Lightningsplash

Check Results - 23 July 2009

PERSONALITY

• Lightningstripe is a very quite cat. She keeps to herself as much as possible, and attempts to keep out of the way. - I bring these two phrases out simply to advise you as to the difficulty you're setting yourself up for. The character you are creating has no desire to socialize in a game created to play out the social elements of our characters lives. I suggest saving yourself the trouble and time of growing board with a character who you have little reason to play and alter the personality so that she is someone who has a place within the society rather than on the fringes of it.
• But she has a weakness for cats who just aren't able to speak for themselves. - Clarify, please. I'm not understanding what you mean by this, as it almost suggests that she would support an outsider rather than run it off.
• Which, is somewhat odd - Powerplay. What is and isn't odd is subjective.
• a fierce fighter - Powerplay.
• she is a swift runner which helps her in battles - Being fast isn't always going to help her. Please such the absoluteness out of the statement.
• One of the things that is most distinctive about her - Powerplay. Let the reader decide what they consider the most distinctive.
• even though she is silent, you know that she is there - Powerplay. You cannot force other players to notice your character. Also, dangerous absolute. As she 100% cannot hide from anyone, even the enemy, based on this.
• Lightningstripe has a certain precense about her that no one really understands. - Powerplay.
• But everyone always knows she is around. - Powerplay/dangerous absolute.

APPEARANCE

• She has a black stripe that runs along the line of her back, starting at her ears and ending just before her tail. - This marking does not exist in clan cat genetics.
• green eyes that have a certain spark about them. - Not only is this completely unclear (Certain spark of what) it's a powerplay as it forces a specific interpretation on her, and it requires that she always has this certain look in her eyes.
• a silver gray pelt & a black stripe - Gray is dilute. Black is non-dilute. A cat must be either all dilute or all non-dilute. Their is no mixing possible.

HISTORY

• He was weak and so it was no surprise that he had died, but everyone was still upset that he had left their lives so soon. - This is a powerplay. It forces others to have responded in a certain way to his death. I doubt many would be upset that a weak kitten died before it grew to be a burden to its clan.
• She would hardly talk to her own parents, let alone anyone else in the camp. - This would likely have resulted in her being labeled mentally deficient.
• Lightpaw's mentor - I have doubts about a kitten so timid it fails to talk to clan members being apprenticed at all. Ashstar would not have apprenticed a cat like that, as war was at risk of returning, and peace precarious at best. A cat whose mental capacity was in doubt would likely be made to wait on apprenticeship.
• the fighting moves that would help save her life in many fights to come. - The war ended the moon prior to her birth. Not only has she never been involved in a battle, but their as only been one battle her clan's been involved in since that time.
• Lightningstripe chose her name the night before her warrior ceremony. - Apprentices do not select thier own names. The leader of the moment does.
• The only thing missing was her parents, who had died from being hit by monsters on the thunderpath. - Her parents died together on the thunderpath? That's not only highly unlikely that both would be killed in such a situation, but that cats of ShadowClan (who do not need to ever cross the Thunderpath, even to reach Fourtrees) would be in that situation at all.
• did not feel as hurt and sad as maybe she should have. - Why would them being dead and watching from StarClan mean she would feel hurt that they couldn't be their in their earthly bodies? Dwelling on death is not something much done in tribal societies. Moving on is pretty much required for survival. (See Clan Traditions - Death)
• Lightningstripe has been a warrior for a few moons now - Try 11.
• She has no mate yet, but wishes to find one soon. - Consult our information on mates and mating in the clan. She could simply choose a male friend and ask him if she wanted kittens.

DAME: Thornpelt - Not only is the name Thornpelt already in use, but the cat in question is the retired male medicine cat of WindClan.

As always, send any questions you have my way.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:05, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 25 July 2009

PERSONALITY

• a calm cat who always thinks things through before she does anything & Although she is quite and calm most of the time, when her blood begins to boil, it can be hard for her to stay under control. - Because these two phrases completely and utterly contradict one another without any explanation of how these traits share the same cat (IE: Right now it's a huge cope out because you can't simply cherry-pick the situations in which you character has the aggressive reaction).
• She can be very quite sometimes and downright talkitive at other times. - Another case of contradictory opposites without an explanation. You'll have to talk about the details of these very polar traits.

