Character talk

Fernheart

From Children of StarClan

Check Results - 13 September 2009

OVERALL: Character Sheet Incomplete - As the character sheet is incomplete, a check will not be done at this point. Once a proper history is provided I will spend the time on it. Please do not request a check until your character is acctually fully prepared and all minimum lengths are met.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 05:04, 14 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 20 September 2009

Welcome to your first true round of character approvals. Please understand that it is not unusual for a character to go through several rounds before it is accepted. We have standards and requirements that are far higher than your average game in this fandom, and in accordance there does tend to be a bit of a learning curve.

LINKS: none - If you remove all text from the field it will go away and your sheet's appearance will be less cluttered as you have no content for it.

NAME HISTORY: Kit: Fernkit Apprentice: Fernpaw Warrior: Fernheart - Please alter the formatting to fit that which is described in our Guideline.

PERSONALITY

  • Fernheart is known for being a kind she-cat to her Clanmates. - Because this statement forces others to know you for a certain thing (This is Powerplaying, to put a word to it, because it controls others characters) it needs to be edited. I suggest that you describe the things you feel lead to this impression, rather than forcing the impression itself other other characters. You must leave room for other characters to interpret your characters' personality as the players see fit. If you really wish to keep this sentence as it is you could, if you managed to get the players of all other characters in the clan to agree to it being true, and PM me to that effect.
  • She's one of the fiercest fighters in RiverClan - Once again, because it forces something on other characters (being less fierce than your character) you either need to reword it or seek consent from the players of characters effected by this statement (once again, every character in RiverClan).
  • when she isn't on patrol she goes to the nursery - Just bringing this up for a couple of reasons, the first being that RC hasn't had a kitten in the nursery for 5 moons now so there would be no one to share tongues with in there. The second reason is that this would not be tolerated. She would constantly be in the way and underfoot. There is no way the queens would tolerate her presence every second she was not working.
  • She's one of the few cats that can get away with teasing Wetstar. - Unless the player of Wetstar consents and PMs me with a statement of that consent this is a powerplay.

APPEARANCE

  • Though Fernheart is of RiverClan, she has a small, sleek body that is often found in WindClan. - This statement does not accurately reflect the norms our game has established for WindClan. RC cats do tend to be of average size and moderate build. Our WindClan, however, tend towards small size but solidly built (rabbits/hares are strong creatures, and a fragile foreign-built cat would not fair well against them). You can see details HERE that show the distribution of traits in the clan (you can find more pages like this in the viewer, if you're interested).
  • Her tail is quite long compared to her body length - Cats with long tails are specifically banned in the RiverClan Bans.

