Chutzpah

Check Results - Decline #1 - 11 June 2014

Welcome back to apps. I'm sorry it's taken so darned long for me to get to this. Hopefully once I start reading it will be a quick check process.

VITALS: Something's malfunctioning - The age computation isn't showing up, but an error message isn't either. So something weird is happening… It took me a little digging, into the raw code, but through some strange comedy of technical malfunction, somehow the nickname entry ended up in the birth column… I've moved it to the correct place, and have no idea how that bug happened. I've never seen the like of it before...

APPEARANCE

• He is very large, weighing 13 lbs. - Here is where we get into the difference between cats who exist without people and gets who have access to the food and health care humanity provides. and the fact that our scale is designed for clan cats who provide for themselves without people. 13 is a pretty averaged sized cat, even though our scale defines it as 13+ pounds. Since he's not a clan guy, he can go anywhere into the weight ranges above that and be perfectly acceptable as long as he stays reasonably under world records. This isn't a demand for change, just making sure that FAQ entry reads clear enough to communicate everything (let me know if if it didn't and I'll revise).
• "His thick, long tail is often held up jauntily high like a proud plume. - Prior to here you've skirted powerplay nicely, but jauntily just wasn't backed up well enough by the surrounding text to leave no room for other interpretations.
• Ears - It seems to me like you're describing a health condition n the appears descriptions mannerisms. If it is a health condition could you include something in the notes so that staff can quickly use the sheet to look up details and what have you related to it without having to actually remember what the condition is?

PERSONALITY

• challenging a Monster to a race on a Thunderpath - Both "monster" and "thunderpath" are clanish words and not generally used outside of their communities, or communities with distinguishable ties to them.
• The large, cottony tom can virtually never back down from a challenge; his principles simply won’t allow it. - Remember that you're expected to play the sheet ;) Even if it ends your character. Anyways, You know ICA=ICC, so I don't think I need to say more than has been said. I suspect you knew exactly what you were doing. /standard courtesy warning when people hardline a character to a behavior. This is not a change demand.

HISTORY

• One such cat was Nettletongue, a former warrior who had been forced to leave the Forest when his legs were mangled beyond any medicine cat’s skill to mend. - This isn't consistent with CoSC-ness. Maybe that sort of thing happens in the books, but here (at least where the non-exceptional NPCs are concerned) cats don't leave the forest. If an MC can't heal them, they either die with the MC trying, or bear out the rest of the life as an invalid. If they're not dangerous to others, the clan keeps them. Now… If the cat had been picked up after being hit by a car or something, that's another story entirely. Clanners don't generally leave clans willingly at this game… NPC characters even less so.

Big sections are comments. And the rest is mostly nitpicks. Shouldn't take long to get him IC.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:42, 11 June 2014 (CDT)

Check Results - Decline #2 - 2 September 2014

APPEARANCE: coarsely soft to the touch, a pale pelt - Coarsely soft doesn't make a lot of sense… Coarse is the opposite of soft… So it's a nonsensical combination of words when you use soft as an adjective in this case…

HISTORY

• One such cat was Nettletongue, a former warrior who had left the Forest. He told him that his legs had been rendered next-to-useless by a "Twoleg Monster" i.e. farm machinery. - You still have an NPC clanner making the /choice/ to leave the forest. You need to clarify that he's an unwilling victim. NPC Clanners aren't permitted to take exceptional actions without good reasons. "I've been hurt" isn't a good reason by clan culture. A quick mention in the notes isn't enough. You should address it in the history as many players who want to comment on things they might know are going to stop at the history bit they're looking for and never notice the note.
• Nettletongue, [. . .] he had renamed Artic as Chutzpah, for sheer audacity. - Why would a clanner know Yiddish? Also: Why would a clanner defy every tradition they hold when it comes to names. Nicknames are almost unheard of in clan culture and only a leader has the right to give a name.
• He was less successful in mimicking the tongue of foreign animals, but that did not keep him from trying Canine, Avian (bird), rodent, and even Skunk, from a crippled one who'd been found and temporarily housed in the garage. - It looks like when you changed from him trying to speak the languages of other species you never really got the transition for the bit on the skunk. The flow is rather weird.

Just details at this point. I'll try to put a rush on this app when I see it returned.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:24, 2 September 2014 (CDT)