APPEARANCE

• her muzzle is white and continues up onto her forhead ina diamond shaped point. - I've never seen a Diamond (♦) shaped marking on a cat's head. If you wish to discuss, do so via PM. Remember that you'll not only need to provide photograph evidence to prove a new trait, but also have to have the original source website for that image.

HISTORY

• when they were two weeks old her brother died - Just so you know, this is a rather long time for a cat so weak that it's no surprise it passes away to survive. A moon is a fairly long time in the cats world, meaning this half-moon is also a fairly long time. For it to be 'no surprise' you might wish to consider the kit having died prior to getting named (IE: Shortly after birth, like within a day or two) or being stillborn instead. Not exactly a demand for change, just a suggested alteration.
• During her apprentice ship, nothing exciting happend - This is not true by any stretch of the imagination. If you check the dates against the Plot Timeline you find that She was apprenticed during the time Sair Fen wandered the forest, and the Rise of the Killer plot was unfolding.
• The only thing missing was her parents, who had died from being attacked by rats in the carrion place. - While the page of information isn't yet written the ludicrous, hyper-deadly rats of Firestar's Quest are not a part of CoSC. It would take a score (20) or more of rats working in concert to have even the remotest chance of slaying two warriors. If she a concentration of organized rats lived in Carrionplace it would make no sense for ShadowClan to keep their camp so close to it. While rats are amongst they more dangerous of prey available to ShadowClan, they're still just prey. Additionally, why would they have been at Carrionplace? It's not a part of ShadowClan territory at CoSC (Map

DAME: Thornpelt - (2nd INCLUDE) Not only is the name Thornpelt already in use, but the cat in question is the retired male medicine cat of WindClan.

MENTOR: Bluefall - As the mentor plays no significant historical roll, I strongly urge you to drop the name from use in the sheet, as their is no good reason for the name to be removed from those available for use.

As always, kick any questions or points you wish to discuss my way.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 14:23, 25 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 28 July 2009

PERSONALITY

• Even though she is calm, she can be downright talkitive at times. - Calm does not mean quiet. Please clarify how these things are related. Being talkative is simply the act of enjoying conversation and has no bearing on an individual being calm or otherwise.
• Lightningstripe is a firece fighter who enjoys the thrill of a battle. - Fierce is a subjective item. It's a powerplay to force the interpretation of 'fierce' on her joy during battles.

HISTORY

• The only thing missing was her parents, who had died in one of the battels when Sir Fein wandered the forest. - The name is Sair Fen. And, there were no battles at all... Cats didn't survive encounters with the fisher, so I doubt anyone would think of those instances as 'battles'. Attacks, perhaps... Give a few of the threads a read. Attacks by Sair Fen left behind crushed bones and scraps of fur, little else. If you run into anything you'd like to know about the plot, drop me a line.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 21:05, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 2 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• a fire-hearted, hot-temperd cat - These are powerplayers because they give interpretations of other traits, rather than just describing traits.
• When she was a kit she was always getting repreminded for losing her temper when she was told not to do some thing she thought was 'right'. - Then how did she manage to be apprenticed at the normal time if she was having issues like that? Kindhearted Whitestar wouldn't have have been receptive of apprenticing a cat who couldn't control itself. This trait is also not addressed anywhere in the history and really should be.
• She hates to be bossed around, which created a very difficult problem when she was an apprentice. - How would this have changed? She would still be getting orders from Senior Warriors, Deputies and Leaders. In fact... Being given orders is the order of the day for most Clan cats.
• treated like a little kit who doesn't have a place in the clan - This sentence makes little sense, as kits have a very important place in the clan.
• ShadowClan is Lightningstripe's pride and joy, she would fight to the death for it and everyone in it. - Are you honestly willing to create and play such an absolute statement that locks her into being willing to die for any member of her clan without hesitation?
• Single Dimension - While you've made an effort to round out the character, I'd like to see more. Right now it's basically a cardboard cutout with a single dimension (Temper, with exceptions for low-self esteem cases).