HISTORY

  • Fernheart was actually born outside the camp. Her mother, Swanfeather, asked Duskystar if she could go on a border patrol just to get out of the nursery; he allowed her to go with her mate, Blizzardheart, and two other warriors. The medicine cat, Seafur, also came along with them, just in case there were any complications. - Not even given the circumstances you describe would she have been permitted on a border patrol. It's doubtful that a Queen that heavily pregnant wouldn't have been accosted by a full battalion of worriers if she attempted to leave camp when she was due to kit anytime. Border patrols are dangerous. They're banned even from hunting late in their pregnancies. She would be expected to stay close to camp at all times, so that if she started kitting she would be able to easily and quickly return to have her kits in a safe and shelters environment.
  • When they were heading back to the camp, the queen felt a sharp pain in her belly and collapsed on the edge of the South Field. - Unless you can find information about an actual complication to pregnancy that would cause a cat to collapse at the first contraction, this also needs to go.
  • The other she-kit, Fernkit, made a little more noice than the others and squirmed around, but still not as much as a normal kit. Seafur knew there was no hope for Flintkit and Springkit - Until the leader announces the names, the kits simply don't have them. And if Seafur saw that they would certainly die, she would have strongly urged that they not be named and that their return to starclan be made as prompt as possible to cut down on thier suffering. (Suggested Reading - Infanticide & Deformed Kittens section of the Traditions doc, Pregnancy Information Page and The Pregnancy Info in the Complains Guide.
  • But thanks to Seafur, she survived, and it did a wonder to the Clan. She was amusing to every cat, kits and warriors alike, and she cheered the whole Clan up when Duskystar met his death by falling into the gorge. - This is a powerplay, unless every character in the clan agrees to it. Additionally, Duskystar didn't die by falling into the Gorge. He'd been fishing the river while the waters were very high, and another log struck the tree he was perched on to fish from and he fell into the raging waters and was swept away.
  • her mother's brother, Sundog, named after a golden-furred dog he had chased off of RiverClan territory when he was just an apprentice - This event isn't a part of RiverClan history, and would change existing history. In accordance, please change the name to something basic and unassuming. Heroism is to be reserved for PCs and IC happenings.
  • One day, the same dog that Sundog had chased away as an apprentice came to the RiverClan camp once more. Most of the cats hid in the dens, while Wetstar, Ashleaf, and the strongest warriors, including Blizzardclaw and Sundog, faced the dog. The cats battled against it, and it seemed like they would win, until three more dogs came and joined the fight. Eventually, the cats chased away the dogs, but Blizzardclaw and Sundog were both killed. - This is a major event that would require us to ignore large tracts of IC history to permit. We simply can't throw huge events like this into game history all willy-nilly.
  • her father's siblings, Badgerfur and Fishtail, were so devastated by his death that they left the Clan to start lives as loners, though they would keep their warrior names and later start to visit RiverClan frequently. - Cats who leave the clan are traitors. The most contact they'd get with RiverClan would be short conversations across the border.
  • Swanfeather mysteriously died about half a moon after the dog attack; Fernpaw would later say that she died of a broken heart. - Consult Traditions Document, specifically the part about "Death" and the page on Mates and Mating.
  • Fernpaw was not given an official new mentor, but trained with several cats. - This would not have been done unless her ceremony was due very very soon. Please clarify the timeline of events in your history.
  • Because of this, she got into arguments with the medicine cat, Heronflight, many times. Newheart was the one who would separate the bunch, saying that you could only judge a cat as an individual, not as a group. Fernheart and Heronflight rarely argue anymore, but there is still tension between them. - Powerplay. Either out it comes, or you get the players who's characters you hijacked to PM me consenting to the actions you're pushing on them.
  • The truth is that Fernheart, having heard the story of Sleekpelt's mother, decided that if she was going to have kits, she was going to have them with a tom she really loved. - I do not understand how her choosing a tom she admires had anything to do with the sickness that struck her litter... Consult the section on Mates and Mating. Here at CoSC love is not considered a requirement for mating. Simply a positive relationship of some kind. The Clan Cat lifestyle dosen't really leave a lot of space for love in the sense that it exists in modern society. A more practical POV is taken.

If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line and we'll talk.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 19:40, 20 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 23 September 2009

PERSONALITY

  • she loathes raiding other Clans' camps - In the last two or so IC years there have been no camp raids done by any clan. At all. Prehaps she could dislike the idea, but the action has not been a reality for some time. It's never happened in her lifetime.
  • Secretly she is afraid that if she has kits herself, something bad will happen to them and they will have to be killed like her siblings - When such things are done they are not something that would be talked about. They would never talk about putting the kits out of their misery. Little more would be said than they were stillborn. I also suggest reading Mature Themes - Infanticide. Unfortunately, as I know nothing about you as a player, it's very difficult for me to know what your capabilities are and the way you would handle it. It would be very very difficult for me to approve it for you at this point.

APPEARANCE

  • Fernheart has always been small for her age - Please consult the restriction section of the bans list. You do not qualify for an item (being abnormally small) that is under extremely heavy restriction.

HISTORY

  • Her mother, Swanfeather, had a harsh birth that lasted from early in the morning until late in the evening. But her mate, Blizzardclaw, and Seafur managed to help her deliver three tiny kits. - Why was the tom even permitted there? He would possess nothing more than a knowledge of basic field medicine, have no knowledge of the kitting process, and would be skipping out on his warrior duties to waste time getting in the way of the Medicine Cat and her chosen helpers (Either the MCA or a Queen who'd born a litter already and knew the process).
  • Most of the Clan thought that this kit, who was named Fernkit, would die. - This is a very dramatic powerplay unless you get most of the players of characters in the clan to agreeing that this is how their characters would feel.
  • Sundog just purred and shook his head, explaining that the leader of RiverClan, Wetstar - Wetstar was not the leader during the period she was apprenticed. (See: Leadership Timeline and Deputy Timeline)
  • One day, after sharing a large fish they caught together, Blizzardclaw and Sunflame fell sick. Many herbs were tried to stop whatever disease the fish had from spreading through the two warriors, but it was too late. - You'll have to locate information on an ailment that can be caused by fish that is this deadly (so that it can be added to the game information in response to this use). Please PM me links to information about it.
  • her father's siblings, Badgerfur and Fishtail, were so devastated by his death that they left the Clan to start lives as loners, though they would keep their warrior names - This entire incident is very very counter to the clan society. You're talking about cats who were raised and indoctrinated with the idea that being clan is better than anything else, and that that clan comes before all else. Something relatively insignificant like the death of a brother shouldn't be able to cause something this dramatic. There's also no real reason to name these characters as they play no significant role in your character's history save an in-passing mention. This does not make them worthy of causing 2 names to be removed from the list of those available for others to use.
  • And, of course, Fernpaw felt a deep sympathy in her chest when she heard of Newheart's tragic story from being a WindClan cat to a loner to a loyal RiverClan warrior. - You'll have to check with Newheart's player, but I don't believe that she shares this story much at all.

