Spicestretch/Archive 1
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 4 December 2008
Welcome to the Game. It's great to see a character roll in from a new player. Keep in mind that we have standards a lot of games don't, so being declined in the first round is no unusual, even for players that have been here for ages.
VITAL STATS
- Gender - Male is not one of the desired options. Tom or She-cat are the expected answers.
IMPORTANT DATES
- Date Format - The format needs to be Moon of OOOO (XXXX), replacing OOOO with the moon name and XXXX with the year.
PERSONALITY
- the majority of what he did as a kit was lay about (and that also applied to his apprenticeship, though to a lesser degree). Despite his brothers’ irritable encouragements, he was content to just throw himself over a warm surface and nap. - This is historical information, rather than appropriate information for the personality section. It should be either removed or worked into the history field. Personality should record his current self, not his past self.
- he’s a curiously lazy tomcat - This is a powerplay. Powerplaying is specifically forbidden in our General Rules
- it’s given him a bit of fat, particularly about the stomach, which he can’t seem to get rid of - I consulted Blackheart on the reaction of Doublestar and Blackstar over the ages about his being chubby. The statement he gave me was "WindClan is in the midst of a phase where we may end up having very few cats. Given they live in the territory with likely the scarcest food and are soon to have two queens with six kits between them, it is unlikely they could allow, or even have the ability, to support an overweight cat. Especially since WindClanners have to be fast to catch their food primary food source. It would be impossible for him to really even contribute to the Clan and would likely end with a very quick choice of get in shape and be useful or leave."
- Laziness & a Warriors Name - Due to the fact that a Warriors name is not a right, but a privilege, I have strong doubts that a cat who's shown nothing but sloth his entire life would have been granted a warriors name, regardless of circumstances.
- a curious vigor to him when he does do things, such as hunt & He’s a bit of a glutton, though does do his part - This was well addressed in Blackstar's above response, the section concerning the type of prey in WindClan and the level of physical prowess required to capture it. Giving characters flaws and then negating all negative effects of the flaw is something we work hard to avoid, as it flattens characters.
- It makes him seem a bit dumb - This is a power play because it declares how others must perceive your character, thus controlling their characters.
- He’s the kind of cat you either love, or hate. He’s also extremely friendly, even to cats he doesn’t know at all. If he makes an effort to talk to you, don’t be perturbed; that’s just his way. - Borderline power play, in addition to being overly conversational. You shouldn't be giving other players tips on how to interpret your character in your sheet.
APPEARANCE
- The first thing you might notice - Powerplay.
- he’s surprisingly small - In addition to there powerplay created by the word surpirsiingly, there is also an extremely heavy restriction on cats of abnormal size. You currently do not qualify for anything with an extremely heavy restriction.
- Also curious about him is the little bulge of fat at his belly, which most Clan cats never see - See above statements about fat clan cats.
- His mother, when he was born, was supposed to have four kits, but ended up with two, as the other two were stillborn due to difficulties. - As the ammount of kits being know ahead of time I have to mention that there is no way for clan cats to tell how many kits are to be born. Also, not only is 2 an average sized litter, but stillborn kits are no unusual. CoSC takes pains to emphansize the harsh life Clan Cats lead, rather than sugarcoat it as the books do.
- the fat on his belly, and it stays there, whether or not there’s a surplus of food around or not. - Please explain how? When there is no excess food, or a lack of it, his body should be burning this reserve. It should have vanished pretty much as soon as he was sent into the active life of an apprentice.
- His limbs are small and look fragile - Powerplay, as it gives and interpretation of how the legs look rather than just describing them.
- His fur is a dusty ginger, lined with the darker ginger and white markings of a tabby. - Tabby markings do not include any white. Please clarify your meaning.
- The tip of his long, flexible tail is white - White tipped tails are subject to a General Restriction, and you do not yet qualify for such a trait.
HISTORY
- She had no mate to support her; her mate, Pinetap, had been killed - This is an unusual statement, due to the fact that mates are not official in CoSC. The clan is responsible for supporting the queen. Consult Mates and Mating for full details.