HISTORY

• Her mother gave her the name Flamekit because of her fiery personality. - How? Kits are named prior to eyes and ears being opened, and thus there is no way to judge the personality. Flame certainly makes no sense whatsoever for a gray cat...
• Flamekit's mother always had a hard time with her little daughter because of her temper and her need to always be right. But as Flamekit grew older, her mother soon realized that this was just how she was and learned to love her even more for it. - Would her mother really "love her even more" for such behavior in a society in which conformity and obedience are valued? If you keep it, please justify the mother's emotions.
• Flamepaw had a some what hard time during her apprentice-ship. She was always trying to tell her mentor what to do , or that she was 'doing it wrong'. - That would have made her apprenticeship incredibly difficult. What you're describing is blatant and extremely serious insubordination. 'somewhat' is an absolute understatement.
• She was always trying to tell her mentor what to do , or that she was 'doing it wrong'. But Flamepaw's mentor decided that instead of letting Flamepaw's behavior irritate her, she would strive to channel it into her apprentice's training. - Why would the Mentor accept that in any way? How could such a thing be successfully channeled into Warriors Training? In my experience training sword-fighters it's the ones who think they already know how to do it that you can't acctually teach anything to (They skip the basics and then get pissy when they end up looking like know-nothing fools). If you want her contrary behavior to have been a tool, you're going to have to explain how and justify it.
• believed that Flamepaw's personality could turn her into a great and loyal clan cat - How could questioning one's orders be perceived as valuable? Her personality is very likely to have been perceived as a hindrance that would make her have major problems fitting into the society she grew up in.
• been a warrior for 11 moons now - Game has moved forward.
• Getting an apprentice is hopefully the next thing in line for her. Hopefully she will get one less fired up then her, so as she can see the calmer side to life. - Frankly, with her personality it's unlikely that she'll ever be given an apprentice. Her history of disobedience and backtalk is not likely to be something that stands her in good stead with the current leadership of the clan.
• Unfortunately, Windsong was an old cat and joined StarClan a few moons ago. Lightingstripe misses her mentor - See section specifically about the mentor for details.

MENTOR: Windsong - The name Windsong has already been used, and unfortunatly the character in question (while a dead NPC, which might have been okay) is not one who's character sheet suggests they would have put up with any of your character's backtalk and temper. Windsong also did not die of old age, but instead was a killed by Sair Fen in the Moon of Long Nights (2006).

Any questions, just drop me a line.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:12, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 4 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• a fire-hearted, hot-temperd cat - (2nd INCLUDE) These are powerplays because they give interpretations of other traits, rather than just describing traits.
• When she was a kit she was always getting repreminded for losing her temper when she was told not to do some thing she thought was 'right'. - (2nd INCLUDE) Then how did she manage to be apprenticed at the normal time (6 Moons) if she was having issues like that? Kindhearted Whitestar wouldn't have have been receptive of apprenticing a cat who couldn't control itself and had no regard for authority. This trait is also not addressed anywhere in the history and really should be.
• She hates to be bossed around, which created a very difficult problem when she was an apprentice. - (2nd INCLUDE) How would this have changed? She would still be getting orders from Senior Warriors, Deputies and Leaders. In fact... Being given orders is the order of the day for most Clan cats. This would be causing her trouble to this day.
• treated like a little kit who doesn't have a place in the clan - (2nd INCLUDE)This sentence makes little sense, as kits have a very important place in the clan.
• Single Dimension - While you've made an effort to round out the character, I'd like to see more. Right now it's basically a cardboard cutout with a single dimension (Temper, with exceptions for low-self esteem cases).
• LACK OF PROGRESS - I do not write out points for improvement for fun. If you disagree with a request for change, discuss it with me before resubmitting the character sheet. Someone requesting another check with the same information still in place does not make me a happy camper. Everything that was a problem the first time will remain a problem the second time.

