Tortoisenight/1
From Children of StarClan
Decline #1: Check Results for 12 January 2013
Greetings and welcome to your first go-round in our applications department. Please note that most characters end up going thru around 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. Do not feel discouraged by this as it's perfectly ordinary and a part of the process of a new user learning the ropes at CoSC. We have a lot of views that are unlike many games, and a number of rules interpretations that are different than what is typical. In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations will be clearly marked). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.
KEY DATES
- Born & dubbed - Currently, you're using the Clanless kit option. This doesn't seem like a big deal, but if you don't set it to "kit", in the future when we get the new canon recording system up and running, it will cause issues with your character registering properly to the right list. Thank you.
- Recognized as an Adult" - This choice means that your character did not receive a warrior name, which is a fact that is not supported by the history. You'll want to correct this, so that your character's name changes are properly recorded by the system.
- Dizzyday Missing? - The name the character's page is stored at (and thus the name the character is considered by the system to be named currently) is not addressed. If your page needs to be moved, you can do so by clicking the word "Move" under the red line just below the 4 tabs.
PERSONALITY
- Usually quiet cats are smart - Because you're stating an absolute, I have to ask you to prove it at least within her clan. Please PM me the result of your research into quiet cats if you wish to keep this in, proving that quiet and intelligent are conclusively linkable.
- Daydaze is not smart, not cunning, not even a little bit. - I'm bringing this up only so that you know how we view powerplay. These statements are all borderline powerplays. They are permissible, but only because you've done a good job later in the personality giving information that counters the fact that these risk forcing a person to have their character view yours in a certain way. So no change needed here, just that I wanted to make sure you know how close to powerplay this really is.
- Yet don't count her out of the warrior bunch. - A distinct powerplay. I know of cats straight off who would consider her a third class warrior for being unintelligent.
- once learned a thing she executes it until perfection - I worry about this phrase only because of the inclusion of the word "perfection" and the all encompassing nature of it. There are certain things that she would always be lacking in (for example, without counting skills of note, her reports would frequently lack details Senior Warriors and Deputies would want, and her alertness to things like tricks and traps would always be lacking due to her lack of cleverness).
- A determined and loyal, rarely if ever loses her cool, that's the kind of cat Daydaze is. - The sentence looks like you changed tacks right in the middle there. Also, "determined and loyal" are powerplays given the context.
APPEARANCE
- Daydaze is a small built she-cat, but that may be mainly because of her young age. - Daydaze would have most of her physical growth accomplished at over a year of age. She's physically mature, and at most she might have a tiny bit of growing left to do, and perhaps some filling out. I know a new-made warrior is really young in the books, but by CoSC judgements we work a bit differently. Check out this page that addresses it in detail. It's rare for a cat at CoSC to surpass 70 without being a Leader and having spare lives. Keep in mind we use a 13 moons = 1 year reckoning in accordance with real life's lunar cycle.
- Her legs are short, but proportional with the rest of her body because her limbs are thin. - This sentence is difficult for me to understand. I don't get how short legs are made proportional by being thin. in my head, as I imagine it, that would actually make them LESS proportional to her body. I suggest describing it more detail and clarifying what you mean.
- One must admit though that Daydaze isn't very muscular - oh, sure, she has some muscle, after all, she's a Clan cat, but Daydaze's family has always been known for the lack of muscular build, so it may as well be genetic. - I suspect what you mean is she's the lean/quick sort of muscle, rather than a bulked-out-bruiser. Being sleek and agile isn't the same as lacking muscle mass. It's just being muscular in a different way. I suggest clarifying, as what you've got written now implies to me a genetic muscular wasting condition, or something that interferes with muscular development. I doubt ether of those are what you were shooting for describing.
- she maintains the short fur all through leaf-bare - Given that fur length cannot change (the coat only grows thicker when it's cold, not longer) because it's genetically defined, you may want to consider what you mean by this statement.
- She has not yet died of cold because ShadowClan is a warmer place due to it being downwind - Downwind simply means that the wind blows from one point towards your point. It's a perspective, not a state of being. This means it could not result in a place being warmer or not. None of the clans are significantly different from each other in climate. Some of them are more exposed and have less places to collect warmth (WindClan, for example), but in the end, it's not a dramatic difference between them).
