Cloudwatcher/Archive 1

Check Results - 22 July 2010

Welcome to CoSC and congratulations on your first character submission! I'm Kitsufox, administrator and chief of character approvals. Please understand that, as we have a view of the warriors world that differs from other games and standards no other game seems to share, a few rounds of declien and editing are to be expected. If you run into any questions about the decline feel free to drop me a PM to discuss it.

NAME HISTORY: Format - Please insert break tags or bullet points to keep things clearer (See Name History Help for a better explanation.

PERSONALITY

• Cloudwatcher is a shy, sensitive tom - Powerplay. Please describe what you feel gives these impressions rather than forcing others to interpret him in a certain why instead of based on the way their character thinks. I have a WindClan character who wouldn't see him as Shy or Sensitive. He'd see him as a lazy, distractible waste of prey.
• He spends most of his time sky-gazing. - Fair warning on how this use of his time would have him viewed by his clan; They're not going to take kindly to such uses of his time. There is very little free time, so if he's using most of his time to sky-watch, then he's doing it on patrols and the like.
• He is brave and courageous. - Powerplay. Describe why you think he's that way rather than just forcing others to view him that way. I've seen nothing in his personality to support any courage in him at all.
• occasionally looses things - What things? Clan cats don't own things... and loosing prey would not be... tolerated or received well.
• He is loyal and trustworthy - Powerplay. I've said it twice already so I won't explain how to deal with it again. Also... Trustwrothy how? I thought he was forgetful? Wouldn't that mean he's likely to forget responsibilities and requests for candor.
• He is kind, friendly, bubbly, and caring. - Powerplay. Also, what happened to him being shy?
• Overall - You have described a character who not only would not be taken seriously as a warrior, but would have been forcibly retired to the Elder's den as insane to protect others from his negligence and distractedness.

APPEARANCE

• puffs out like a cloud - Clarify, please. Static and suchlike is unusual... and I have get to meet a non-housepet cat who retains a fine enough coat to even collect it.

HISTORY

• Cloudwatcher, or then known as Cloudkit, spent most of his time alone. This was when he began talking to himself. He began to wrestle with imaginary opponents when nobody else would do it with him. - You would need permission from the players of Ashcloud (2 Moons Older), Honeycloud (4 Moons Older), Falcondash & Stonestrike (4 Moons Younger), and Rowanbough (5 Moons Younger) to have shunned him. You are not permitted to force actions onto others in your history and powerplay them into having mistreated him so.
• Cloudkit, who just turned six moons, just became an apprentice with a couple other cats. His sister, Smokekit, became Smokepaw. - According to the game canon (HERE) no cats beyond him and his sister would have been apprenticed that moon.
• Cloudpaw and the other apprentices were no longer friends. - Powerplay. You don't get to decide if they would have started disliking him over that.
• It is unknown how his sister died - You'll still have to let it be known what happened, even if it's not known to the clan itself.
• Cloudpaw received the name of Cloudwatcher - Why would Blackstar have commemorated the way he wasted time when he should have been working?
• He spends most of his time hunting and patrolling the borders - This conflicts with his personality in which he spends most of his time sky-gazing.
• One time, on a border patrol, he thought he scented a badger and went to investigate. He follow the scent for a quarter of the day and found an abandoned badger set. He decided to keep what he found to himself and not tell anybody. - This would have placed him well outside the territory, which can be traversed in a single patrol (around 4 hours-ish for a border patrol). This would put him something like a length and a half of the border away from his territory. Why did he leave the territory? And what happened when he returned, a half day later and a third of a day shy of when he should have been back. AND what about the cats with him. How did they take it? Border Patrols are never done Solo.
• learned how to know what the birds in the sky would do next. - Please clarify.

It's far from a bad start. Remember, any questions should be sent my way.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 12:31, 22 July 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 1 August 2010

As changes were not actually made to conform with the requested corrections no effort will be made to recheck the sheet. My opinions do not change on repeat exposure. Submitting a character sheet I've already declined only irritates me. All of the concerns listed in the 22 July 2010 Check results stand as needing corrections.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:41, 1 August 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 14 August 2010

ATTENTION: Please make all requested changes and clarifications. I didn't write the original list for fun. I wrote it to give you guidelines to get this character up to the CoSC standards. You've made insignificant changes to a sheet that needs major updates. Please do not continue to disrespect the staff of this RPG by (intentionally) ignoring the requested changes. From here on out, if you submit the same character and more than 50% of the same issues remain in place I will simply decline it. If you won't do the work, I won't do it either.

Most of the concerns given are repeats of the 22 July check results, but I have added new items.