HISTORY

• Stormkit's mother always had a hard time with her little daughter because of her temper and her need to always be right. But as Stormkit grew older, her mother soon realized that this was just how she was and learned to love her even more for it, because it showed that her daughter had spirit. Which she had always admired. - I stand by my previous points: 'Would her mother really "love her even more" for such behavior in a society in which conformity and obedience are valued?'. You're still in a society where there isn't the possibility of putting a positive spin on behavior like that. Unless the mother was completely blind to the truth and the criticisms off other cats for her complete and utter inability to teach her daughter even a modicum of respect... I mean... Would the Leader have even left the kitten with a mother who was apparently brushing off activities that needed punishment as her being "Spirited"? You're trying to have the mother adore behavior that's very, very negative in the modern American society. In the clan cats society where such contrary behavior could lead to the death of another... You're going to have to go into a lot more detail explaining why the mother was turning a blind eye to her refusals to obey and her potential endangerment of others. What you're talking about isn't just a kitten refusing to go to bed when told. You're setting your character up as constantly fighting authority. That's a big deal in a society like this.
• believed that Flamepaw's personality could turn her into a great and loyal clan cat - (2nd INCLUDE) How could questioning one's orders be perceived as valuable? Her personality is very likely to have been perceived as a hindrance that would make her have major problems fitting into the society she grew up in.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 15:16, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 6 August 2009

OVERALL: Spelling & Grammar Check Needed - Check them. When I start you notice it, you know it's bad.

PERSONALITY

• a kind-hearted cat - Powerplay. Remember to describe what you feel leads to an impression like that rather than just stating what you think is the truth. Forcing the characters of others to think about your character in a certain way is controlling that character, making it as much powerplaying as if you made their character do something in role play.
• She hates to be bossed around, which created a very difficult problem when she was an apprentice. But as time went on, she was able to learn how to respect her elders and to understand that she isn't the only one that is right. - Following the first sentence up as you have dosen't exactly change the fact that she still hates being bossed around. The problem she had as an apprentice still persists. Clan cats get orders every day. The problem I have is that you claim it caused a problem just as an apprentice and imply that her being constantly exposed to something she hates hasn't persisted as an issue in her life.
• Lightningstripe has another side of her though. - though what? Sentence is either incomplete or missing a comma.
• When she is in a good mood or having a great day she has quiet a sence of humor, which in her case, only appearce on the rarest of times. - This sentence is a bit garbled in the middle.
• She loves to play with the kits or tease the apprentices, were some, of her best friends are. - Another somewhat garbled sentence. I'm assuming that the meaning is that the kits and apprentices are some of her best friends... which is a powerplay unless you get the players of cats from those age groups to consent.
• I guess you cld say that Lightningstripe, on her good days, is still young and playful at heart. - Mild powerplaying.

HISTORY

• Riverwind ... believed that Stormpaw's personality could turn her into a great and loyal clan cat. - (3rd INCLUDE) How could questioning one's orders be perceived as valuable? Her personality is very likely to have been perceived as a hindrance that would make her have major problems fitting into the society she grew up in.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 18:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 7 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• a cat with a bit of a temper - Powerplay, as it forces the other characters to interpret something (which you never really describe) as a bit of a temper. Describe the traits you think make her appear to have a temper, rather than just claiming the trait. (I apologize, I think I missed this is past checks)

HISTORY

• And Stormpaw came to respect her mentor greatly, as she realized that Riverwind was not like her mother and believed that Stormpaw's personality could be altered to make her a fierce fighter and a loyal to the core cat. - You might want to reword this sentence as a whole rather than just slap the change onto the end. It seems like Riverwind and Waterclaw both share in their instance that her personality requires change for her to make a good warrior...
• Lightningstripe became a warrior - I have to ask you to explain it somewhere, since the name seems fairly random. She's got no stripes, being solid bicolor... So, your reasoning would be an appreciated history inclusion.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:21, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 20 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• Lightningstripe is a cat with a bit of a temper ,which shows when greatly irritated or put down. She also believes fully in her heart, she knows that your heart is something that is to be treasured and can help you achieve great things if only you will listen to it. - You're still actively claiming a 'Bit of a temper', meaning this is still a powerplay. Leave the conclusions to be drawn by the players of the cats reacting to yours. Just because you think those traits constitute having a bit of a temper does not mean everyone else will view them that way.
• Even though she has a temper - Powerplay. Not everyone will view her as Temperamental. Some might think her stubborn, or foolish, or sentimental. You must leave interpretation of traits and deciding what she is to the players of the other characters.