As always, send any questions my way.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 19:27, 23 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 25 September 2009

PERSONALITY

  • Despite her dark past - What dark past?

APPEARANCE

  • a light gray tabby - Gray tabby (Mackerel, the common form of tabby) is banned in RiverClan at the moment.

HISTORY

  • Swanfeather and her mate Blizzardclaw rejoiced with their Clanmates, but Seafur noticed that something was wrong. The only tom in the litter and one of the she-kits weren't moving and barely made a sound. The other she-kit made a little more noise than the others and squirmed around, but still not as much as a normal kit. Knowing there was no hope for the two weak kits, Seafur fed them poppy seeds so that they would die peacefully, and she began to work on the surviving kit's health. - I think you may have misunderstood my comments on this not being talked about after the fact and misinterpreted it to mean this would not be talked about at all. The parents would have been involved in the decision. Right now there is an implication that Seafur didn't discuss the matter with the mother when she would have. She has the power of veto to force the thing to be undertaken (but given her personality such a measure is unlikely to have been forced if the mother insisted). Understand that infanticide on the whole is a very sensitive subject. and in this history it's being taken really lightly and treated in a very "Meh" sort of manner. It is not something that is done lightly. Given what you describe, I have questions as to whether or not the chance to survive would have been taken away from them. They were breathing and showing no signs of conformation problems. I think Seafur would have suggested waiting on naming them until they were proven strong enough to survive... But I don't know if infanticide would be fitting for this situation... It's not something I like to see done in an in-passing sort of way without a full explanation of why it was chosen. Kits are precious. You don't throw away precious things without a very good reason. If you want to discuss this note more, or test-drive a specific reasoning angle prior to including it in the sheet, drop me a line.
  • Having no littermates to play with, Fernkit often asked her mother to take her around the camp and introduce her to the other cats. - She may not have had blood siblings, but she was in the nursery at the same time as Foxpoppy's kits (Featherpaw, Heronflight, and Needlepaw they're called nowadays)
  • Swimming Alone - I'm a little bit concerned about an adult mentor permitting this in an apprentice... It seems irresponsible...
  • Fernpaw quickly got out and explained that she had been slightly afraid of the water since she was a kit - Why was she afraid of water? Fear of water, even a slight one, is hugely abnormal in a clan in which respect and dependence on the water is a big part of life.
  • One day, Blizzardclaw and Sunflame were diagnosed with greencough and became very weak. - Greencough does not generally kill otherwise healthy warriors. If you want to use an illness, drop me a line and we'll see if we can work them into the Killingcough epidemic.

NOTES

  • For her last few days of apprenticeship, Fernpaw trained with several different cats, as her old mentor was dead. - Why would Wetstar have made her wait a few days? If she was prepared for her ceremony what on earth would he have waited around and wasted a bunch of warriors time doing lessons with her for?

As always, questions and further discussion of points by request.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 13:56, 26 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 27 September 2009

APPEARANCE

  • a white muzzle - In all of my time investigating and learning of cat markings I've never once seen an otherwise solid cat have just a white face. Take a peak at our White Marking Gene page. A cat with a white face is typically a grade 4ish or higher bicolor. If you can find a clear picture and show it to me (including a link to the source page) I'll accept it. But not without verification that it exists.

HISTORY

  • the first-time mother fell asleep on a frosty night and forgot to hold her kits close to her. The more energetic she-kit was able to crawl towards his mother, but the other kits were too weak and soon froze to death. - This goes beyond just irresponsible... This is... This is outright murder. If the kits were this bad, and not responding to care of any time, would more time have been spent on them? What you're describing is kits so weak they probably couldn't feed. I mean... Right now... As it stands... I don't think that Swanfeather would have been permitted to keep the kit lucky enough to survive when her own negligence killed 2 of them. I suggest prehaps going to just having them stillborn if this is how pathetic you want them to be, or unable to suckle and died within hours of birth because of it. Unless you'd like your character to have a mother so irresponsible that assumptions would likely be made about your character having been raised by it.
  • One day, Sunflame collapsed during a training session. He insisted that he continue doing his warrior duties, but he was used in patrols and training less and less often. Finally he was forced to admit that he was getting old, and he retired to the elders' den. - Age is not generally a reason for collapse (and I have to take collapse as 'fainting' given the context). What caused it?
  • Fernpaw was almost done with her training and for the last few days of her apprenticeship, her father acted as her mentor. - Standing by past statements. Why make her wait rather than move the ceremony up a few days? It seems like a waste when her father wouldn't have managed to teach her anything significant in that time and she'd have to have been fully ready for the ceremony given it was only a few days before the leader was ready to make her a warrior... and why was the ceremony so strictly scheduled? They're a privilege, not a right. Getting one's warrior name isn't something you can put a clock to and time. It goes off training progress, not the realization that it's the day a cat turns 12.
  • Fernpaw also developed her love for kits after meeting Newheart's son Twilightkit, who would later become Cardinalpaw. - I'd just like to point out that the wording and placement on this suggests that she somehow managed to not meet a cat in a group of like... 30 that's she's lived in since her birth until something like 12 moons of age.

