Skydancer/1

Check Results - 4 August 2010

Welcome to CoSC and congratulations on submitting your first character! Please understand that 2-4 rounds of decline and editing are perfectly normal here for a new player due to the different opinions this game holds on some items like powerplaying (IE: We believe you can powerplaying a character sheet, while few other games believe that). If you have any problems whatsoever I urge you to send me (Kitsufox)

NAMES

• IcePool - the second word in a compound warriors name is never capitalized. You should also use the "Move" function at the top of a page to move your page to the correct capitalization.
• HawkTalon - Second word capitalized.
• EagleGaze - Second word capitalized. Also the name of a character already in the game.

IMPORTANT DATES: Lack of Apostrophes in Born and Apprenticed Dates - the lack of the apostrophes in some moon word are what is causing the age to not display correctly. You'll need to correct this before approval is even an option.

NAME HISTORY: Format - Please reformat your name history in accordance with Described Conceptions from the help page linked with the field.

PERSONALITY

• IcePool Is loving, however short tempered - Powerplay. You cannot simply force other characters to view your character in a certain way. You must instead describe what you feel gives these impressions and leave the conclusions to the reader.
• She would make a good queen however she wishes to defend her clan - This statement makes little sense. Here at CoSC a she-cat becomes a queen only while heavily pregnant and nursing her kits. While lighting pregnant and supervising them in the Nursery she would be expected to hunt. She would return to her Warriors Duties as soon as her kits were apprenticed. Queen is a rank that's visited but never permanently acquired. A cat who only laid in the nursery with the kits would be a waste of food and space for her clan, endangering the lives of cats working to provide for her by taking food out of their mouths.
• she has a way of looking at things so they allways seem serious when she says them - Powerplay. You Cannot use your character sheet to force other players to have to respond to the RP of your character in a certain way.
• she is very playfull - Mild powerplay.
• She flicks her ear whenever she getsbored - Clarify what you mean by this please, as I'm not sure what action you mean by "flick" (IE: Is she using a paw or just wiggling it?).
• she is rarely ever hungry - How? Everyone gets hungry. It's a biological function.
• Her fighting style is offensive and defensive and has an equally balanced hunting tecnique - Please clarify.

APPEARANCE

• Overall - Please note that characters must be genetically possible. This means your character must exist in real life. Right now I'm not convinced your character is. I suggest finding reference pictures of the markings you wish to ensure that they really exist.
• a white muzzle with grey flecks - Clarify the marking, please.
• pelt along her back is light grey with various darker shades speckling it, halfway up from paw to spine (while she is just standing normally) the speckled pattern stops and is replaced br varying shades of light grey - Clarify, please. I don't think any of this exists in RL on the same cat as stripes.
• paw pads are black - Cats who are gray (dilute) cannot posses markings in black (non-dilute).
• her claws are suprisingly tinted black - Why, on a cat with dark paws, would dark claws be a surprise? Claws reflect the color of the skin around them, which reflects the color of the fur that grows from them.

HISTORY

• had a controlling personality - Powerplay.
• she was in a lot of trouble once for sneaking out of thenursery and following a patroll out to the border and upon arriving there she fell down a rabbit hole and, when told not to follow the patroll again EVER she merely commented "It was your fault for being so tempting and followable!" - You'll have to clarify how a group of trained warriors on high alert didn't notice they were being followed by an incompetent and untrained kitten.
• Once becoming an apprentice IcePaw's first patroll (Apart from the rabbit hole one!) found trespassing RiverClan cats on their territory, they fought and won however all of the ShadowClan patroll received an injury EXCEPT IcePaw. - Why in the seventh circle of hell would RiverClan cats, who share no border with ShadowClan, be trespassing at all? Additionally, what was an untrained apprentice without battle training (who wouldn't be expecting real combat training for another 2 moons or so) be on a border patrol? And perhaps you should include the only reason a cat wouldn't receive an injury in a battle as the explanation for her lack of injury: running away. With the way cats fight pretty much every fight that's serious at all will result in at least scratches. The only way to realistically go uninjured would be to not fight. And finally, RiverClan has not been involved in any combat within about the last IC year.
• at her second gathering - Due to the dangerous nature of gatherings here apprentices rarely get to more than one while in training.
• a WindClan cat who called her "No good KittyPet!" - Why would a cat have called her that? Unless you can find a player willing to have their character intentionally starting a fight and violating the code, I have to say no.
• For unsheathing her claws and atacking her the ShadowClan leader gave her the punishment of staying in camp for two moons. - Why would Elmstar have locked her in camp and turned her into a useless pile of fur for two months while he had to have other warriors risk their lives to feed her? Select a more realistic punishment.

