Marshstorm/1

Decline #1: Check Results for 31 May 2012

Greetings and welcome to your first go-round in our applications department. Please note that most characters end up going thru around 2-4 rounds of decline and editing. Do not feel discouraged by this as it's perfectly ordinary and a part of the process of a new user learning the ropes at CoSC. We have a lot of views that are unlike many games, and a number of rules interpretations that are different than what is typical. In the decline itself I will take the section that I have change requests for and quote it, and then describe the needed changes. (Occasionally, it's just me commenting, but those situations will be clearly marked). If you run into any questions, please feel welcome to contact me for clarifications.

PERSONALITY

• Nightstorm's sometimes bipolar behavior and small hint of insanity causes for him to be poorly trusted by his clanmates. His relationship with his clan is rather harsh and rocky. This is because of the impossibility of predicting what a cat with such conditions may do next. One heartbeat demonstrates a seemingly happy and cheerful cat, and the next heartbeat Nightstorm drops into sudden, low depressions. - This is what I think of as the "fair warning" game. Cats who're unstable generally don't get tolerated as clan cats. Chances are this might end in the characters eviction from a clan, or their outright execution as a risk based on IC situations that crop up (CoSC believes in strict ICA=ICC standards, doing something is considered consenting to the results). I also like to caution those wanting a lot of abnormality in a first character, playing a cat with something like depression isn't going to help you develop the strong bonds you need with other players to really support something like this. Without connections to other players already existing you might not be able to have the faith of others to play such a condition with sensitivity and knowledge. You can go forward with this if you want, but I do like to lay it all out ahead of time and make sure you're aware.
• One heartbeat demonstrates a seemingly happy and cheerful cat, and the next heartbeat Nightstorm drops into sudden, low depressions. and Nightstorm is usually always buzzing with energy and some enthusiasm. - These two statements are at odds with each other. In one you describe a manic depressive with wild and unpredictable swings as the normal means of operation, and in the second you describe a cat who is typically engaged with life around himself and full of energy. Please either ballance these two statements and explain how they fit together or alter one half so they're no longer in conflict.

APPEARANCE

• black fur - ShadowClan cats with black fur are currently banned. I looked into the numbers, and at the moment there's no end in sight for this ban (8 of SC's 23 cats are black, and a further 6 are gray. I try to divide things 1/3rd each to black/gray, tortie/dilute-tortie and red/cream. The clan is currently spectacularaly out of whack even permitting for black/gray to be considered their typical and aloud a certain freedom to go a bit over the limits). Thus, I'd have to ask you to change the color of your character, which I realize is likely to cause issues with the "night" section of his name... Sorry.
• he's average-sized - Cats of Medium size are also banned for SC at the moment. Please indicate in the appearance to which side of average (IE: fractionally smaller or fractionally larger than) so that I know which edge of the medium range would be acceptable for him.

HISTORY

• The birth had some complications at the start that later developed into bigger problems, resulting in his mother and littermates' deaths. He was entrusted to another queen right afterwards, and so, the tom thought his foster mother was actually his real mother at some point of his life. - I checked the Canon Information Page of the Moon of His Birth to make sure that a queen would have been nursing to take him in and discovered that not only was a queen nursing at the time, but one actually had a litter that moon. The litter was Bearshine and Skydapple (by Bayshine out of Sootypelt), along with the kitten from the Four for the Future plot (Aspenbright) who was already adopted. If you're interested, get in touch with Moose and Web and see if they'll grant permission for your character to have been adopted into the litter (the other three characters are either currently unplayed or NPCed by me, and I have no issues with it). If they grant permission, please ask them to PM me (Kitsufox) with a statement of that Permission.
• Because of Nightkit's young age, he was never really told much about the incident with his mother's kitting, even when he questioned about the topic as he got older - Why not? Queens die kitting frequently enough that young-adult Kits are taught that bearing kittens is a dangerous act that puts the females' life in danger. This would actually have been the perfect moment to bring it up in front of the whole litter as an example of a she-cat who died a courageous death attempting to give her clan trueborn warriors.
• While the other kits saw this as just a game, Nightkit imagined them as true enemies. - Powerplay (because you're deciding how other player's characters are thinking). Please either remove the implication into what other kits were thinking or go through the Canon Information and find out all characters who shared the nursery with your character and have them PM me statements saying that they agree to their characters having through that way.
• When another kit ended up hurt, it really wasn't unusual for Nightkit to be behind this. - If he was already showing signs of his Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder (Bipolar disorder usually becomes apparent in late adolescence, so 5-6 moons) this would have involved the clan leader. Clan members harming each other is a monstrously big deal.
• nearly failed his warrior assesment. He made an acceptable fighter and an "OK" excuse for a hunter" - Because of his rough history with his clanmates and his mental condition you'll need to discuss this with Elmstar's player Nagini. I'm not convinced that Elmstar would accept "nearly failed" from this cat. What you're talking about is a cat with a C and a D getting a diploma.
• his mentor knew Nightpaw could do better, and so he had the apprentice work for a few extra moons - While mentors are involved in the process of a leader deciding when an apprentice graduates, they do not have the final call. Mentors are close their apprentices and holding one back reflects badly on them, thus leaders have the final say in when a cat graduates and when a cat gets held back. Mentors are consulted (particularly for things like working out when evaluations should be held for that apprentice and the like) but have no control over graduation.