- It took them both fourteen moons to earn their warrior names; Saffronpaw could have gotten his much sooner, due to the amount he worked at it, but he refused if his brother could not be given the name with him. He was both stubborn and determined, and made Spicepaw work and work until the Clan found him fit to be a warrior. - I ended up turning to Blackheart again, for comments on Doublestar's opinion of the matter. His statement was that Doublestar might have held off Saffronpaw's ceremony briefly, but would not have found such a slothful cat fit for a warriors' name.
- after an assessment that proved he was ready to become a warrior (which Saffronpaw pushed and pushed at him to complete, and complete well) - No cats would be permitted to participate and aid Spicepaw during his assessments, particularaly during his final test to prove he was ready to become a warrior.
- And thus, he is as he is now. Still lazy, still with that little bulge of fat, but with a full warrior’s name. - As stated through this whole application, the chances of an indolent, slothful, all-around slacker earning the right to his warrior name are so slim... He does the bare minimum, and indications seem to be that his work quality and work ethic are not those that would be expected of a full Warrior.
FAMILY MEMBERS
- Inclusion of (deceased) - This does not need to be included, and should not. You'll be going back later and creating NPC sheets for the parents, which will be able to be marked deceased without making it harder to keep the used-names listings correct.
- Saffronhound - I have two issues with the name. Firstly, the word Saffron. Saffron does not grow in North America, where the CoSC forest is set. In fact, Saffron is incapable of reproducing without human help. Simply put, they wouldn't be familiar with the herb. And finally, the name hound is simply, incredibly awkward applied to a cat. Without explanation (at least in the notes, since this isn't his sheet) as to the origin of such a bizarre name.
NOTES REPLY
- I would not suggest playing your own character's brother, as RPing with yourself is frowned upon here. You would be better off creating an NPC Sheet and offering him up in the Family Affairs forum for another to adopt. Though if you do this, I recommend leaving him unnamed, as it leaves more room for another player to just offer to have their character be your character's sibling. You might even pick up a player who's already in the name who might be willing to have your character become a part of their family, or another new player who's looking for a nice place to start that will promote RP opportunities.
You've got a solid start. This list might seem long, but it isn't. Most of what you've got here are fairly easy to fix, common errors for first timers. CoSC isn't like other games, and in accordance there is a bit of a learning curve as you go through our character approvals process.
If you have any questions, just drop me a line.
Kitsufox Fox's Den 17:59, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 5 December 2008
PERSONALITY
- is an almost dreamy tomcat - There is just something about the almost in this sentence that bothers me. He either is or isn't. This almost stuff seems to take away from the trait as a whole, suggesting it's not truly a trait.
- It’s like he is antisocial - Is or isn't ;) call it.
- Sometimes he’s rather childish in his demeanor and how he acts sometimes - Something is at both the beginning and the end of that sentence.
APPEARANCE
- lined with the darker ginger and white markings of a tabby cat (2ND INCLUDE) - White markings are not a part of the tabby description. If the cat is a bi-color, please describe it in a way that does not suggest that character does not have white stripes.
- It isn’t messy or dirty, but not particularly groomed to appear sleek and shiny. - This establishes a firm precedent that you would be expected to play. The contents of your sheet are considered the facts about your character. Perhaps including the state of the fur would be something to save for your descriptions in posting, rather than hardwiring your character to always be at a certain state of cleanlyness. Or change the wording into an indication of what her efforts are where if fur is concerned.
HISTORY
- It took Spicepaw fourteen moons to earn his warrior name. - As this is an exceptionally long time for a cat to be an apprentice, you'll need to explain the circumstances of an apprenticeship more than double the standard length.
Kitsufox Fox's Den 03:43, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
Check Results - 6 December 2008
Home stretch. Down to the final nitpicks and details.
PERSONALITY
- Sometimes he’s rather childish in his demeanor and how he acts sometimes, however, and doesn’t take the things he’s supposed to be taking seriously, seriously. - This sentence borders on incomprehensible just on wording alone. To the point where I can't really tell if the powerplay I think might be in their really is. So I'm gonna ask you to clean up the wording a bit, or maybe split it into two sentences to increase readability.
HISTORY
- It took Spicepaw nine moons to earn his warrior name. - 9 isn't as bad as 14, but I'd love to see more of the WHY it took him so long. Usually there's a good reason a cat takes extra time, and I'd love to know what he really had trouble with (While he's not much of a fighter, the aptitude for hunting would have made up for it... See Mentoring - Evaluations)
See, just final details ;) You're almost there.