Dustwing/Archive 2

This adoption is closed. Provide a paragraph outlining why you feel you would make the best new player for this character. Easement Requirement: Easement offers will be expected to expand the character sheet so that it is current.

Offer from Timberwillow

Adoption Status: Accepted

This adoption offer is being made under eased rules.

I would like to adopt Dustwing as a temporary character to better get to know this site. Death will come when an administrator finds my roleplaying style suitable enough to adopt a kit. In the meantime I will get to know Dustwing for the snippy cat that he is. I will be active almost daily.

Your eased adoption has been accepted, as discussed. Once the character is unlocked you will proceed to editing the character sheet so that it current and meets with standards for quality. If you have any questions, let me know.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 20:19, 2 February 2011 (CST)

Profile

Ok. So I have gone through Dustwing's profile and done some minor edits and a bit of rewording. Is this what is needed? Timberwillow 11:39, 5 February 2011 (CST)

Congrats on getting through the first stage of adoption! Your character sheet is looking good, but you should expand the Personality section a bit. Dustwing's sister died many moons ago, and a cat who dwells too long on or is too affected by a clanmate's death is viewed with mistrust by the clan; death is commonplace in the forest and ThunderClan has had many deaths and births since Brightfur's time.

You are also required to update the History section. Dustwing has not featured in any major plot, but you can go through our archives and timelines if you want to refer a major event. For reference, you are required to write "At least 3 paragraphs of at least 4 sentences each, plus an additional 4 sentences per year over the age of 2"--in your case, it would be 4 paragraphs. What has Dustwing been up to? How was he affected by the events throughout his life? There are several plots which have not been compiled from forum information yet, but if you have trouble with info-gathering, PM either me or Kitsufox and we will be glad to help.  Willow  ^{The Grove} 03:02, 4 February 2011 (CST)

Additionally, you do have to submit the character to the "Check" process by changing the "N" in the "Request Check" box to a "Y". That's the only way to have an adoption formally reviewed and (if it's ready) Approved. As Willow said, any questions, just ask away.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:29, 4 February 2011 (CST)

Uh oh. I'm not sure what I did, but when I saved my work the character page looks kinda funny and stretched out. Sorry! Timberwillow 11:39, 5 February 2011 (CST)

Don't worry, I fixed it. My guess is that if you start paragraphs with several spaces/a tabulation, the page stretches because it converts it to code. In the future, start new paragraphs with a colon, as I did.  Willow  ^{The Grove} 04:35, 5 February 2011 (CST)

Another tip, so that people can identify comments as coming from you, you should sign/date them by entering ~~~~. We know our system has a bit of a learning curve ;) And you're adapting well.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 07:45, 5 February 2011 (CST)

Gotcha. What would you like me to do next? Timberwillow 22:53, 5 February 2011 (CST)

At this point you just wait for me to have a moment to read it through and make a detailed response that will outline any changes that need to be made yet. I should get through it prior to going to work today. I meant to get to it yesterday, only I ended up spending the whole day busy sort of by surprise.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:48, 6 February 2011 (CST)

Check Results - 6 February 2011

Since this is your first round being "checked" I'm going to mention a few things that are pretty common here. First off, it's very rare that a character not get declined at least once because we're very very picky including having some considerations of powerplaying that other games don't have. Secondly, most characters go through an average of 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. So, don't take the decline hard, it's perfectly normal for a character to be turned down the first time through even when it comes from experienced players.

Additionally, if you have any questions about the contents of this decline, you can drop me a PM with your question. As I go through the sheet I'll include a section and comment directly on it, and sort the comments based on what in the sheet I'm commenting on.

PERSONALITY

• But often he is shy and under spoken. - Borderline powerplay. I do suggest that you read our Powerplaying & How to Avoid It article, as we consider things powerplays that other games don't. This one's a little iffy, because it's almost as if you're talking about his opinion of himself, and it's okay to draw conclusions like this for himself, but not for other players. I recommend talking about what gives this impression rather than the impression itself.
• Dustwing has a sharp tongue and short temper - Another borderline powerplay. Basically, if you had RP you'd done to back it up, it'd be okay, but because their isn't RP to prove it as fact, I'd like to see you focus on what gives the impression rather than the impression itself.
• Anti-social Characters - I like to point this out to people who are new, as it seems to be a common thing that goes on at other games that doesn't work well here. Characters who are loners, who isolate themselves, are not only difficult to play but frequently boring as their behavior (anti-social is not considered natural in a tight-knit society like the clans) can lead to them being deemed "abnormal" and "unnatural" by others, further isolating them. This isn't a request for change, but rather a caution to warn you of a CoSC tendency.

HISTORY

• his first few months - Months are a human construct. I suggest using moons.
• When Brightfur confided to him she was expecting kits, Dustwing demanded to know who the father was. His sister refused & Brightfur died having her single stillborn kit, soon after that argument - I'd just like to bring up the fact that if she was so close to kitting that she had them "soon after", Dustwing would have had to be blind and unable to smell a thing to have not noticed. She-cats find out around 4-5 weeks in, and pregnancy takes 9 weeks. She'd be limited to light duty by the 6th week, removing any secrecy about her condition. I'd consider the timing and the wording for the history to clarify the timeline you're using for her revelation, the fight, and the death.
• Dustwing regretted everything he had said to her - You might consider mentioning the fact that he'd have taken flack from the clan for demanding, against the queen's right to keep the sire of her litters private, that she reveal the tom she mated with.
• Missing Time - The history stops fairly abruptly during the second year of his life. This means you're not touching anything that's happened to him in the past year and a half or so. I suggest going through the plot timeline and at least putting in his reactions to the various major events that have plagued the forest.

As always, send any questions my way.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 11:32, 6 February 2011 (CST)

Check Results - 6 February 2011

PERSONALITY: A good reason for the cat to never become deputy. - I'm not sure I follow the logic of this leap. You talk about him being blindly devoted to his clan to the point where he would give everything to it. In my book that makes a cat a great candidate for deputy, assuming they have the relationship with the leader needed to make it possible.

HISTORY

• The warriors and elders were shocked that Dustwing would have intruded on his sister’s privacy the way he did - Suggest changing the implication that all felt that way and instead go with something that suggests many were. That leaves wiggle room in case someone's character wouldn't have felt that way.
• Some she-cats came to stick up for Brightfur scolding Dustwing for his ignorance. - Just a heads up to let you know that one very vocal voice in this would have been Roseclaw, the deputy of the era. Figured you might want to namedrop in your history.
• but Bloodstar also banned Dustwing from ever becoming a mentor - Bloodstar would not have made this public knowledge. It would be more that he would be continually passed over as 'the cat who wouldn't be able to teach the apprentice expected protocols'. This wouldn't be something that anycat but his deputies (Cottonwhisker and Fiercestorm) might have found out through discussions and selecting mentors for apprentices with Bloodstar.

You're making good progress. At this point we're just fine-tuning and you should be out in the game in no time.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 21:11, 8 February 2011 (CST)

I edited the personality a bit more. The concept I'm trying to portray is that Dustwing can sometimes be foolish when it comes to what's best for his clan. For example, risking many lives is of little consequence to him. Timberwillow 12:41, 9 February 2011 (CST)

Keep in mind that you telling me what you're going for here won't be taken into account. If it's not on the sheet, I don't take it into consideration. This is because I have to judge it on the information that's presented, that will be available to those reading the history.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 16:18, 9 February 2011 (CST)

Approved - 12 February 2011

Congratulations on the first ever successful easement adoption!  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:49, 12 February 2011 (CST)