You have a very, very fine start to your character. This is one of the nicer first-round character sheets I've seen from a newbie and I very much appreciate your efforts thus far. It's perfectly normal for every character (even one from one of our oldies) to spend at least a few rounds in apps as all the details (like how the character fits into game history and the existing clan) get worked out. If you have any questions whatsoever please feel free to contact me.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 19:22, 31 May 2012 (CDT)

Decline #2: Check Results for 2 June 2012

You're making excellent progress. The average newbie usually goes through 3+ rounds, and since I'm already at the point where I'm making nitpicky fine-tuning recommendations, you're ahead of the normal curve. Very nice work.

APPEARANCE

• fur colored a very dark shade of brown that bears the pattern of stripes of a mackarel tabby - There are two ways to get this shade in cat genetics. The first is currently banned (black-based "brown" tabby) and the second is the chocolate gene. The chocolate gene is considered highly abnormal (It's rare even in purebred cats where unusual colors can be desirable). As explained in this document by me you currently have an element that labels your character as being in possession of "excessive abnormality". Currently your sheet is actually a little short to support the first incident (I'd be looking for an extra paragraph each on Appearance, Personality and History. You've got history long enough but the other two could use length). You'd have to do a lot of detail adding and expansion (2 more history paragraphs, and at least 2 more each to appearance and personality) to make me willing to let him have a chocolate gene. Without additional history you're prettymuch limited to a red or cream cat... Though I would be willing to waive the Particularly Heavy Restriction on a Tortie Tom for you (though keep in mind that this would mean no fertility for him, period. He'd have Klinefelter Syndrome to be Tortoiseshell at all, and it comes with the condition). We haven't had a tortie tom since Crestedback (if I am not mistaken), so we could do another. He could even theoretically be a tortie with very little red, or the red mixed throughly with the black (send me a PM through of the forum if you're interested in seeing some pictures, or poke me on any messenger program listed on the staff page).

HISTORY

• He was retained an extra moon in the nursery as punishment for his improper behavior. - I'll need you to get Elmstar's player Nagini to approve this. Many leaders would consider this excess of enthusiasm something that training was the best cure for. The Queen's wouldn't be the one's deciding when to apprentice them, and thus it's the leaders call, and you'll need Nagini's statement as to the actiosn being in line with the way Elmstar would run the clan.
• still recieved a scold or two every few moons. It was pretty clear his mentor would have a tough time with him - I don't see a "hard time" there. By my math, he'd get like... 6 to 8 scoldings total, allowing for his extra moons in training. That strikes me as a pretty normal amount of scoldings for a young cat to get while training. Unless you're meaning specifically in relation to being too aggressive with his clanmates, in which can you'll want to clarify things.
• gave his very best in hunting - I'm bringing this up because I'm already declining here anyways: His very best would not be sufficient unless his "very best" is the same as "an acceptably skilled hunter who can execute at least the hunting basics and serve as a provider for the clan". He doesn't have to be great at it, but cats who can't hunt reliably don't earn a warriors privilege and freedom.

I can totally see this getting approved next time you submit it, assuming you get Nagini's word on the starting at 7 instead of 6 taken care of.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 12:07, 2 June 2012 (CDT)

Family Stuff

I strongly suggest that you look into the previously mentioned family connections that might be available for your character if you contact a few players.  Kitsufox  ^{Fox's Den} 15:32, 4 June 2012 (CDT)