A Paw In Each World
From Children of StarClan
28 January 2010
Since there is now a decision on the matter of inter-GreatClan breeding I think it's overdue that we resume work on this story. It's got a lot of potential to become a stellar legend for the site and I look forward to seeing it completed.
- crossbreeding with cats of other Clans was not considered the best choice for having kits - Perhaps include more explanation, talking of dead and deformed kits born the few who had dared to try it.
- a lion-tiger hybrid - Maybe substituting clannier words could make this feel more... themed, I guess.
- Even his mother, a patient and experienced queen, could not change his dishonorable ways - I think more is needed after this ;) Maybe something to stress not only his mother's exasperation, but his disrespect and refusal to change no matter who speaks to him. I do like that he's much nastier in this version. He's finally starting to feel like his was born inherently broken due to his mixed blood.
- Avaru was exhausted in a way he had never been before when he trained with Brevi - I think this might benefit from a broader comparison. Perhaps a phrase like "before when he trained with any other cat" might be more powerful and evoke the idea of Gnarus' strength even more strongly.
- No one is sure how this was such a big deal to him, - Discussing the idea of his shame at being unable to contribute to the next generation, a duty that Warriors feel is very important as kits are the future of any clan, might make it a little more intense. Most cats would fear the idea of being considered worthy of something (fatherhood) and then falling short (being unable to sire kits). Having him last out in his shame would be just as good an explanation. Giving him just enough reason for it to keep it from being something that feels completely random.
It's really starting to get there. I don't see more than another revision or two being needed before it's ready for publishing.