HISTORY

• Riverwind believed that Stormpaw's personality could be altered to make her a fierce fighter and a loyal to the core cat. While Waterclaw just believed it created a problem in her life. & Stormpaw came to respect her mentor greatly, as she realized that Riverwind did not believe as Stormpaw's mother did - I still believe firmly that the pair share the belief that her personality is a problem that needs to be altered. If Riverwind didn't believe that a back-talking, pissy, and anti-authoritarian apprentice was a problem to be corrected, then I have to have a huge issue with them ever having been selected as a mentor. Both the mother and the mentor want the apprentice to change so that they can be a cat worthy of the clan.
• Lightningstripe became a warrior on a bright day in the Moon of Tiger's Wrath (2007).Her name had been chosen because of her temper and her 'straight forward' attitude, meaning that when she believed she was right no one could really change her mind. - The name still makes absolutely no sense. There is no stripe on that cat. Lightning does not come is stripes, it comes in bolts. and there is nothing straightforward about lightning to boot. It travels in jagged, crooked lines and can destroy huge swaths of forest. Why would she be named after something destructive that reflected a personality trait that no one respected or even wanted in the clan?

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 17:04, 20 August 2009 (UTC)

21 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• Lightningsplash has a personality that some may call fiery, others call it stubborn, but in all honesty she just has a temper - How many times do I have to say this: If you tell people that it is a certain thing, that makes it a powerplay. The 'she just has a temper' bit makes this a powerplay, yet again. You do not get to control how others respond to your character, you cannot force thoughts of 'temper' into the heads of other characters when they think about yours. If you continue to force the "it's a temper" angle you will continue to get declined on this point. Just because you interpret her moodiness and stubbornness as temper does not mean everyone will see it that way, and refusing to let others see your character as they wish violates our general rules.
• SPELLCHECK - It needs it. When things are spelled so poorly that someone with my lack of spelling skills notices, it's bad. You do know that you can install a spellchecking add-on if you use Firefox, right? (And you should be using Firefox if you're on a PC. Internet Explorer is littered with huge security risks).

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 14:11, 21 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 23 August 2009

PERSONALITY

• But her best friends can see through her fiery front, and see her softer side. - She can have a softer side, but you cannot control who does and does not see it. Powerplay.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 14:15, 23 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 28 August 2009

PERSONALITY: But her best, and closest friends have learned that she's not all fire. - Rewording the sentence has not altered the fact that you are forcing any character who becomes a good friend of hers or becomes closer to her to view her in a certain way. You need to leave people the freedom to decide what their characters know and how their characters feel. You cannot use your character sheet to control other players' characters. It's powerplaying.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 14:11, 28 August 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 4 September 2009

In an effort to really ready this for approval, I'm doing another complete read. Of late I've been lazy and just looking over specific points.

PERSONALITY

• She doesn't have many friends, but the few she does have a very close in her heart. - I have to point this out as needing change simply because you don't have the RP to back it up yet. You see, it's still a powerplay in a way, because you create a forced limitation on the number of other characters that can become your characters close friends. I suggest dropping this line completely and just letting what will happen happen.
• When someone reprimands what she believes is right, she sometimes sees red, but as she has grown older, she's learned to control herself - If it's historical it belongs in history, not personality. When she was a kit she was always getting reprimanded for losing her temper when she was told not to do some thing she thought was 'right'.
• She has gotten better at it over the years, but still has trouble controlling it from time to time. She hates to be bossed around, which created a very difficult problem when she was an apprentice, continuing into her warrior hood. But as time went on, she was able to learn how to respect the cats that out-rank her and to understand that she isn't the only one that is right. - Another history vs personality point. Sort it out, only her current personality should be in the personality box. History does not belong here.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 13:45, 4 September 2009 (UTC)

Request to Redeem

I would love to keep this beautiful cat please :) Considering how much development still needs to take place, I really think she needs to remain in my pocket! I know I have been inactive for FAR too long, however a lot of very exciting things have been happening in my life. I graduated college, got married, and moved to Spokane. On top of all of that I also adopted a beautiful cat of my own and a little siberian husky pup, so between the two my life has been crazy! I look froward to jumping back into things and submerging myself into the world of COC once again :)