Splashflower/1

Decline #1: Check Results for 10 December 2011

Greetings and welcome to your first go-round in our applications department. Please note that most characters end up going thru around 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. Do not feel discouraged by this as it's perfectly ordinary and a part of the process of a new user learning the ropes at CoSC. We have a lot of views that are unlike many games, and a number of rules interpretations that are different than what is typical. In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations will be clearly marked). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.

PERSONALITY

• Splashflower is very loyal when it comes to her clan. She would fight until the end for her clanmates and would be the first to defend her clan, in her opinion. - Very mild powerplay. Very very mild, in fact. The only that really makes it a powerplay is that, while your opinion of loyalty (willingness to fight for your clan) isn't some defacto, perfect definition of loyalty. I think just a little tweak to the section to include an indication that wiliness to die is her definition of loyalty, or only part of a greater and more complex definition of loyalty should do the trick.
• When it comes to her friendships, Splashflower is a bit wishy-washy. If she thinks becoming friends with one cat over another would benefit her, she will make that decision. - Don't take this bit as a demand for change. It's just me pointing out a line that toes the line of powerplay. It's not quite one, but it's not quite not one. You don't need to change it, but I figured I'd point it out this round.

APPEARANCE

• a brown tabby - Another comment, rather than a request for change. So that you know I've noted this. Because you qualify for an abnormal trait, I'm taking the brown here to mean a chocolate gened cat (something I tend not to do in clans, but given the gene is appropriately rare right now, and you've met the length requirements for excessive abnormality, I'm letting it slide and letting you dodge the ban on black bases, which is what most brown tabbies really are). So, this comment is a pat on the back for doing a good job.
• Build - Please clarify her build a bit. I'm not completely sure right now if you mean a common build or a semi-forign.

HISTORY

• their father . . . passed away . . . Flowerpaw, Crowpaw, and Frostednight were devastated. & their mother died . . . the two were shattered once again. - I figure I should point you at this in response to these two sections. The words "devastated" and "shattered" are both really strong (I initially forgave it in the first one, because it was an unexpected death, and the whole getting over it fairly quickly seemed implied). Cats who dwell over death and are deeply, traumatically (what both words used imply) effected by it. Particularly given the recent issues ThunderClan has had with Lostgaze, the clan would be pretty... well... harsh about such things. So... This is a suggestion of change, not a demand. If you end up wanting to leave this language in, just keep in mind that it will deeply effect and color how the clan views them both.
• their mother died. She passed away due to greencough - Just making sure you've seen the CoSC Complaint Guide's entry on Greencough. You don't indicate the parents ages, so you might wish to clarify that she was rather old if you want to stick with a greencough death.
• They started bickering more than usual, and soon the arguments grew. THey showed no respect for each other. it was as if something had snapped in between them when they lost their mother. - Fair warning, this would have them on Bloodstar's shit-list, and probably Fiercestorm's too (though I don't play fierce, so my word is a guess for him rather than law).

FAMILY MEMBERS: Crowfrost - Since he's alive, I'd like to see you address in the player's notes how you plan to deal with him (IE: Create an NPC sheet and try and adopt him out?). You would loose a major opportunity for RP if you intend to keep him, so I really recommend trying to find a player (and creating a plan-B in case you never find a player and have to kill him off).

All and all a really great effort. Most of what I saw is comments rather than request for change (I like to make sure that you know what you're getting into with what your putting in your sheet, to avoid unpleasant surprises for our new friends). If you have any questions I welcome you to PM me. Otherwise I think this sheet has the potential to be approved next time through.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:00, 10 December 2011 (CST)