Thornpetal
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 17 August 2009
PERSONALITY
- Length - This is probably going to be the first game you've ever heard something like this, but the length of your character's personality is excessive. Character sheets aren't novella (specifically not the personality and appearance sections, detail is more acceptable in history), they're a reference tool so that the players of other characters can work out what their characters know about yours when RPing together. At the very least, I'd like to see a breif overview of her personality.
- Thornpetal is a flirt through and through - Powerplay. flitiness is subjective. I know you do go on to describe individual traits you think lead to this impression, but due to the next two items it doesn't cancel the powerplay.
- She inherited her mother’s good looks - Powerplay. What is and isn't attractive is subjective.
- She ... always took after her father’s charm - Charming is another subjective item, so it's another powerplay.
- Along with her pride comes a balancing air of intelligence. - Powerplay. You cannot force people to view your character as having an 'air of intelligence'.
- She’s keen to pick out tiny detail, using every experience in her life to gain the upper hand when on and off the battlefield. In reality, she can be quite logical and good at thinking things through. - What's the purpose of the 'in reality'? Does it mean that the previous statement is in fantasy? I'm just not how I'm supposed to interpret that, so it needs to be clarified.
- she is quite adept at strategizing - Adept strategy is subjective (IE: To a stellar and experienced strategist she might seem a mere amateur, while to a cat with little natural talent on this front might consider her skills amazing). And as she's not a Senior Warrior or in any position of authority, she'd have never been given the opportunity to show it. She would have been very young (Kit and Apprentice, acctually) when the war was on, and in accordance would have never had a chance to prove or even test her abilities in this.
- she is quite adept at strategizing & Sometimes, she tends to be a bit elaborate in her schemes, or suddenly act upon a whim and go with a whole other approach depending on more personal matters - These two statements seem to contradict one another. Typically good strategy does not involve changing plans on a whim or engaging in overcomplicated maneuvers.
- like many tight spots, Thornpetal normally seems to piece everything together and pull through. - This is one part powerplay and another part violation of ICA=ICC. It created a precedent that says she can get out of things, even when she shouldn't be able to, and in doing so violates 2 of our General Rules.
- Even though she may have a relatively pessimistic view on life, she is not a pessimistic she-cat. - Contradicts itself. If she views life in a pessimistic manner, that would be the pretty much be the textbook definition of being a pessimist.
- Entire second paragraph - It's a mess of contradiction and escapism. Not one aspect of her personality is laid out without some sort of cop-out way to avoiding being effected by ICA=ICC by it. "Flaky" is the only impression clearly given. She's all over the board without any truly firm aspects. You're going to need to really settle in and select one personality. Right now she's practically bipolar.
- One thing it would be wise not to do - Powerplay. Leave conclusions to the reader.
- She can be a bit on the serious side, but she uses it mostly to make an image for herself and get the respect that goes along with that image. - Being serious does not equal having respect, and the implication that the two are linked is given here and used to create a mild powerplay.
- Earning her respect ... is well worth the effort - Powerplay.
- Not to be confused with the tender heart of a softie or anything like that - If another character views her as soft they may, you cannot control that.
- in the end you know you can count on her loyalty - Powerplay, as it tells players what their characters must know about yours.
APPEARANCE
- Her legs, ever lean and powerful, are long, giving her an elegant look when she puts her body in motion. - Powerplay, because you force players to view her oriental build as 'elegant'.
- Equally light claws are almost camouflaged under pink paw pads. - Claws are not located below the paw pads and could not be camouflaged by them because they come from a furry part of the foot, rather than the sole or pad.
- where the pigmentation changes from dark and stormy, to calm and serene - Mild powerplay.
- her underbelly ... is the color of an off white ivory - I have to intrept this as 'not dirt' creating this color due to the way it's worded. A non-dilute cat cannot have dilute (Cream) patches.
- Subtle yet intense - Powerplay.
- optics - A cat does not have Optics.
- her eyes are serious with a determined gaze lodged in the confines of her soul. Only when confronted with Death, does her eyes betray a deeper emotion, something she fears to reveal. - As you are expected to play what's on your character sheet she would be incapable of ever wearing another expression. Save such things for role play ;) (Though take care to describe what a player might choose to have their character notice, rather than forcing them to see the expression in a certain way).
