Minnowleaf

Check Results - 3 July 2009

I'm going to crash through this now, because otherwise it's waiting until Monday. I normally am not a big fan of doing this during this part of the day because my house gets uncomfortable. Please understand that this is not me picking on you, but rather a normal part of the process of creating a character. I can count on one hand the number of times a characters have gone through on the first try, and they've always been by experienced and long-term players. ;) Everyone spends some time working on their character in approvals.

NAME HISTORY: Add <BR> tags between lines - So that it all dosen't show up as a single run together line.

PERSONALITY

• Minnowleaf is a very sweet cat. - This statement is what is called a powerplay (something that is outlawed in our General Rules). What does or doesn't make a cat sweet is a subjective thing, and in accordance you should describe the traits that you feel create an impression of sweetness rather than just claiming the trait.
• She is also a little bit shy and She loves adventure and when she was a kit, was constently getting into trouble. - You need to explain how the shyness, a trait that implies a sedate nature and a preference for avoiding things that would draw attention to herself, and a love of adventure (which is a boisterous thing that attracts a great deal of attention to oneself in a society in which doing your duty is considering the be all and end of all existence) exist together in the same cat. Together they create a paradox that you will need to explain.

APPEARANCE

• jet-black fur - According to the RiverClan Bans & Restrictions a solid black character is something that is particularaly heavily restricted. You do not meet the criteria outlined for attaining something of that restriction level at this time.
• She has a nip out of her ear from a fight with a ShadowClan warrior - In the period from the time of your character's appprenticeing forward there have been no conflicts between clans. There is also the consideration that RiverClan and ShadowClan simply don't share a border with each other, and thus such a confrontation is unlikely even if there had been much in the way of inter-clan conflicts during that period. (As for why there is little combat, please consult the Plot Timeline. You'll notice that either RotK or WoD have been happening, and during those periods the clans kept to themselves for the most part)
• a moon shaped scar on her hip from cutting herself on a sharp rock as a kit - As a long haired cat such a wound would have to have been both large and deep, yet I notice that their is no damage save a scar that is miraculously moon shaped. Please explain (either here, or in the history section in which the incident is described) how she was able to come through this with no lasting damage. In a society in which stitches are not possible.
• Length - The minimum required length is not met. You've overlooked touching on the build of your character at all. Try and paint of a picture with words of what your character looks like so that people have the same mental picture of the character as you do.

HISTORY

• being a warrior.Stormclaw had to - I'm only bothering to mention this because I'm declining the sheet anyways. Missing space after the period.
• They're parents both died from Greecough. - Greencough, really? It's a bad thing, but not particularaly fatal in the case of an otherwise healthy warrior... The death does fall during the Wings of Death plot and Killingcough is very bad news.
• Minnowleaf couldn't believe it had actually happend. - Why not? She was at her most formative moons during the height of the Rise of the Killer plot. 4 WindClanners died and the Medicine Cat of the time (Thornpelt) was directly attacked. She spent her whole life hearing about how she's supposed to be willing to die for her clan. Please expand on why this was such a shock. The cats don't live in a world like our modern one, in which we use medicine and surgery to fight death at every turn. Death is very much a part of life in the clans.
• She had thought that her parents would always be there, that they would help her and love her - In what way does death stop her parents from being there in a society where it is thought that they constantly watch over one another and the spirits of the dead give advice to improve the lives of the living?
• She had always been so afraid that she would never become one, since she was always getting into trouble as a kit and apprentice - If she was always getting into trouble, since day one, why is she getting her warriors name at all?
• Why, she could just remember the day her father had to carry her back to camp when she was a kit because of how she had cut herself on that stupid rock. - A situation that creates an injury so sever that the scar is large enough to be seen on a long-haired cat really must be significant. Shouldn't this be mentioned at the appropriate time and the event talked about in detail rather than it being included as little more than a reflective mention?
• Or the time that she got into a fight with that shadow clan warrior when she was just an apprentice, and had gotten a bite taken out of her ear. - I made other comments about this in the appearance section, but I also must wonder why what should have been addressed as a major incident is given little more than a passing mention.

RANDOMLY FLOATING: Fast runner, loves to sit by the stream and watch the minnows swim. - This sentence is randomly floating about outside the template and something must be done with it.

Well, that's that. I've honestly seen far worse from someone new to CoSC. It looks long because I'm naturally wordy. If you have questions about any items just let me know.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 20:06, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 3 July 2009 (Part 2)

You have not yet addressed all concerns. Until you address all listed concerns in the check result please do not resubmit for another check. If you do not change them, then I'll just end up repeating them.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 21:07, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 4 July 2009

I know it might seem like I've got a lot of things to point out, but remember that it's nothing personal and that everyone goes through this process. It helps you build a character who's as good as it can be.

PERSONALITY

Honestly, I only have one concern left about this, and nothing that I can really specifically call out, but there's a lot of stuff about what she enjoys, and not a whole lot that acctually relates to what she's like. I'd like to see more in there about her, rather than her likes and dislikes.

