - Deep sorrow isn't exactly something that happens in a society like the Clan Cats. Depression is an unnatural state that is highly uncommon in societies of a tribal nature that fight day to day for survival. Give a look to This Link which covers explicitly the death of a mate, though the death of family members can be implied from that. (Note to self: Perhaps add that in)
- Born into an adoptive family - Just a comment on the impossibility of that. Even if her mother died bearing her, she's still born into her mother's family.
- though often hard to approach - Powerplay. Let other players decide if they think she's hard to approach or not.
APPEARANCE
- standard black and white bi-color fur pattern - Currently cats who have black fur (with or without white) are under a particularly heavy restriction. This means that you must be a member in good standing with already approved characters, consistent RP activity, good RP Quality, and a history of at least 6 months with the game. As a new player you simply do not qualify.
- Otterscar is the image of life among the clans - Powerplay. Every character will have their own, personal image of what life amoungst the clan is. We're looking at a generation that's grown up with no battle. Scars would be somewhat alien to them, I would think.
- an array of noticeable battle scars - Where would she get scars? There have been no battles for RiverClan since the Moon of the Markedkit, when she was apprenticed.
- Dusty black fur, which never seems quite clean & a flawless white that extends under her belly - Is the dirt selective and only gets in certain parts of her coat?
- only remarkable trait - Powerplay. Leave decisions about what a user wants to consider remarkable about her to them.
HISTORY
- It was an apprentice who said it first, who’d put into words what they all already knew; Badgerkit wasn’t their kin. - Adoption is perfectly normal and frequently done, specifically in the Warborn era. There is no negative connotation. There would also be no reason that her status as adoptive wouldn't have been openly shared with her. Ashstar and Hawkstar were both adopted. It's perfectly normal in a time when cats die in battle all the time. Why let perfectly good kits die when someone can raise them?
- When the day came for their apprentice names, Badgerkit’s three brothers were appalled to hear their sister was to wait another moon in the nursery, due to her smaller size. - Being undersized is no reason to not train an apprentice.Ashstar was himself only the size of an apprentice in his adult life. I doubt that he'd consider small size to be worthy of slowing the addition of a warrior to his clan.
- On Badgerpaw’s first tour of the borders, the danger became painfully apparent. Dustpaw stood with his back to the border of Windclan, confidently telling his newly-apprenticed sister about Trespass Point, when the far reeds rustled at her brother’s flank. The young tom never saw the attack coming and, under the weight of the enemy patrol, none of his peers had time to help him. His injuries, though standard for a warrior, were too much for Dustpaw to endure, and he lost more blood than a Medicine Cat could recover. He passed during the night, under the rueful eyes of his family. - The Moon of the Markedkit was a time of (tentative) peace. There was no open battle during the time when the momentous birth had happened.
- Their mother, Poppyfur, was the first to fall into hysterics after the death of her son, and her two adoptive brothers weren’t far behind her. - Why did they engage in unbecoming, unflattering and dishonorable hysterics? They live in a society where life after death is assured and proven.
- Poppyfur sat . . . sobbing - Cats are incapable of crying.
- muttering the occasional resentful remark to Starclan for taking him so young - Why is StarClan getting the credit when WindClan did it?
- It was another hard blow to the fragile family. - Hard blow? They're warborn and saw all through their Kithoods cats dying and passing into StarClan. Wouldn't their mother's peaceful death of old age (for the 60s are old for a Clanner) be something to celebrate?
- A half-hearted patrol was mounted, but as the days passed it was generally accepted that the reserved warrior had left of his own free will. - Keep in mind that this makes him a traitor to his clan. After it was verified that he had left of his "own free will" he would be cursed as a Rogue. And if he was talking openly of things like ‘life beyond such brutality’, most would think it good riddance to a bad influence on the next generation.
- crying into the shoulders of friends - Cats cannot cry.
Remember, any questions, just let me know. Kitsufox Fox's Den 10:38, 22 July 2010 (CDT)
Check Results - 26 July 2010
APPEARANCE
- Color Language - Please clarify the color language used. I'm not sure if I should consider the character Chocolate or Red. (Red would be preferable. Chocolate is very rare in cats outside of purebreds). I also think you're describing a pointed cat but things are just not clear. because I'm not sure what you're shooting for, I can't really give more advice other than finding pictures of the sort of markings you're after to use as references.
HISTORY
- died during the late Newleaf swell of the river moons before signs of pregnancy showed.' - A cat pregnancy only lasts 9 weeks. That's just barley more than two moons. The condition would be showing by the 5th week. There are not moons that can elapse with the pregnancy unnoticed.
- The time of kit wrestling and adventure was well over, and the four were training in the uncertain and dangerous time of the final moon of the Great War. - Long Nights 06, when they are listed as being apprenticed is well after the moon that ended the Great War.
- On Badgerpaw’s first tour of the borders, the danger became painfully apparent. Dustpaw stood with his back to the border of Windclan, confidently telling his newly-apprenticed sister about Trespass Point - This is still worded as if he's been an apprentice longer. With when this happened the clans were not in open conflict with one another. (I think there might be a date-error happening...)
- His injuries, though standard for a warrior, were too much for Dustpaw to endure, and he lost more blood than a Medicine Cat could recover. He passed during the night, under the rueful eyes of his family. - Blood loss will kill a grown warrior just as quickly as a smaller apprentice in a society without stitches, tourniquets, effective bandages, and transfusions. Blood Loss is extremely dangerous. Bleeding is like dumping your life in the dirt. It's bad, bad stuff.
- her brother’s joined her with smiles once more, & she offered only smiles - Cats are not able to smile. You'll need to find other ways to have your characters express joy.
FAMILY: Family Links - Just wikilinking the names doesn't point them correctly. Characters are to be on the Character namespace, thus they need to be pointed appropriately. Or you could use the {{Name}} template and create the NPCs later on, once the character is approved.
You're definitely making good progress. I suspect this might be the last round (unless some other little stuff pops up). Remember that ay questions should be sent my way. Kitsufox Fox's Den 09:54, 26 July 2010 (CDT)
Suggested Correction - 3 August 2010
I didn't want to do a full decline over this, so understand I still need a fix on this before you start RPing ;)
HISTORY: Some rumors spread and the rare, unkind gaze could be caught directed at the siblings, but with time and proven loyalty, they too faded away. - Right now it's a powerplay because it forces players to have their characters not doubt your character's loyalty. The freedom to retain doubt should be given to other players. Something as major as someone getting up and leaving the clan, something so rare and so treasonous, is something you'll just have to accept the possible negative consequences of.