- she is larger than most of her gender - Cats of abnormally large size are currently under heavy restriction and thus you are not yet eligible for such a thing. Also, we don't permit statements like this 'larger than most of her gender' unless you can acctually prove that the statement is true.
- Lean muscles flow beneath her pelt, creating a smooth, sublime look - Powerplay.
- her powerful and considerable intimidating figure - Powerplay. Forces others to view her as powerful and intimidating.
- Long hours of training as a young apprentice helped shape who she is today, with little regrets on how she turned out. - Historical information, rather than information.
- She is graceful and flowing when she walks, but can become frighteningly threatening when rushing into combat. - Has a number of powerplays.
HISTORY
- She was a lonely kit growing up, and spent long hours of the day trying to entertain herself. - I know that according to the 'by age' list it shows her alone, but that list only shows characters who are currently alive. If you look at Events of her Birth Moon and the moons surrounding it, you'll notice a number of cats would have been denmates to her. (I should really make an age list that shows everyone including the dead...)
- she was often rewarded the last hours of sunlight off - Why would she be given the best fishing times of the day off? Fish are more likly to come into the shallows when they begin to cool.
- Her devotion to Starclan did not go unnoticed and her hard work was eventually rewarded. - This is all that's said on this subject.
NOTES
- Thornpetal a very religious individual; a born and raised believer of Starclan. - This is the 'default' of a clan cat. Kittens have the Code's ideals drilled into them from a very young age.
- the threat and possibility of going to...a darker place - CoSC has been around for 3 years. When we started the Place of No Stars was not yet written of and myself and the (then) other Administrator decided that a 'hell' was completely non-canon. There is no darker place for clanners to go. Even cats well known as killers and lunatics like Fiercestar or ThunderClan are well known as members of StarClan.
- This might seem like a ton of stuff, but when you consider she was written for another game, with the expectations of the fandom-at-large (I can't believe the powerplaying that goes on in character sheets in this fandom) in mind rather than my rather stricter ones. If you have any questions about anything I've brought up, just drop me a PM.
Check Results - 20 August 2009
PERSONALITY
- has a flirtatious side of her - The edit is still a powerplay, as you leave no choice in how to interpret the trait (IE: Players are forced to think of it as being flirtatious, rather than amorous or shameless or some other variation on the theme as they should be able to)
- using every experience in her life to gain the upper hand when in and out of combat, play or fight. - Still powerplay-ish, as it implies that she always gains the upper hand, rather than is just attempting to.
- she has a temper - Powerplay, as you leave no space for any interpretation of the trait in any other way.
- Thornpetal can have a strong sense of right and wrong, someone just needs to know how to reach it. - I'm not exactly sure how to take this line. Her personal sense of right and wrong is already completely and utterly displayed in her day to day life. Why would someone need to reach it when it's already actively in use? Clarify, please.
APPEARANCE
- coat is ... beautiful - Powerplay.
- Thornpetal's eyes are the color of the sea after a storm, ovular, and sporting a blue green color. - This sentence is just a little weird because it repeats itself on the subject of the shade of her eyes.
- she is surprisingly fit and well muscled - Powerplay, as you dictate that others must be surprised by her level of fitness.
HISTORY
- spent long hours of the day playing with her denmate Rosekit, who rose to become Roseleaf - I'm just going to mention this briefly to make sure you know that this sort of thing can be considered a powerplay unless the player contacts me with a statement of agreement to the inclusion in your history as a friend. Since I'm technically the player, however ;) I'll grant the permission.
- Siltstep - Please either commit to having the name in the profile or drop it completely. Seeing as he's not exactly a major part of her life in a way beyond that of a common mentor, it's not necessary to include a name.
- Normally she can be found out and about, though she finds herself having less and less time to hunt to support her kin since she is too occupied with her other duties. - What other duties? Hunt, Patrol, and be Camp Sentinel are the 3 main duties of the warrior...
You've got a good level of improvement. Keep up the good work.