Flickercloud/1

Decline #1: Check Results for 3 July 2012

Greetings and welcome to your first go-round in our applications department. Please note that most characters end up going thru around 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. Do not feel discouraged by this as it's perfectly ordinary and a part of the process of a new user learning the ropes at CoSC. We have a lot of views that are unlike many games, and a number of rules interpretations that are different than what is typical. In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations will be clearly marked). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.

PERSONALITY

• his somewhat pacifist beliefs - I bring this up mainly because you don't address where this comes from anywhere in the character's history. Pacifism is as far from the culture he was brought up in as you can possibly get. I can't just let it appear there, you'll want to address (in his history) what happened to him to make him adverse to the point of pacifism to fighting.
• He doesn't enjoy fighting, and seems to do so only by necessity - Only seems to fight by necessity? With the meaning of the word "Seem" this implies that it's not actually the truth. Please clarify this point.
• He feels a deep kinship with most cats of his clan, even if he might not know them very well. - He's spent his whole life living shoulder to shoulder with all of the cats in his clan. He should know each of them at least moderately well...
• He prefers stalking his prey to the last minute then charging prematurely - Then and Than are very different words. Your use of then completely changes the meaning from what I think you intended this sentence to read as...
• he can be lazy, doing only the bare minimum of work required of him before he usually is found sunning himself or visiting the apprentices or kits . . . mediating disputes - I doubt more contributive clan members would tolerate him mediating disputes, given that he's lazy and that would make him a clan cat who receives little respect from his fellows. I suggest sticking the word "tries" in there to keep this from being a powerplay by forcing other players to have their characters respect him enough to let him get involved in their conflicts.
• he can be lazy, doing only the bare minimum of work required of him before he usually is found sunning himself or visiting the apprentices or kits - This section borders very hard on powerplay. A cat isn't welcome in the nursery unless it's by the goodwill of the queens who dwell there. Given he's a lazy slack-job, I suspect a great many queens would not tolerate his influence on their kits. In accordance I suggest you reconsider your wording here.
• a cat who generally always has a smile on his face - Cats can't smile.
• he has never exploded into instant fury with anyone as of yet - Do you have plans to have him explode like this in a way that would be competely out of character given the personality you're so painstakingly establishing for him? This line certainly suggests it...

APPEARANCE

• a lanky tomcat with a tall, long build with a tail - Long tails are currently restricted at the Clan level for ShadowClan, and the trait is too common in the clan for me to waive the restriction. Sorry. If it was something that wasn't restricted for reasons of overabundance in the group already I would consider it...
• He dons a short coat - Due to the fact that he can't take his fur off (that is, it's not an article of clothing) he can't don it. CoSC tends to frown on the wolf-rp styled purple prose thing, just to warn you.
• A pair of dark copper colored optics sit on top of an angled face - Unless you're a medieval manuscript, the word "Optics" means "a lens or other optical component in an optical instrument" when used as a noun. Unless a human being strapped a pair of binoculars to his head, that sentences doesn't mean what you meant it to mean.

HISTORY

• Born as a single kit in an empty nursery left his sole playmate his dame. - This is not correct. Bearshine, Skydapple, and Marshstorm were all in the nursery (5 moons at the time) when he was born. Then, when he turns 5 moons, Hazepaw, Hawkpaw, Rosepaw, Seapaw, and Crescentpaw would have been born. It should also be noted that he wouldn't be secreted in the nursery once his eyes opened. He would have been able to play with the rest of the clan and wander about camp as soon as he was large enough to walk about it.
• he was given the name Nettlepaw - Why? It reflects nothing about him. He's not prickly, he's not aggressive. Explain why he was given a name so polar to the cat he actually is.
• She was her last apprentice before retiring upon his graduation - I think there's a gender pronoun issue in this sentence.
• Nettlepaw became Nettleflare - Again, why? He doesn't have an intense personality of any sort. He doesn't have flares of emotion... It reflects nothing about him, so I'll have to ask you to address why the name was chosen for him.

All in all, a very good start. Don't be discouraged if this looks long to you, it's not (by our standards). We run with diffrent rules and standards, so there's always a few kinks as we make sure a new player understands everything. Any questions, feel free to contact me.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 10:10, 3 July 2012 (CDT)

Post-Approval Corrections - 6 July 2012

These bits still need fixing, but they're inconsequential enough things that just involve language changes and don't effect anything directly abotu your character, so I approved, but submit these notes for your correction in the final sheet along with that approval.

HISTORY

• joined by Elmstar's kits in the nursery - This is a vernacular nitpick based on a CoSC-ism, so don't be too confused by this one. We view reproduction a lot differently than the fandom-at-large. They wouldn't be considered "Elmstar's Kits" in a proprietary sense. They would be "the kits sired by Elmstar", or "Squirrelfur's Kits". Elmstar contributed very little of himself and didn't put himself at risk to bring them into this world. He has no ownership of them, except as the leader of thier clan.
• Elmstar's kits in the nursery - Yep. Another comment on this section, and to avoid confusion and keep it clear, I'm making it a second point. The Kits who joined the nursery that moon are actually from two different litters. Crescentpaw, Rosepaw and Seapaw are by Elmstar out of Squirrelfur. Hazepaw and Hawkpaw are by Marshhawk out of Fogdancer.

Any questions, just let me know.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 08:50, 6 July 2012 (CDT)