PERSONALITY

• Cloudwatcher is a shy, sensitive tom - (3rd INCLUDE) Powerplay. Please describe what you feel gives these impressions rather than forcing others to interpret him in a certain why instead of based on the way their character thinks. I have a WindClan character who wouldn't see him as Shy or Sensitive. He'd see him as a lazy, distractible waste of prey.
• He spends most of his time sky-gazing. - (3rd INCLUDE) Fair warning on how this use of his time would have him viewed by his clan; They're not going to take kindly to such uses of his time. There is very little free time, so if he's using most of his time to sky-watch, then he's doing it on patrols and the like. Chances are it would even have interfered with his becoming a warrior at all.
• He is brave and courageous. - (3rd INCLUDE) Powerplay. Describe why you think he's that way rather than just forcing others to view him that way. I've seen nothing in his personality to support any courage in him at all.
• His imagination runs wild, like sometimes he does, and has a lot of imaginary friends to keep his company. He is quite lonely, and wishes to have a non-imaginary friend, possibly a best friend - There would be no way this as a long term behavior would remain a secret. Instead he would be labeled insane and loose all his freedoms and rights as a warrior. He would not be respected. He'd be an elder considered too insane to preform his duties.
• occasionally looses things - (3rd INCLUDE) What things? Clan cats don't have things... and loosing prey would not be... tolerated or received well.
• He is loyal and trustworthy, and can be over-protective - (3rd INCLUDE) Powerplay. I've said it twice already so I won't explain how to deal with it again. Also... Trustwrothy how? I thought he was forgetful? Wouldn't that mean he's likely to forget responsibilities and requests for candor.
• He is kind, friendly, bubbly, and caring. - (3rd INCLUDE) Powerplay. Also, what happened to him being shy?

APPEARANCE

• puffs out like a cloud - (3rd INCLUDE) Clarify, please. Static and suchlike is unusual... and I have get to meet a non-housepet cat who retains a fine enough coat to even collect it.
• His blue eyes is the color of the sky, and are almost always fixed up on the sky. His eyes appear distant, almost as though he is looking at something that really isn’t there. - Further verification of the insanity that would be cited based on his personality. This cat just isn't fit to be a warrior.

HISTORY

• Cloudwatcher, or then known as Cloudkit, spent most of his time alone. Because of his loneliness, he began talking to himself and invented friends. He began to wrestle with imaginary opponents when nobody else would do it with him. - (3rd INCLUDE) You would need permission from the players of Ashcloud (2 Moons Older), Honeycloud (4 Moons Older), Falcondash & Stonestrike (4 Moons Younger), and Rowanbough (5 Moons Younger) to have shunned him. You are not permitted to force actions onto others in your history and powerplay them into having mistreated him so.
• Cloudkit, who just turned six moons, just became an apprentice with a couple other cats. His sister, Smokekit, became Smokepaw. - (3rd INCLUDE) According to the game canon (HERE) no cats beyond him and his sister would have been apprenticed that moon.
• The other felines finally began to notice him and all together they trained. Cloudpaw was one of the quickest of the group, as well as one of the other toms. He eventually began to wrestle with the other apprentices, and actually enjoyed doing it. But still, Cloudpaw sky-gazed on top of a hill, all alone. The other apprentices finally noticed his obsession and began to tease him for it. The teasing got so bad, that they grew distant from each other, until eventually they drifted apart. Near the end of their training, Cloudpaw and the other apprentices were no longer friends. - Powerplay. You are actively controlling the players of other characters here. This is not permitted and never will be. You either need permission from everyone who had an apprentice then or you need to change the situation.
• It is unknown how his sister died - (3rd INCLUDE) You'll still have to let it be known what happened, even if it's not known to the clan itself.
• Cloudpaw received the name of Cloudwatcher - (3rd INCLUDE) Why would Blackstar have commemorated the way he wasted time when he should have been working?
• He spends most of his time hunting and patrolling the borders - (3rd INCLUDE) This conflicts with his personality in which he spends most of his time sky-gazing.
• One time, on a border patrol, he thought he scented a badger and went to investigate. He follow the scent for a quarter of the day and found an abandoned badger set. He decided to keep what he found to himself and not tell anybody. - (3rd INCLUDE) This would have placed him well outside the territory, which can be traversed in a single patrol (around 4 hours-ish for a border patrol). This would put him something like a length and a half of the border away from his territory. Why did he leave the territory? And what happened when he returned, a half day later and a third of a day shy of when he should have been back. AND what about the cats with him. How did they take it? Border Patrols are never done Solo.
• learned how to know what the birds in the sky would do next. - (3rd INCLUDE) Please clarify.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 15:56, 14 August 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 24 September 2010

PERSONALITY

• although he most of the time requesting - Weird shift in the wording that you'll want to address.
• He is overprotective of those close to him. - Powerplay.

