Paris/Archive 1
From Children of StarClan
Check Results - 25 September 2009
I would just like to mention that you have not created the character sheets for the parents of Brightdawn, which I strongly encourage you to undertake as soon as you finish with this character (or even before. I don't mind some NPC sheets pending with a single PC sheet).
PERSONALITY
- Single Dimension - Aside from her neediness and clinglyness there has to be more to her personality, which I would like to see displayed here. Try for a rounded, realistic character, rather than a character with only a single trait as you have now.
APPEARANCE
- is still a small kitten with soft fur - Please consult THIS article on kitten development. She would not be a small kitten at 5 months old. She would be halfway to her full adult size and personality. She would not be a small kitten, she would be a half-grown cat.
HISTORY
- Paris' mother was ... scornful of those of lower class and it was the smooth-talking feral Cordon who caught Paris' attention - Due to her scorn, you'll acctually be required to explain how this unlikely pairing came to be.
- feral Cordon - Why was a feral living around people? I realize that the announcement from the old website about the "Feral", "Semi-feral" and "Domestic" ranks has gone underground. So I've resurrected it as a PSA, which I should have done long ago. Give it a read and then take another look at things.
- The dark tom was handsome, charming, and friendly: everything that Feu de la Nuit had dreamed of - I doubt the veracity of this statement of previous ones about her are true. He's a dirty feral (there is no way a wild-living cat would be "clean" by domestic standards) without a decent bloodline.
- Feu de la Nuit's owners were pleased; they knew nothing of Cordon's visits and believed that the kittens were children of a prestigious purebred tom of good breeding. - How did they end up missing the fact that their cat either went missing during her heat or a feral cat got into their house?
- Gardenia was not allowed to be registered to be shown, as only purebred cats were permitted - If they knew she was non-purebreed they would know the rest were. She would be fully registrable if the rest of the litter was. If they knew that the queen had mated two toms, the litter would be un-registrable because there would be no way to establish which kittens followed which ancestry.
- Gardenia was given to a local animal shelter. - Most shelters will not accept a kitten that a breeder does not want. They would not willingly accept the kitten from them.
Any questions or points you want to talk about, just drop me a line.
Check Result - 25 September 2009
APPEARANCE
- British Shorthair/American Shorthair mix - I just noticed this. If the feral was a purebred to make a 50/50 mix, you'll have to explain his freedom, too. Also, in mixed breed cats like this, you would get further describing the traits she has, rather than assuming listing a pair of breeds would be anywhere close to able to clearly present information on the physicality of your character.
HISTORY
- feral Cordon & Cordon was sniffing around a few trash cans by a nearby resteraunt when Feu de la Nuit first stepped outside. - Ferals do not usually hang out around humans. They've cut all times. typically.
- Thus, Gardenia and her three brothers were born. Cordon and Feu de la Nuit's new home was in a tucked-away alleyway. - Cordon acting outside of Feral behavior patterns again. Why would he live in an alleyway around people when he's cut all ties to them?
Getting there.
Sheet Improvement Suggestion - 27 September 2009
I'm going to approve this go round, but I strongly suggest working on the wording of the appearance section because currently it reads like a 1st grade reading book. (IE: Lots of repetition. 3 of 5 sentences start with "She has".) It's not a huge deal, but It's a good point to spend some time on when you have it to spare.