Smokeclaw/Archive 1
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 17 August 2009
PERSONALITY
- an aggressive ShadowClan tom - Powerplay. Please describe the traits you feel lead to the impression of aggression rather than forcing other characters to interpret your character in that fashion.
- if any cat from another territory was foolish enough to trespass on ShadowClan territory, Smokeclaw would attack them without question. - I prefer to bring up absolutes when they're made, because I want you to understand that you will be expected to acctually play your character in accordance with this statement, ICA-ICC be damned. So, you may wish to consider the wording you acctually want in your character sheet.
- He is cunning and smart - Powerplay.
APPEARANCE
- Smokeclaw has a solid, dark blue pelt - Characters with solid colored pelts that are not black or white are currently heavily restricted (black and white suffer even harsher restriction) and as a new player you are currently not eligible for such an item.
- he's rather big for a tom his age - Characters who are abnormally large or small are currently under heavy restriction also.
HISTORY
- Smokekit spent as little time possible in the nursrey, preffering to explore the camp and look outside at ShadowClan's territory & Smokekit soon became apprenticed as Smokepaw, and was very excited to finally be able to venture outside of camp - Sentences directly contradict one another.
- He was quite disapointed, however, when his first task was to clean out the elders' den! He soon grew to respect the elders and an apprentices' tasks, but that didn't mean that he enjoyed them anymore. His mentor did eventually take him out to explore ShadowClan's territory - It's traditional to take the apprentice out of camp at least to tour the borders early in the apprenticeship... this, coupled with the fact that he would have to leave camp to be able to clean the elder's den (he certainly wouldn't be permitted to just dump the old bedding in camp) makes me think this passage at least needs some attention.
- As Smokepaw became an older apprentice, he spent less and less time caring for the elders and changing bedding and more time hunting and training. - Check out our section on Mentoring. You'll notice that older apprentices are generally expected to be capable members of hunting patrols.
- Finally, Smokepaw's mentor informed him that he would be given his final assesment. Smokepaw spent the entire day hunting, and returned to camp carrying a load of prey. - While he might have suspected it was his final assessment, mentors don't do the accessing, Deputies or Leaders handle them and would not have told them it was his final one (particularaly considering they would not have known it was his final one until they had seen his skill level in action). There's also the idea that he would have spent the entire day hunting... Wouldn't he have had other duties? Why would he bring back a "Load" of prey. How much is a "load" and is that much a realistic catch even for an entire day? Why would he only be assessed on hunting before being made a warrior?
- nor did his mother mourn the cat who had sired her son. Creamwhisker took on another mate a moon after Littlenose's death - You might wish to change the wording. She never 'took Littlenose as a mate'. She mated with him. As there are no formal bonds between mates, just the bonds those cats choose to make (if any, see Mates & Mating Information) it is not necessary to be mates with a cat to mate with it. Though generally here we do require some level of bond (though it might be friendship or respect, rather than love).
- Creamwhisker took on another mate a moon after Littlenose's death, but died from the Killingcough before her second litter was born. - Why would she choose to take a mate while an epidemic was running rampant? Killingcough is incurable, with no way for Medicine Cats to control it.
- Smokeclaw and his stepfather, Ashheart - The Clan Cats do no do stepfathers. A cat might have an adoptive father, should the cat have been adopted into the litter of his mate... But Smokeclaw's mother's mate does not become his stepfather. He's still just 'mother's mate'.
FAMILY
- Other Family: Ashheart - As he plays no significant part in Smokeclaw's history and has no intended player, I really question the removal of a perfectly good name from the list of those that can be used here.
Any questions, just drop me a line.
Check Results - 19 August 2009
PERSONALITY
- He can be described as clever, but he can also be ruthless and merciless. - This still pushes hard on the edges of powerplaying, despite the wording. Go for describing what you think gives these impressions rather than just claiming things.
APPEARANCE
- Smokeclaw has a dark blue tabby pelt - I apologize, as I should have been more explicit than I was. 'blue tabby' is still considered a solid color. Non-solid is intended to refer to the presence of the White Marking Gene.
HISTORY
- five moons into his training before As Smokepaw became an older apprentice - A cat who has been an apprentice for 5 moons is an older apprentice.
- his mentor sent him on an assesment - Mentors don't preform assessments. The Leader and Deputy handle them. Mentors can do little more than suggest to the Deputy or Leader that it might be time for an assessment for the apprentice.
Check Results - 20 August 2009
APPEARANCE
- He has no markings at all. - This is incorrect according to the rest of the description.
- He also has a white back paw and a splash of white on his hindquarters. - Because of the way color happens on cats (See White Marking Gene Information) a cat with this much color would not have a random splash on the hindquarters. Usually when only small amounts of white happen it is limited to the underside of the cat (the color comes in as if pours from above onto the base of the skull and tail).
Just a few little details to iron out, and things will be good to go.