Owlwing
From Children of StarClan
Contents
Check Results - 5 July 2010
Congratulations on making your first character submission! My name is Kitsufox and I'm in charge of character approvals here. This means if you have any questions about this decline you should use the forum to drop me a PM. I'd also like you to know that 2-4 rounds of decline and editing are perfectly normal (and actually commonplace) here. We have a number of views and a world interpretation that's just a bit different than other games and this can lead to a bit of a learning curve.
AFFILIATION: Clan: ThunderClan - Currently no characters are being accepted in ThunderClan that are not born to IC litters.
PERSONALITY
- a lively, energetic and enthusiastic tom - Powerplaying. All of these traits could be interpreted in another way, and because of that I encourage you to describe what you feel leads to these impressions rather than just claiming them. Another character should be given the freedom to interpret your character as undisciplined or juvenile if that's the way in which their character would see those traits.
- He is very kind - Powerplaying.
APPEARANCE
- A note - It should be noted that CoSC uses actual feline genetics (See PSA #2).
- a mottled brown tabby - Please clarify this description a bit. I think you're intending a Classic or Blotched tabby, but I'd like to be sure as the description provided could also refer to a broken mackerel tabby.
- tabby tom with several white stripes on his sides - White stripes simply do not exist in cats to my knowledge. If you feel you can disprove this do the research and then share your research with Kitsufox via PM. Be sure that the research is more than just fuzzy and indistinct photographs, and includes genetic references if possible.
- a mottled brown tabby & a bushy white tail - Due to the way the White Marking Gene operates a cat with a colored body and a white tail simply does not happen without very rare conditions being involved. Please select white markings that reflect what is possible.
- mottled brown tabby & One of his paws are black - Brown is controlled by a different gene on the same allele in cat genetics. This means that a cat cannot be black and brown at the same time (even assuming that your cat is really a black-based tabby, which is commonly called a "brown tabby"). There are no genes that I know of that create black markings in cats. The research rules described previously apply here.
HISTORY
- Twokit - Two is a strange name. One that I doubt a leader would accept and announce to a clan. Without an explanation I have to doubt the suitability of the name.
- One day Icekit decided to leave the camp to hunt when the Clan was low on fresh-kill - At what age did this happen? And how did they get past everyone in the camp, including the sentry who would have been standing guard and Assorted members of the clan not out on patrol who would be around the camp (and likely outside since this would be at least 2-3 moons into their kithoods to have the physical ability to possibly get away with it).
- The fox critically wounded the three kits & Owlwing was apprenticed at the age of 6 moons - How did a critically wounded cat end up apprenticed on time? And without any discussion of the permeant damage it would cause. Certainly coming out of a violent attack in which he was nearly killed in a society in which stitches and actual bandages don't exist would result in permanent damage of some sort. Damage worse than a single scar.
- This often prompted Swallowtail to give rewards for tasks when he completes them, such as moss soaked in honey. - In what way is honey moss a treat? Moss is not something cats would find desirable. Honey is a valuable herbal substance that's dangerous to collect and a rare find. No Medicine Cat, and no clan cat with a sense of responsibility, would waste it on a treat for an apprentice. Particularly not a treat for doing work they should already have been doing.
FAMILY MEMBERS: his brother Twofeather - We do permit the offering of such characters up as adoptables (playing your own siblings is frowned on here). Keep in mind that if you keep him alive you'll be expected to offer him up via the Family Finder program.
Don't let this discourage you. As declines here go yours was hit for very minor reasons, and your history is pretty good. It's common for personality to get hit for Powerplay (we're much harder on it than most games) and appearance to get hit for genetics. If you need any help sorting either out, drop me a PM with your specific questions or difficulties.
Check Results - 8 July 2010
PERSONALITY
- a lively, energetic and enthusiastic tom - Even with your addition to a description of the fact that "He can hardly stay in one place for an extended period of time" it's still a powerplay. A cat should be able to view his inability to hold still in a negative light if it suits their character's personality to do so. I suggest taking out the line in which you decide his inability to hold still must be interpreted as "lively, energetic and enthusiastic". Some cats could view it as him being "Distractible, unfocused, and lacking the dedication to finish his assignments".
- He is very childlike and carefree - Powerplay. Inability to hold still is not implied by kittenhood. Kithood spans into a time when a cat is physical an adult and would have it's full attention span.
