Zane

Check Results - 21 April 2010

Name History: Format - Please format within the conventions we have all come to expect. There's a link describing them in the editing form, but the short version is bulleted list rather than conversational paragraph.

PERSONALITY

• Zane is considered to be quite the ladies tom when he wants to be - Powerplay. This basically forces others to think he's a player whenever he wants to be seen that way.
• But unfortunately since he lost Klanin he has become more silent and mysterious than he used to be. - This contradicts earlier statements about his boldness, and is a powerplay (it doesn't leave room for players to interpret his quietness as sullenness or the myriad of other things such behavior could be taken as, like unfriendliness).
• his mother was always telling him that if he ever ended up on the streets he would be one of the rare kittypets that wouldn't mind at all - Why would his mother use a word that is of clan origin and she would not even know unless she had heavy dealings with Clanners?

APPEARANCE

• He has a white line that encircles his throat and fades away to a lighter black at the nape of his neck. - I've never come across a marking anything like this. You're familiar with the drill of "Show me pictures, the website they came from, and provide information on the genetics if applicable". I do have to point out that "light black" is gray. Gray is dilute. Black is not. A cat can only be one or the other.
• Zanes paws are white but not as bright as the ring around his neck. - Please clarify is this is due to dirt or natural coloration.
• Since he is constantly outdoors, Zanes coat is always slightly rufed up - Please clarify what you mean by "rufed up". Also, perhaps spell roughed correctly? Unless you meant "rufed" as in "The dog ruffed at the cat"? ;)
• But when he does chose to clean up, his fur is as coal black as the night sky and gleams. - The coat he does not take care of looks flawless when he bothers to clean himself up? But what about the natural wear and tear such non-matainance would cause? A wash wouldn't make him gleam. It would just get the grease and dirt out of a coat that would be dull and dry from ill care.
• Zane's fur is short except for the exception of his tail which is more longhaired than the rest of his pelt - A cat can't be shorthaired and longhaired simultaneously. I'm thinking your'e trying to describe a cat with fur of medium length, but I'll have to ask you to clarify.

HISTORY

• Zane was born in a little house in the forest during new-leaf. - Please clarify the location. As there's no houses in the forest on our map and we assume large open fields nearby it is necessary.
• Klanin was a sleek, gray rouge that lived in the back forest. - Rouge is a clan cat specific term. Please use language indicative of words she would have used to describe himself rather than a word that would have been used (insultingly) at her by clanners.
• Reaching the thunderpath that ran through the woods Zane could smell Klanin’s scent over the stench of the thunderpath. There weren’t many monsters at the time - More inappropriately clanish language appearing in a non-clan bio.
• Zane suddenly heard howling behind them. The dogs from the farm house had followed him! - This is just a note about hunting hounds, which are what I believe you're describing: When they hunt they "give cry" or "voice". They would bay constantly. They're intentionally bred to be vocal when excited so that they're easier for humans to follow.
• In the time that Zane had crossed until now the monsters has multiplies. - Clan lingo in a sentence that's a touch garbled. It wants an edit for clarity.
• a lull in the monster’s herd & noticed a lot of monsters bearing - Clan lingo.
• Zane buried his friend under a bush in there favorite part of the forest - This might seem a callous question, but why bury him? It's not natural cat, or even animal, instinct to do so. Clanners do it because of tradition. I suggest addressing why Zane decided on that course of action.
• Zane lives in the forest and is quite happy - Please clarify where he's living. The area around Whitehart is primarily farmland save the ThunderClan woods and the Tallpines woodlot (which has hounds living there, so I doubt Zane would find that appealing).
• He tries to make friends with the Clans that inhabit the forest whenever he can, and enjoys himself exploring the woods and Whiteheart. - I urge you to back the timing off and RP his arrival if you want major interaction with the clans. An outsider on their borders or in their territory is a BIG deal.

FAMILY MEMBERS: Full-Blooded Siblings: Danica(sister), Selphi(sister), Trinisha(sister) - I really suggest leaving them un-named. It will make adopting them out that much simpler.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:42, 21 April 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 24 April 2010

Name History: Nickname: Z, called this by Klanin only - I can't honestly consider that a nickname that belongs to him. It's a nickname he had for him. Not a nickname that was actually his. I'm not sure If I made any sense... But because it's used only by one cat it isn't exactly significant, is it?

Appearance

• Zanes paws are white but not as bright as the mark on his neck his neck, which is just part of his coloring. - White that is not bright is either a beige or a cream. Such colors are dilute. As Zane is a black cat his coat cannot contain dilute colors. (And if he was gray he would be calico, which is unusual in toms).

History

• The dogs from the farm house had followed him! He couldn't fathom why they had been quiet for so long, but he didn't want to stay around long enough to ask for their reasoning. - I'm going to say it again. Hounds on the hunt give cry. For these dogs to have followed at such a distance they're clearly not normal common dogs. They're clearly trained, practiced hunting dogs. When they found the scent they'd follow they'd start baying. They're wired that way. I've seen trained hounds give voice over 3 day old squirrel smells (And you should HEAR the ruckus a trio of bearhounds will make over a scrap of bearhide). Hounds actively hunting cats would not be quiet creatures.
• Jumping, he cleared the remaining distance to the ditch on the other side. As he rolled back onto his paws, Zane turned to laugh at the dogs that had been left behind in the shadow of the car's lights. As he did, he noticed that Klanin wasn’t with him, and that was when he saw the still form laying on the road. Zane put his own life at risk to run back out and drag his friend’s body from the hard black path. By the time he reached the safety of the grass, he realized there was nothing he could do for Klanin. His gray head was covered in blood and his breathing was shallow.He had been nicked in the head by one of the cars. Zane stayed with him the rest of the night until Klanin drew his last breath and died looking into Zane’s eyes. - Why wouldn't the dogs just follow after the cars passed? Why did Zane have time to even stop and tease. Hounds are intense. They drive prey to "ground" or "tree" and wait for their hunters. Who'll pretty much have to drag them away and convince them to stop hunting.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:41, 24 April 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 26 April 2010

Family Members: Sire Falcon - The name falcon is currently being used on a new character submission, so the sire's name will need to be changed.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:17, 26 April 2010 (CDT)

Fix Request - 5 May 2010

This came up when I was doing the check, and I don't feel it's an issue that should result in a decline, but it does need fixing. Please do so.

Personality: Adventure and excitement seem to run in his vains - Vains isn't a word.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 11:27, 5 May 2010 (CDT)

Request to Redeem

I would love to keep this fantastic cat please :) He's my boy haha I know I have been inactive for FAR too long, however a lot of very exciting things have been happening in my life. I graduated college, got married, and moved to Spokane. On top of all of that I also adopted a beautiful cat of my own and a little siberian husky pup, so between the two my life has been crazy! I look froward to jumping back into things and submerging myself into the world of COC once again :) (Repetition again, yay!)