Ivynose/Archive 1

Check Results - 14 November 2008

I apologize for the wait. Life got out of hand for a few days so I'm running a touch behind.

PERSONALITY

• greatest of all her flaws - Subjective. Just twiddle the wording so it's clear that it's what she considers her greatest flaw rather than forcing it to be the greatest of her flaws in the eyes of all cats.
• she respects and reveres them with every part of her. - The thought's just hanging there. It needs to get completed.

HISTORY

• However Rippedclaw, the father, who loved his mate with a passion, instructed the medicine cat to try and save them both. - I'll need approval from Willow (who plays Thornpelt) that Rippedclaw would have been permitted to stay when the birthing turned difficult.
• far from grieving her mate's loss - Just a note, mainly. But remember that CoSC Clanners have no formal matehood, and no expectations of a bond between cats who do mate (we prefer the original series take on the matter, rather than the one that started in the later series). The point of the note: This is not uncommon, or exceptional in any way.
• Wrenkit and Twigkit were cute enough in themselves, but to see them with their mother was enough to make Spottedpaw choke on her own hatred. - Another comment that dies into the previous ones. But it is a queen's choice to mate as she pleases.. There is no expectations that she'll ever form any bond with any cat that she mates with... There isn't really a social stigma of any sort that should be causing your character to read this way and act this way. I'd like to see the motivation expanded on and clarified.
• When a hard winter came - You're working in established CoSC timeline. There isn't been a particularaly hard winter...
• The night before her ceremony, Spottedpaw slipped into the leader's den to make a request. It was a small thing, but something she felt she had to do to make her gratitude clear to the old she-cat who had helped her through so much. And so it was that Spottedpaw because Applenose, with both the mentor of her claws and the mentor of her heart standing by proudly. - Another perission verification is needed, this time from Blackheart (who's Doublestar's Caretaker) to decide if it would have been okayed.

COMMENTS OUTSIDE TABLE

• I realize she has a ginormous history. Please bear with me---I'll try to trim it down to a reasonable length soon. - First off: Nothing should be outside the form. Secondly, there is NO SUCH THING as a 'reasonable length'. There is simply enough space to tell the story you are trying to tell. Don't cull your history because you think it 'too long'. There is no such thing.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 22:41, 14 November 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 15 November 2008

PERSONALITY

• Applenose also tends towards the romantic; in her mind, to mate is to bond for life, and that unusual concept is what lent her such righteous (as she thought) anger towards her mother. - Unfortunately, now you've just added a personality line about the trait that was in the history. The problem is that you've not described the catalysis for the trait. It's highly unusual for clan cats to have such a firm 'mate-for-life' ideal. to the point where you'll absolutely need to explain where this ideal came from.

HISTORY

• (2nd INCLUDE - Pending Input) However Rippedclaw, the father, who loved his mate with a passion, instructed the medicine cat to try and save them both. - I'll need approval from Willow (who plays Thornpelt) that Rippedclaw would have been permitted to stay when the birthing turned difficult.
• (2nd INCLUDE - Origin of trait not addressed) far from grieving her mate's loss - Just a note, mainly. But remember that CoSC Clanners have no formal matehood, and no expectations of a bond between cats who do mate (we prefer the original series take on the matter, rather than the one that started in the later series). The point of the note: This is not uncommon, or exceptional in any way.
• (2nd INCLUDE - Origin of trait not addressed) Wrenkit and Twigkit were cute enough in themselves, but to see them with their mother was enough to make Spottedpaw choke on her own hatred. - Another comment that dies into the previous ones. But it is a queen's choice to mate as she pleases.. There is no expectations that she'll ever form any bond with any cat that she mates with... There isn't really a social stigma of any sort that should be causing your character to read this way and act this way. I'd like to see the motivation expanded on and clarified.
• (2nd INCLUDE - Pending Input) The night before her ceremony, Spottedpaw slipped into the leader's den to make a request. It was a small thing, but something she felt she had to do to make her gratitude clear to the old she-cat who had helped her through so much. And so it was that Spottedpaw because Applenose, with both the mentor of her claws and the mentor of her heart standing by proudly. - Another perission verification is needed, this time from Blackheart (who's Doublestar's Caretaker) to decide if it would have been okayed.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 20:03, 15 November 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 19 November 2008

