Cometsky/Honeyfrost
From Children of StarClan
Welcome to CoSC! and Congratulations on your first character submission. Please understand that, due to our somewhat different take on the warriors world and the concept of power playing, this list might seem long. We hope that you will bear with the learning curve that exists and look forward to seeing you In Character. If you have any questions about this decline, please drop Kitsufox a PM.
IMPORTANT DATES: Apprenticed: Moon of Killingcough (2007) - The system requires that all players use the same wordings in Moon names. You must include the word 'the' between of and killingcough.
PERSONALITY
- Honeyfrost is a distrusting and rude cat, to put it simply - Because no room is left for other players to interpret the given traits this sentence is a power play. This is because it forces all characters to see her in a certain light and takes away the rights of other players to view your character through their character's eyes.
- Unless it's absolutely necessary, she perfers not to speak with other cats or spend time with them - This is a very weird choice of characters to pick to bring into a game that revolves around social interaction. Specifically as a new player it will be difficult to find any players willing to bend over backwards as would be necessary to engage in social interactions with this cat.
- One thing that no cat doubts about her, however, is her fierce loyalty - Another powerplay. It takes away the right of other characters to doubt your character.
- a distrusting and rude cat, she perfers not to speak with other cats or spend time with them & One thing that no cat doubts about her, however, is her fierce loyalty - These sentences contradict one another. Why would one think a rude cat who does not trust and avoids interacting with her clanmates to be faultlessly loyal? If anything her personality opens her up to be completely and utterly distrusted and suspected as a traitor.
- Or perhaps she does like the cats in her Clan a little...? - If even you as the writer does not know then it shouldn't be in the personality, which is intended to contain facts and let other players know and understand your character and how their character would view yours. Above this sentence there is not a single word (aside from the seeminly random declaration of her loyalty) that supports your character liking or caring about her clan in any way.
APPEARANCE
- Honeyfrost is, for WindClan, a tallish cat, not remarkably so but taller than most cats her age - At 15 moons she would be fully grown. So 'taller than average' would be for all grown cats, not just those "her age". Additionally, if it's not remarkable why bother remarking on it?
- a pale honey-golden pelt with slightly more ginger - I'm not sure how I should take this sentence, so please clarify it.
HISTORY
- About two moons into Honeypaw's training, she completely disappeared, believed to have been murdered - By whom? Getting killed and being murdered are things different context in the warriors world. IE: Foxes don't murder cats, they kill them.
- When looked for, an incredibly disguised scent was found, as if the killer rolling in fox dung. It was definitely feline, and had no noticeable Clan scent. This had made sense to Honeypaw; what fox or badger would care enough to disguise their scent, and what warrior in any of the Clans had anything against her mother? - You are creating an incredibly significant event that cannot just appear out of nowhere. It changes game history too significantly to be permitted. In a clan that's already suffering desperate losses the disappearance of a healthy warrior would have been devastating.
- At first that meant not trusting those outside the Clans; that quickly changed to those outside her Clan. - The two haves the sentence say the same thing, though I don't grasp where their would be change. Since her first moments with open ears the cats around her would have been reinforcing the idea that WindClan=Good and All Others=Bad. Clanners live very clan-centric lives. My Clan is Good. Other clans are less good. Not Clan is terrible.
- She soon began to wonder... What if, under all that foxdung, there was a scent of her own Clan? A scent too faint under it to notice? Or maybe the others had noticed, but were too ashamed to admit? Or maybe they were in on it? With no body, they had no information left of whom could possibly have killed her. - This very much reinforces the idea that she is not a loyal member of the clan. Doubt does not come from those loyal. Suspicion without evidence is the mark of a cat ready to betray her own.
- It wasn't long before she took her warrior name, Honeyfrost, in the Moon Tiger's Wrath. With a cold and spiteful nature, it didn't take a genius to work out why she had such a name. With no friends - Why was a friendless, withdrawn cat granted a privilege like a warrior name? Frankly a cat so withdrawn she's not functioning in clan society is not the sort of cat one would grant a privilege like that to.
- She soon was acting like she was deputy - Delusions of grandeur would not have helped her case. I have trouble seeing her being found acceptable in any way by her clan.
SIRE: Fury - The bans list specifically bans cats carrying blood from outside the clans.
RECOMMENDATION: I would like to strongly urge you to select a less difficult-to-play character with which to wet your feet and get used to the ways of CoSC. This character will not be one that permits you chances to get to know other players, and frankly will require IC Plotting to make work. She will have the ire and the distrust of many of her clanmates, who would be likely to see her as a potential traitor.
As always, send any questions my way.