OVERALL

• Spellcheck - The whole sheet could use a visit by a spellchecker.
• Punctuation - Use it everywhere that is appropriate.

Remember, any questions you should just drop me a PM.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 11:33, 4 August 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 14 August 2010

PERSONALITY

• When the day is done and it is completely dark he likes to go out and hunt, or more often then not he would like to hunt alone, the problem with this being that he does not get as much interaction socially so, his attitude towards other cats can become rather bad in the day. - I'm mystified on the meaning of this sentence. I think to be clear it might need to be split into two sentences instead.
• Lack of Content - Absolutely nothing is said that isn't based on his personal preferences or desires. Only a suggestion of how he acts is made. You'll need to get into those details of his behavior.

APPEARANCE

• Nightstorm . . . has black fur - Cats with solid black coats are under a particularly heavy restriction at the moment. This means you must be a member in good standing with already approve characters, consistent RP activity, good RP quality, and a history with the game extending at least 6 months. You simply do not qualify for a restricted trait at this point in time. It should be noted that Black Bicolors are also subject to a Clan Level Restriction, which you also don't qualify for.
• His slightly short tail - Abnormal tails are currently subject to a General Restriction. This means you must be a member in good standing with already approved characters and activity in character. You currently do not qualify for this trait.

HISTORY

• one of which died of greencough in her first moon (Combined with later statement Highflame was the sister Nightcloud had who died of greencough) - Why was a moon old kitten in possession of a Warrior's name?
• Premature end - The history ends while he's still in his apprenticeship.

FAMILY MEMBERS

• Highflame was the sister Nightcloud had who died of greencough she was black with a white left ear. - This marking does not exist. A cat with an otherwise colored body will not have an un-colored ear.
• Duskysky is Nightcloud's jet black brother with blue eye, he is currently a Shadowclan warrior. - To be created alive he would be subjected to the bans list, and thus not be creatable.

As always, send any questions in my direction.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 15:27, 14 August 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 29 August 2010

PERSONALITY

• Nightstorm enjoys fighting - I'd love to have you explain why. Right no it's just a statement of preference and has very little to do with establishing his personality.
• When the day is done and it is completely dark he likes to go out and hunt, or more often then not he would like to hunt alone, the problem with this being that he does not get as much interaction socially so, his attitude towards other cats can become rather bad in the day. - [2nd INCLUDE] I'm mystified on the meaning of this sentence. I think to be clear it might need to be split into two sentences instead.
• Content Shortfalls - It's improved from the last version, but it's still rooted mostly in what he thinks of certain things, rather than getting into his actual personality.

APPEARANCE

• cream tabby pelt and a snow white belly - Night is a strange name for a cat of this color and that unusuality is never addressed in the history. Please take the time to work into the history the reasons for the choice of Night for his name.
• his cream pelt is flecked with darker cream - Please clarify the markings. The word "Flecked" is fuzzy, and the way I generally interpret it would produce a marking pattern cats simply can't have.
• has staring yellow eyes - Powerplay. You can't decide that everyone else's characters have to be startled by those eyes.
• He has a light pink nose which is not at all flat, but it is not sticking out either. - This sentence makes no sense. First is says it is absolutely not flat, and then says that it does not stick out at all, either. According to that description his nose is nowhere.
• but suprisingly has - Powerplay.

HISTORY

• Starclan & Shadowclan - Clan names have the word "Clan" capitalized, despite them being a single word.
• After becoming a warrior Nightstorm admits openly that he immediantly trying to build his strength and become a better fighter. - There's some sort of Grammar issue in the sentence, and I do have to question the meaning of the sentence... If he wasn't a competent fighter he wouldn't have become a Warrior... This almost suggests that he wasn't a solid fighter...
• a clan leader who would hold the power to unite all of the clans - This violations the entire society. Some answers to why he feels that way would be a nice look into his mind.
• Despite the previous fact he does not wish to become a power hungry war driven leader with only fighting on his mind. - I thought he liked to fight...

As per normal, send any questions my way. I apologize for the long wait and will try to have a quicker turnaround now that I'm more settled into classes.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 18:09, 29 August 2010 (CDT)