HISTORY

• the medicine cat had nearly given up hope of saving kit and mother together. However Rippedclaw, who loved his mate with a passion, had looked ahead to this complication, and had asked the medicine cat to try and save both Duskglow and whatever kits could be safely brought into the world. - Medicine Cats don't look to mates for advice on how to handle their charges. 'He would, nevertheless, have done anything to save either cat, and thus the point is quite moot.' to Quote Willow. And the wording you've went with still needs approval (IE: assigning feelings about the birth to the MC without permission of that player). Please sort this one out with Willow before resubmitting for a check.
• When that happened, she could always go to Appletail, who would listen quietly and without comment to Spottedpaw's ranting. - Would a caustic, irritable old cat with Traditional Clanner views put up with an apprentice fuming at them in anger over something that is completely normal and expected?
• (3rd INCLUDE - Pending Input) The night before her ceremony, Spottedpaw slipped into the leader's den to make a request. It was a small thing, but something she felt she had to do to make her gratitude clear to the old she-cat who had helped her through so much. And so it was that Spottedpaw because Applenose, with both the mentor of her claws and the mentor of her heart standing by proudly. - Another permission verification is needed, this time from Blackheart (who's Doublestar's Caretaker) to decide if it would have been okayed.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 16:58, 19 November 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 20 November 2008

HISTORY

• When that happened, she could always go to Appletail, who would listen to Spottedpaw's ranting and---for once---would refrain from comment, despite the unusual way of thinking Spottedpaw had on the matter. - The changes simply do not justify the behavior. Simply make it more obvious that this is, in fact, completely and utterly out of character for Appletail. You are asking me to have the old elder let an apprentice rant and rave about unnatural points of view that go against everything that normal clan cats are taught. I have such issue with an old traditional cat putting up with this... And this is layered on top of Appletail putting up with a cat type (loud) that she expressly dislikes in accordance with her character sheet. You'll have to acctually justify this, not just attempt to gloss over things that make no sense for the character.
• (4th INCLUDE - Pending Input) The night before her ceremony, Spottedpaw slipped into the leader's den to make a request. It was a small thing, but something she felt she had to do to make her gratitude clear to the old she-cat who had helped her through so much. And so it was that Spottedpaw because Applenose, with both the mentor of her claws and the mentor of her heart standing by proudly. - Another permission verification is needed, this time from Blackheart (who's Doublestar's Caretaker) to decide if it would have been okayed.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:37, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 25 November 2008

Since we're down to a single item, I'm going to dispense with formality. It's not worth the effort. There's still a huge discrepancy between the Appletail Character Sheet and the Appletail portrayed in your sheet. You've still got a caustic, snarky cat becoming a motherly figure. Applatail wasn't a nice cat. She wasn't a patient cat. She wasn't a nice individual. Let me illustrate with a series of quotes out of the Appletail sheet, and my thoughts of how this makes your approach to the friendship faulty.

• grumpy in her old age, but if approached politely - This appears to be the opposite of what would have happened, and what you describe as continuing to happen.
• dislikes loud noises and loud cats - Related to the above mention
• She moved into the queens' den, and waited happily for her kits to be born. However, when the time came, two of her three kits were dead at birth, and the third died withing a day. Grief-stricken, Appletail turned to her mate and her parents for comfort, refusing to eat or drink anything. Her leader forced her to return to the warriors den and resume her duties, but she was weak and stunned by her loss. Time passed slowly for her, and Clan life went on normally. Eventually, she understood that life will go on, and nothing can stop it, so she suddenly found her appetite and clan loyalty once again. - Nearly destroyed by the loss of her kits, would she go out of her way to help an angry, ill-raised apprentice who can't behave? I don't think so.