HISTORY
- Flowerpelt grew very frustrated with the fact that Daykit was not very bright, and blamed herself on doing something wrong during pregnancy, although it really came from Muddyclaw's side of family - he was not affected by it, but his father's mother and her brother were both dimwits very alike Daykit. - Please address why Flowerpelt, who would have known the stories of Muddyclaw's family and likely received warnings about the match from the second she decided on it from her own family, didn't know that Muddyclaw came from stupid blood. Stupid is dangerous in the clans. It would be unlikely that his family being full of dimwits would have gone unremarked or unnoticed with how tightly packed a clan really lives...
- She was pushed into apprenticehood having learned almost nothing from kithood - she barely knew how to eat, drink, make dirt, mate and a vague idea of what Clan code is. There was a speculation that she might be forced to be retired early - You'll need to get Nagini's permission for Elmstar to have not held back a kitten so mentally challenged as this. The cat you're describing is hardly able to exist, let alone be put into Apprentice training. We're talking slow to the point where either killing it or giving it to humans would be getting considered… Just shoot Nags a PM and discuss it with them, and have them report to me with their decision on how Elmstar would have dealt with it.
All in all, not a bad start. Kudos for giving your character serious challenges! Most people want a perfect cat, but the flaws as the most fun to play. And don't get discouraged, the errors you did make are mostly rooted in ways CoSC is different, and perfectly typical for a first timer. You've nailed down the hardest part (a history that works) for the most part. It's a tremendously promising start! Let me know if you have any questions, either via PM, any of my IM systems (listed on the staff page) or my talk page. I'm more than willing to help if you want it! Kitsufox Fox's Den 10:32, 12 January 2013 (CST)
Decline #2 - Check Results for 20 January 2013
KEY DATES: Born & dubbed - [2nd INCLUDE] Currently, you're using the Clanless kit option. This doesn't seem like a big deal, but if you don't set it to "kit", in the future when we get the new canon recording system up and running, it will cause issues with your character registering properly to the right list. Thank you.
PERSONALITY: Tortoisenight has sharp sight and hearing and and a good sense of smell which balance out her lack of wit when hunting. - One of the keys to hunting is prediction and taking obscure bits of data and making predictions. Including unraveling the lies of scent-trails left by prey in ways to hide their very existence. Is being able to collect data the same as being able to accurately process it? I'm not so sure that she would be more an an adequate hunter.
HISTORY
- leaf-bare is her least favorite moon - Leaf-bare is a season, not a moon.
- when medicine cat indeed approved that Tortoisekit didn't have a normal mindset - Not sure "approved" is the right word given the context. Verified might be a stronger choice.
- At the fifth moon when Tortoisekit had made almost no progress, he was worried about how he needed to make decision - he would either need to make her an elder or send her to Twolegs. At last, wanting a solution, he spoke with Tortoisekit herself, and discovered that Flowerpelt could be at fault too. - I find it inconceivable that Sagepelt spent 5 moons missing a key element of the kits' lack of progress. By the time of the first interview Tortoisekit should have been learning speech, and there's no way Poppyfang wouldn't have gone straight to the Medicine Cat over neglect. The culture of the clan cat isn't to stay out of each other's business… In fact, they live in a society without privacy or personal space.
- Flowerpelt was ashamed by her kit and gave her a warning that if she would make one mistake during apprenticeship, she would be given to Twolegs - Flowerpelt has no such power. She might be the kit's mother, but she doesn't have the power to eject it from the clan, only the leader can do that.
Great progress was made in this iteration. There are still a few things to be dealt with, but not bad at all. You covered a lot of ground and weeded out tons of issues with your questions. Great work. Kitsufox Fox's Den 19:07, 20 January 2013 (CST)
Approval Comments - 21 January 2013
I've got something that needs fixing, but completely wasn't enough to warrant a decline for your character.
HISTORY: Then one day Elmstar was informed by medicine cat that Poppyfang had told him that - Sagepelt's a girl, and would have been MC at the time. ;) Easy enough to mistake, given how genderless most Warrior Cat names are.