APPEARANCE

• Still Solid - While it involves more than one color, "Tortoiseshell" is still a single color. To not have a "solid" cat, we're referring to white markings (the "Bicolor" pattern).
• Most of her pelt is a fawn-colored coat with black patches here and there - Fawn is a 'dilute' color and black is a 'non-dilute' color. A cat is either all dilute or all non-dilute, they cannot be mixed. Our genetics rules require characters be fully plausible. If you'd like, feel free to send your appearance to be for a couple of rounds of pre-check via PM, as it can be confusing for someone not familiar with cat genetics.
• a nip out of one ear - Clarify 'nip'. It's a rather fuzzy word that I'm not sure how to interpret.

HISTORY

• Names - This is suggest a suggestion (you honestly don't have to do it, but I'm mentioning it because this is undergoing a decline anyways), but using the kit and apprentice names in the history when that's what the character went by can make the age/status of the character a lot clearer.
• Brother - Graycliff - He's both alive and plays absolutely no significant role in the history. There appears to be little reason to include him, it would be preferable if you eliminated and unnamed him or at least left him unnamed to prevent the addition of another name to the used names list.
• Their parents both died trying to save some kits from a fox. - This is a significant event that cannot simply be glossed over in a single line. Who were the kits? (unless PCs agree to have been the kits, I'll be vetoing the situation outright). Did the kits survive? What on earth were kits too young to run away doing where a fox could get to them? Where were the parents of the kits? It leaves a terrible lot of questions. I still think the slickest way to deal with the parents would be to take advantage of the Wings of Death situation and have them die of Killingcough rather than fight with creating a whole new major event. It even maintains your original "die of sickness" plan.
• She was now Minnowleaf, and she could hardly wait to begin her first day as a new warrior. - You're missing a great deal of information for her history. You've skipped the entire post warrior-hood period. 5 moons have been skipped entirely by this history.

You're making progress. It just takes a bit of time and effort to get a character perfected and ready to go.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 14:49, 4 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 6 July 2009

It looks to me that at least sections are getting down to the nitty-gritty. Your work will pay off soon if you stick with it. You're making very good progress.

PERSONALITY: Minnowleaf is a very talkitive and outgoing cat. - This is the last section I worry about, because it has mild powerplaying happening. 'Talkative' and 'outgoing' are pretty subjective. Please explain the traits that you feel lead to the impressions that she is this way rather than just claiming the traits.

APPEARANCE: She has a small bite out of one ear - I still honestly don't understand what a 'small bite' out of an ear is. And I've got this ludicrous image of the cartoon 'bitten sandwich' sort of missing piece (have had that ludicrous picture in my head since that first appeared in the appearance) ... Try acctually talking about the shape you mean rather than using vague phrasing.

OVERALL: Spellcheck - Their are spelling errors in the sheet that I'm catching... and with my lax abilities in the spelling department, it means you need to give this a good run-through for spelling. Wouldn't hurt to make sure all of your periods are followed by spaces and that your grammar/wordings are what you intended, too.

See? Like I said. Good progress.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 15:25, 6 July 2009 (UTC)

Check Results - 8 July 2009

APPEARANCE: She has a small half-cirlce bite out of one ear, from a tuffle she had with a fellow apprentice when she was younger. - I'm a little surprised that you acctually meant the ludicrous image that was in my head. But, I'm not going to refute this based on my mental image being comparable to a sandwich with a bite taken, but rather based on the fact that it isn't consistent with cat teeth. (References: Cat Skull 1 & Cat Skull 2) Notice how strait the teeth are, completely lacking the curve that would be required to do the damage you described. There's also the issue of who did it. If you seek out and find someone willing to be responsible for the damage to her ear (as it's fairly major damage) then we can work out the details of how what is a relatively serious injury for one apprentice to inflict on another. You can see who would have shared the apprentices den with her by consult the RiverClan by Age list.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 02:20, 9 July 2009 (UTC)

Correction Requests - 11 July 2009

None of these things were serious enough to decline the whole sheet over, but I would like to see corrections on them. Drop me a line with specific questions if you have them.

• Named Mentor: As the mentor is only mentioned in passing, it seems like a good plan to simply drop the name entirely from the history. It saves you the trouble of having to concern yourself with the processes of creating an NPC sheet for and for having to work out a death for the character. Much simpler, and it opens you to the idea of having the possibility of picking up a PC mentor one day if the right situation reveals itself.

• Always wanting to be the center of attention, and constantly looking for an adventure. : This is just two sentence fragments stuffed together. Turn it into a real sentence (or pair of sentences) please.

 Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 18:41, 11 July 2009 (UTC)

Request to Redeem

I would love to keep this beautiful cat please :) Considering she was my first I can't bare to part with her! I know I have been inactive for FAR too long, however a lot of very exciting things have been happening in my life. I graduated college, got married, and moved to Spokane. On top of all of that I also adopted a beautiful cat of my own and a little siberian husky pup, so between the two my life has been crazy! I look froward to jumping back into things and submerging myself into the world of COC once again :)