APPEARANCE & HISTORY
- He has a notch in his left ear, and a variety of scars which crisscoss and weave themselves over his pelt. Due to this, he's slowed down visibly, and he has permanent muscle damage on one of his back legs, and limps visibly due to that & Owlpaw never fully recovered from the fox attack, and was very jumpy - I wonder about the choice to heal a kit so critically injured as Owlkit. Your description is of a cat that is is not fit to be a Warrior. Take a Look at the Essay on the Subject of Disabilities. We currently don't permit created elders (unless they happen IC). If you created a character and wanted to have them injured on screen that would be acceptable, but off screen makes it difficult.
HISTORY
- At one point, a fox couple raided the nursery looking for food. In the process they severely injured the sentry, Ratkit and Owlkit, and took Icekit. The leader sent patrols to search for Icekit, but they found and drove out the foxes. - The lack of a clear when on this is problematic, but it should be noted that during Sair Fen's time in the forest the cats were not only paranoid, but other predators had been driven away by the Fisher. There are also problems of a fox getting into camp being a very significant thing. Such a dramatic event in the center of clanner life is difficult to just write in as an Off Camera event. Also, where was the kit's mother or whatever cat would have been assigned to sit with the kits in the nursery? And why didn't the fox stop his hunt with the sentry and just carry him off? Why waste energy making a perfectly good kill and them move on to waste time fighting other cats and stealing kittens?
- Owlpaw was apprenticed at the age of 6 moons. - According to my count he would have been 8 moons of age based on the moons you've selected.
- When Owlpaw was on a sunhigh patrol, a twoleg snatched him up and brought him to his nest. - More detail, please. A warrior nearing full training should have been able to spot something so clumsy as a human. Feral cats are notoriously hard to catch without traps.
- Owlwing became a warrior on his 9th moon of training, along with his brother Ratfang - Why was Ratpaw held back? Certainly not to wait for a brother that would have been presumed dead.
- Later, Ratfang was killed on a patrol by a badger. - More detail please, Badger are uncommon and need approval to have appeared IC, so the circumstances would be important.
Feel free to ask for clarifications or discuss points you're unsure about with me. You're making good progress. Just keep in mind do to the number of odd and significant events in your character's history that this approval will likely go back and forth more than is normal. Unuusality adds points of complication to the process.
Check Results - 8 July 2010
PERSONALITY
- Focuses on the Past - Right now the personality is giving historical information (such as past events). Referencing him as an apprentice won't exactly provide accurate references to how he acts 14 moons later.
- Owlwing is a lively, energetic and enthusiastic tom - This statement remains a powerplay. There are just so many ways to interpret a positive outlook when coupled with excessive energy (foolish is one that pops to mind. Also, unfocused). Take a look at how you approached Stubborn later in the personality, where you dealt very effectively with potential other interpretations by clarifying your reasons for stubborn so well the powerplay just isn't there.
APPEARANCE
- His fur sticks up at the oddest angles - Very mild powerplay, as what is odd would vary from cat to cat. What represents the "oddest" angle would be even more subjective. Your appearance has gotten to the point where we're down to just the tiny details like this. Good work.
HISTORY
- One day, Greencough swept through the nursery, and Icekit died. - A sickness that "sweeps" (a word that implies everyone had it) is both a bit extreme to let happen off camera and a minor powerplay for anyone who was a kitten at that time. ;) Change 'Nursery' to 'Litter' and you'll be golden.
- Owlpaw was apprenticed at the age of 7 moons. - Why was he apprenticed a moon late?
- parents both caught Greencough . . . both eventually died - CoSC does not consider Greencough to be particularly dangerous. This is more a note, since if the parents were older, it could be potentially fatal. ;) Think of it as a comment for when you're setting up the NPC sheets.
- Owlpaw would not leave their side, not until they both eventually died. - This would not be tolerated. and so long as he refused to work and refused to train no one would feed him or permit him to eat. Clans don't have space for slothful cats that refuse to do as they should and waste time staring at the sick and getting in the way of the Medicine Cat as they try to work.
- Owlwing became a warrior on his 6th moon of training - How? They were apprenticed a moon late and insisted on lolling around staring at thier dying parents rather than training.
- Later, Ratfang was killed on a patrol by a monster - Monster without modifiers means car. Why a ShadowClanner got hit by a car is something you should explain since they have no reason to be anywhere near the road. Specifying another type of monster could make the situation work, however.
You're still making good progress. and you've got the harder part (appearance) pretty much ironed out. The rest should fall into place quickly.
Needed Correction - 15 July 2010
I decided that, since this was completely minor and the only issue, that it wasn't worthy of a full decline. Instead I'll request the small correction post approval.
IMPORTANT DATES/HISTORY
- Timing Issues, Birth to Apprenticeship - I count 6 moons between First White of '06 to First green of '07. (The moon of birth would count as "0 moons old", it's not the number of moons they've lived in, but the number they've lived through that should be counted).