MENTOR: Sunflame, Blizzardclaw - Because of the way the field is designed it wants a single name (Right now it's looking for a character who's name is "Sunflame, Blizzardclaw"). Put the mentor of least significance down in the other significant cats section, and await the change I've been considering that would add room for additional mentors (there are a number of characters with more than one, and I've long not accommodated this).

Things are down to the nitty-gritty. We're getting there and you're doing well. It's just anytime you do anything unususal or highly dramatic the approval takes forever as every hole in the story gets patched and things are perfected. (You would not believe how long it took me and Fernwhisker to get Newheart through the apps process).

You know the drill. Send any questions my way.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 14:31, 27 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 28 September 2009

HISTORY

  • One day, Sunflame felt his joints ache during a training lesson. When this continued over the next few days, he visited Seafur and found out that he had developed arthritis. He insisted that he continue doing his warrior duties, but he was used in patrols and training less and less often. - Why would he have to insist on continuing his warrior duties? He'd be expected to. I also don't see why, until the arthritis developed to a point where it was actively interfering with his performance ability (something a little bit of joint ache wouldn't do). Age-related Arthritis isn't a switch. It develops slowly over time. I also don't understand the 'he was used for training less' bit, either. He was actively training an apprentice. It's his job and his responsibility. Such shirking like handing off his training wouldn't be tolerated. If he wasn't able to train his apprentice, he wouldn't be mentoring.
  • Fernpaw was almost done with her training, so her father, Blizzardclaw, decided that she should have her assessment. - Her father, having no authority over her training wouldn't be involved in any capacity. In fact, he dosen't have the authority to declare when her assessments should be held. Such is the domain of leaders and deputies to decide.
  • Fernheart found the many duties of a warrior come as a bit of a shock to her - This makes no sense, as she'd have been doing most of them as a Senior Apprentice. Check out Advanced Warrior Training. At her age she'd be actively patrolling for both hunting and border. Since she'd be dropping the lessons in addition to her duties on patrols, she'd likely find it a relief.

NOTES: Given final apprentice assessment by Blizzardclaw - Blizzardclaw would have no authority to give an assessment of any form to a cat who is not his own apprentice, least of all a final one. See Evalutations.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 21:52, 28 September 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 29 September 2009

HISTORY

  • This ended up becoming true, but fortunately, it was near the end of Fernpaw's training. He told Fernpaw's new mentor, her father Blizzardclaw, that she was ready for her final assessment.Though he was strict, as he was still suffering from the shock of Swanfeather drowning in the river a moon before, Fernpaw tried hard and passed with flying colors. - For starters, if she was ready for a final assessment, she wouldn't have gotten a second mentor. If there was a period between Sunflame's retirement and the appointment of a new mentor, why was the elder so much more aware of the progress of the apprentice than her active mentor? And then, we get on the point that Mentors do not perform evaluations. The leader and/or deputy have that honor. (This is due to the fact that Mentors have every reason to simply pass their apprentices to make themselves look good while a leader or deputy is more impartial on the matter) The most involvement a mentor would have in an assessment would be the request that the test might be in order to the leader or deputy.

Just about there. Any questions, the normal stands.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 22:14, 29 September 2009 (UTC)

Post Approval Change Requests

These are little things that need changing that I didn't feel warranted a full decline because they're an oversight for something that you meant to remove (based on history changes) and a couple of typos. I figured I'd just point 'em so they could get tweaks.

HISTORY

  • beginning to hurt more and getting,in the way of his warrior duties - There's a comma between getting and in instead of a space.
  • He that, if the pains continued to grow at this rate, he would have to retire to the elders' den before Fernpaw was finished with her training. - The sentence starts weirdly.

NOTES: Given final apprentice assessment by Blizzardclaw on request of Sunflame - Never got removed or corrected.

 Kitsufox  Fox's Den 21:41, 30 September 2009 (UTC)