APPEARANCE: Content - It's pretty good, and technically meets the minimum, but there are really only tiny parts of the paragraph that actually reflect on what he physically looks like. Expand a bit and add details of his appearance, please. It's a good start.

HISTORY

• Their mother had died a moon before their apprenticeship by accidentally eating deathberries. - How did she 'accidentally' eat anything... The cats don't snack on berries, and despite their medicinal value medicine cats wouldn't keep more than a meager, well secured supply of them around at any given time do to the dangers. So, due to how monumentally stupid she'd have to be, given that she's an adult and all, to accidentally eat something so deadly, I have to ask for details of the situation.
• He only trained with the other apprentices when neccessary - WindClan is one of CoSC's most tightly knit clans. Mentors regularly train their apprentices together. If he was showing this unhealthy isolationist tendency from Kithood the mentor, at Blackstar's insistance, would be discouraging her from training with the sister and urging the mentor to force the apprentice into acting like a proper part of the clan.
• His sister had been climbing a tree to practice her tree climbing, although she wasn't in ThunderClan - Climbing is not the soul forray of ThunderClan (All of the clans have forested areas), but I don't understand why it was being practiced as a Warrior skill... Tree climbing is dangerous and has no practical applications (IE: You can't hunt from trees without risking your neck)
• didn't both wondering why he had recieved that name, but could only come up with one idea - that his sister, before she died, had asked the leader if his warrior name could be that... but that was only a guess, and apprentices didn't choose what their or their kin's warrior name shall be - There are a number of questions going on here. Due to the fact that Blackstar wouldn't have even considered naming him after a behavior that serves only to further isolate himself form the clan without the suggestion of another, several questions come to mind. The first is why the apprentice would have had the audacity to suggest a name (an act that StarClan specifically attributes to the Leader in the CoSC Warriors Code) in the first place. The next that comes to mind is how a cat falling hard enough to shatter her spine would have had an opportunity to make a final request. Cats are designed and instinctually wired to land on their feet. To break her neck the fall would have been from a great height and probably involved much bouncing about in branches. Chances of her even being conscious to make a final request (given the combination of impact injuries she would have suffered) let alone coherent enough to be understood are slight. And this is before you factor in that fact that Blackstar was probably not there, and would have had to be fetched before she died to hear a final request.
• One time, on a border patrol, he thought he scented a badger or perhaps a fox... he coudln't exactly remember... and had told the border patrol that he would be right back and went to investigate. Although the scent was beginning to go stale, he was still curious. He traveled until he realized that the patrol was probably waiting for him, Cloudwatcher quickly made sure that he hadn't yet crossed the border, and made his way back to the border patrol. - Splitting up is bad patrol protocol. If something gets investigated the whole patrol would go. Particularly if a Fox or Badger, both incredibly dangerous cat killing predators, was like to be on the far end. He wouldn't have been leading the patrol, a Senior Warrior would. He wouldn't have been in charge and wouldn't have been able to make the others wait.
• It is possible that perhaps he wants to have a mate and kits someday too. - Just a note, really. At CoSC we don't acknowledge formal matehood amongst the clans. This means you don't "have a mate", you've simply "mated with" a cat. Additional, please note that he would only be entitled to whatever involvement with the kits the mother wished him to have. If she wished it she could bar him from any involvement while they're kits.
• learned how to know what birds would most likely do when a cat or any other predator tried to catch it in flight. - This line still concerns me. Mainly because the only predator likely to catch a bird in flight is another bird in flight. Such bird-on-bird confrontations would be something he would rarely see, and thus not really have had an opportunity to learn what they do to evade such predators. It has a slight air of the supernatural to it that makes me worry. You'll have to clarify this further.

OVERALL: Why - I always wonder why people make characters who are isolationists when Role Play is based entirely on social interaction. Particularly when it's your first character and you're not yet known to the populace of the game yet.

It might not feel shorter yet, but it is. You're making much better progress now, thank you. As always, any questions should be sent in my direction.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 12:50, 24 September 2010 (CDT)

Check Results - 30 September 2010

HISTORY

• His wrestled and trained with his sister as often as he could because, after all, she was his sister. He didn't entirely dislike training with the other apprentices, but decided that it was for the best and trained with them whether he wanted to or not, but sometimes he trained with any cat that he could, but not before asking if the other cat wanted to and if it was alright with his/her mentor. - You train as your mentor says you should train. Apprentices have little input in how they are trained... This section almost makes it sound like he's calling the shots, not his mentor.
• But still, Cloudpaw sky-gazed on top of a hill, almost always alone. - Apprentices don't leave camp without orders, and almost never alone when they do. How would he get away from camp and all the way to the nearest hill (A small rise topped with a tree, called Wind Hill)?

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 20:23, 30 September 2010 (CDT)