Valiant
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 30 August 2009
PERSONALITY
- a soft-spoken she-cat - mild powerplay.
- She is patient and cares well for the kits in her care while treating those she was taught were of lower class with the same compassion and patience as she does the kits. - There is a mild sense of powerplay to this sentence (ie: no room for interpretation, as what is taking good care of a kitten is extremely subjective). The sentence is also rather clunky and difficult to read, so you might wish to consider breaking it up and rewording it.
APPEARANCE
- fur is a rich brown & Her black stripes - Cats with brown fur are not in possession of black stripes. Right now the description is unclear in the sense of chocolate-based tabby vs black-based tabby, and the wordings will have to clarify to produce a clearer indication of the correct genetic reference that is being made. While not an in effect policy yet, check out the Sdesc Guidelines.
HISTORY
- Addition of another Kingdom - We need to chat about a few things. We shall meet online and hash a few things before I go anywhere serious with the history. The In-game effects have to be worked out.
NPC Names
- Titles in Character Names - When listing names, drop titles, as they wouldn't be a part of the name being removed from usability.
Check Results - 4 September 2009
I see no reason why this won't be the final round of approvals this one goes through.
PERSONALITY: She would defends those in need, and those she calls her own, should to arise. - This sentence needs an edit.
FAMILY INFORMATION: Excessive named family - There is really an excessive number of named family members, seeing as pretty much none of them really plays any sort of major roll. Since they're placed so far away they won't be adoptable.