Appletail is just... really the wrong cat to be a comforting mother figure. She's not any of those thing. You'll have to either come up with an explanation as to why an angry cat with a number of recent and near-destroying losses would take a chance on an Apprentice with Kittypet beliefs or change it.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 20:00, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 1 December 2008

you're looking good, but as I was making some sheet tweaks to add your mentor and put Ivypelt in the 'Other Significant Cats' section, I noticed that the mentor, Icepelt, is a name that's already in use. You'll have to change that name, and you'll be good to go.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 18:26, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Check Results - 1 December 2008 (Round 2)

Still says that the mentor is Icepelt in the history. Has to be changed all through the profile.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 19:46, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Offer from Wolfeh

Adoption Status: Accepted

This adoption offer is being made under eased rules. I would like to play Ivynose because I am a fairly literate roleplayer and I feel that I can take on the responsibility of keeping her active and establishing connections with other characters so she doesn't simply become a name on the roster. I would love to play her because she seems like a pretty easy cat to play for a beginner on the site.

From here the character goes into "easement proceedings" and you'll do the improvements via the approvals process to fill in the blanks and improve the overall character sheet. If you have any questions whatsoever feel free to drop me a line.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 07:21, 2 July 2011 (CDT)

Easement Warning - 30 July 2011

You have 24 hours in which to do one of the following:

• Resume working on your eased character
• File a Leave of Absence (LOA) / Update an existing, expired LOA
• Contact Kitsu to discuss the situation that is interfering with your progress.

Failure to take one of these actions will result in the character being returned to the pool of those that are adoptable.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:03, 30 July 2011 (CDT)

This adoption is closed. Please provide a paragraph explaining why you feel you should be selected as the next player for this character. (EASEMENT: Be prepared to provide the missing parts of the history and improve any parts of teh sheet that require it.)

Easement Instructions

I'm sure you are aware that easement means you must take your character through the applications process for a series of improvements. This list is not all-encompassing, and as we progress I might make further suggestions as we work together to get your ready to take the character back into the game. This list is intended to get your started and point out a few areas that need work.

• Personality contains out of date elements that should be addressed.
• Address the time since she became a warrior.
• Address the reason she is no longer a Senior Warrior, despite having had an apprentice (It does not have to be complicated, it could be as simple as recent WC leader changes may have resulted in her sliding from the "Inner Circle" group because the new leader does not value her as highly as the old one did).

Remember that if you have any questions whatsoever you should send them my way.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 18:02, 17 February 2013 (CST)

Check Results for 23 February 2013

Please note that most characters end up going thru around 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. Adopting an eased character rarely alters this situation. Do not feel discouraged by this as it's perfectly ordinary and a part of the process of a new user learning the ropes at CoSC. In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations will be clearly marked). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.

Also, sorry about the delays in me getting to this. Work is eating me alive. I've so crazy busy…

HISTORY

• Missing Time - The majority of the time between her gaining her apprentice and the Time of the Hunters plot is not addressed.
• Tense Issues - The generally accepted and prefered tense for CoSC Character Sheets is first person past tense. (IE: Instead of "Whisperpaw soon graduates" it would be "Whisperpaw soon graduated". Your additions deviate greatly from the tense already used in the character sheet, so you'll want to use the same tense throughout, preferable the CoSC standard.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 12:57, 23 February 2013 (CST)

Offer from Thunderclaw

Adoption Status: Declined

I guess this is being made under easement. I haven't been here in a looong time, but I feel that I can empathize with Ivynose and so will make a good player for her.

This application is accepted, pending the improvements via the approvals process. I will make a note of the first round of required changes once the character is moved into your possession and onto the approvals track.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:56, 17 February 2013 (CST)

This easement has been declared failed due to the lack of forward progress.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 10:59, 6 July 2013 (CDT)

Offer from Shelly

Adoption Status: Accepted

Made under easement. I'm new and this character seems to be ideal for someone that has limited experience with roleplaying, due to her inconsistent moods and whatnot.

Approved under easement.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 09:36, 30 August 2013 (CDT)

Approval Notes - 15 December 2013

Just a few notes on the history for your consideration, as it was definitely worth getting through apps, and certainly none of this was worth declining it over.

PERSONALTY

• Historical Content - There is some historical content in the history that should be moved to history. This field is intended to be as current as possible.
• Word-fluff - There is a lot of fluffy, so you may want to consider either adding an "overview" type thing at the front end, or tighten up some of the more repetitive sections. This isn't exactly a demand for change, just something to consider going forward.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:27, 15 December 2013 (CST)